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Entertainment
created by and for the no-budget filmmaking
community. We all work way too hard making movies not enough people watch.
FASTFORWARD is a chance for us to talk to other people just as messed-up as we are, relax and laugh about it. Send
submissions/comments/complaints to 
 
 Filmmaker Wonders Why He Still Bothers
Longtime readers of the old site will certainly remember Johnny Monaghan (of Wilting Weasel Productions), who back in 1999 became one of our favorite amateur filmmakers, for directing over 100 short films we now can't remember anything about. I think there was one about this girl, who had a gun. At the time we said Johnny was one of the most exciting filmmakers on the amateur scene, and would certainly be directing big Hollywood films in the future.
Johnny is now 31 years old and works at a hardware store in Fullerton, California. In 2006 he moved back in with his mother, but moved back out in 2008. Johnny continues to make low-budget movies starring his friends. He completed the 40-minute short film "REDissected" in 2005, and is working on another one. He has written several exciting screenplays which no one has read, and occasionally posts at his Facebook account about the exciting (but slow) progress editing his 2006 short film "The River Runs." He expects to be done with the film eventually. His previous short film "REDissected," has been viewed over 38 times on Youtube!
In other exciting news, he really thought he'd be famous or successful or working in Hollywood by now, even just getting coffee and doing errands and why won't anyone read his scripts? He also hasn't had sex since 2003 - unless you count Olivia. Please, let's not count Olivia.
In a recent phone interview conducted by his father, he was asked when he was going to stop fucking around and do something with his life. He replied with the exciting news that he had sometimes thought about killing himself. His father said, "You'll never kill yourself. You love yourself too much." We wish Johnny much success in the future!
Filmmaker Has More Youtube Views Than Other Filmmaker
Todd Gairdner, of Gold Line Studios, reached an amazing 20 thousand views on Youtube for his three-minute short film "Assassin-X," starring Marisa Donovan as the sexy villainess. "In your face, Parkman!" said Gairdner, in reference to fellow filmmaker Anthony Parkman. In return, Parkman noted that the fifth episode of his own webseries "Sofa Heads" had been viewed 18 thousand times on Myspace since being posted there in 2007. Adding to that the two thousand views it's received on Youtube, Parkman could present a genuine challenge to Gairdner's Youtube superiority.
In other news, here are the network television ratings for this past week.
"American Idol" (Wednesday), Fox, 23.57 million viewers.
"American Idol" (Tuesday), Fox, 23.41 million viewers.
"Dancing with the Stars," ABC, 20.28 million viewers.
"NCIS," CBS, 16.72 million viewers.
"The Mentalist," CBS, 16.68 million viewers.
"Grey's Anatomy," ABC, 15.55 million viewers.
"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation," CBS, 14.91 million viewers.
"Dancing with the Stars Results," ABC, 14.56 million viewers.
"Two and a Half Men," CBS, 14.17 million viewers.
Congratulations, Todd Gairdner and Anthony Parkman! If you received a thousand times as many views as you've gotten here, you still wouldn't have been seen as many times in two years as American Idol receives in one night on a regular basis! Hope somebody out there loves you!
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Filmmaker is a Cunt
Anton Foerster of Endless Realm Studios has posted with exciting news about his next short film, "Eberhart's Gamble," which he wrote, directed and stars in. The largely dialogue-less short film follows a man who wakes up with no memory of who he is, and who must fight against a shadowy conspiracy, even if it costs him his own mind. Foerster shot the film over eight days on professional grade HD video. He rented a Panasonic AJ-HPX2700 for the film (retail value $40,000), with money from his father, a successful stockbroker. Foerster made good use of a crane and jib to create sweeping camera movements and a very professional look, and reinforce the character's fractured mental state. He is also a cunt.
"A terrible person. A trainwreck of a human being," said his good friend and costar, Marty Culhane. "I would never work with him again," said the film's cinematographer, Vincenzo Alligheri. "He's a spoiled, immature brat who walks around like he owns the world," said girlfriend Jane Whistler, adding that he was bad in bed. "He just thinks he's better than everyone else," said filmmaker and one-time collaborator Ira Bresslow.
Anton's work has screened at several film festivals, and it's widely believed that Anton is the only one at this entire website who has any talent. Though he wouldn't say that out loud. He wouldn't want people to think he had a big head or anything. And besides, they're just jealous.
We wish Anton Foerster the best of luck with this exciting and very professional and expensive looking project, and hope that his intestines get eaten by bears while he's still alive to scream and feel the pain.
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 Filmmaker's Screenplay Isn't Too Long
Jackson Haber of Front Row Productions has recently completed the first and only draft of his epic time-travel romance, "The Day I Lost Myself." Early reviews state that the script features interesting ideas, well-developed characters, and a plot. The screenplay jumps back and forth from the days of the Revolutionary War to modern day, follows three main characters as they try to find love and fight against the rising tide of death and destruction, and is not too long. It's a complicated story, it needs a little bit of extra time in which to tell itself. If he cut down some of the characters, or subplots, or dialogue, he would be losing everything he loves about the script. He'd be killing his babies? Do you want him to kill his babies?
His favorite films include Brazil, The Lord of the Rings, The Empire Strikes Back .... all those films are well over two hours. Can't his script be well over 120 pages? And yes, he does need the scene in the diner. All the scenes in the diner, since it's about six scenes in a row there. It's important. Confusing? It's not confusing. You didn't even read the script, did you? You're basing your entire review on a misinterpretation of the first line of dialogue. You read the first line of dialogue, and then you skimmed the rest, you bastard. You don't deserve his script - his script is too good for you!
We wish Jackson Haber a lot of luck selling this exciting and brilliant screenplay, which in some very exciting news will eventually land on the desk of a major talent agent in New York, whose assistant will read the first five pages, and then throw it in the garbage because it's way too fucking long.
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 Filmmaker Sucks
Matthew Cousins of Trusty Johnson Pictures has just completed his twenty-seventh short film, "Cracked Windshields," a 38-minute comedy about two bumbling valet parking attendants. The film stars Timothy Lee and Jeremy Oditt, who have starred in most of Matt's previous movies. It features some entertainingly reckless driving, Three Stooges style antics and a colorful cast of characters. It also sucks. Shot on a budget of nothing in a vacant lot near Matt's mother's house, the film is highly realistic in terms of sound quality - the wind noise really adding to the atmosphere throughout, obscuring the dialogue in a realistic fashion.
Mr. Cousins has collaborated twenty-three times with Timothy Lee and Jeremy Oditt, and by now they have a happy working relationship that works like clockwork, and we know exactly what to expect from them. We expect bad acting, bad writing, bad camerawork, bad editing, and a garbage dump of a movie that they'll all be embarrassed of and never mention again once they graduate college.
Matthew Cousins has a lot of talent, and a huge future ahead of him, and if he keeps making movies as good as this one he might someday become assistant manager at Home Depot.
The website for Trusty Johnson Pictures features lots of information about all of their many dramas and comedies, and will keep on featuring that information for another four years, at which point it will disappear, since everyone involved in these movies will email Matt Cousins, having not spoken to him in years, telling him to remove their image and name from his site, as it's showing up in Google search and embarrassing them in interviews with prospective employers.
We wish Matthew the best of luck, and would like to inform him that everyone who says nice things about his movies is just being nice because they're his friend or related to him or retarded or something. And the reason we never say anything about his movies is because we're trying to be nice too.
We congratulate Matthew Cousins on the completion of this latest movie, and wish that he would stop. Just stop. Please.
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 Film School is Full of Girls
At the school that describes itself as the most prestigious film school in the nation, excitement is high as we look forward to the screening of the semester projects by the nation's best up-and-coming filmmakers. Here we could find the next Steven Spielberg. Could it be Natalya Demerov?
Natalya's 5-minute 16mm film "Bleeding" tells the story of a young woman, who, left at the altar by her good-for-nothing boyfriend, kills him, chops him into pieces, and buries him. Natalya's main influences as a filmmaker include Joni Mitchell, Tori Amos, and Aimee Mann. Reviewers describe it as "harrowing, and beautifully shot," while holding their hands nervously near their own crotches.
Liza Stapleton's comedy "Girlfriend" is a delightful, high-energy music video starring her friend Carrie, shot in their apartment. She describes film school as "good fun," and when she's done with film school she hopes to be a professional singer/songwriter. Could Liza be the next Martin Scorsese?
In Tania Levenson's "Yellow," a girl with some mental issues sits around her girly girl apartment being girly. Could she be the next Peter Jackson? No, because Peter Jackson isn't a girl. Although his partner Fran Walsh is. A woman.
In truth, there are very few successful female film directors, and only three have ever been nominated for the Oscar. We wish the entire class, which is 80% female, good luck with their future careers getting coffee for men. Also, will you go out with me?
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Filmmaker is Twelve, I Think
One of the most exciting new voices in amateur cinema to come along in ages has to be Jamie Crabbe. He made a strong debut with the ambitious "WILL-E," inspired by Pixar's "WALL-E" but made entirely with LEGO figures. And since then he's gone from strength to strength, shooting the dark and gritty crime thriller "Through a Killer's Eyes," the golf course comedy "Min E. Golf," and the ambitious sci-fi action drama "Mortal Wounds." From animation to drama to comedy to action, Jamie Crabbe has done it all. His main influences as a filmmaker include Martin Scorsese, Michel Gondry, Michelangelo Antonioni, Andrei Tarkovsky, and Spongebob Squarepants.
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FilmTree Debuts New Confusing Website That No One Will Visit
The legendary amateur film forum FilmTree is back in shiny new clothes! Although we haven't visited the site since 2001, it's nice to see that it's still around in some form. And this is certainly a new form. The new site is Web 2.0 to the max, based around a Wiki structure that anyone can edit, and packed to the gills with five podcasts all hosted by the site's owner, pop-up video clips, three chatrooms, six RSS news feeds dedicated to the latest in amateur film, a Wikified "Tree" of resources for the filmmaker, and a whole lot of other stuff that I can't begin to describe or understand. The forum is even more exciting than before too, with twenty-eight categories dedicated to the art and science of no-budget filmmaking. A handy feature of the forum is that it doesn't work. Another is that no one has posted in it except for the site's creator, since everyone else grew up, got sick of him, and stopped visiting FilmTree eight years ago. Kind of like our own forum, then.
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"Dead Men Can't Die" Website Updated With Exciting New Excuses
Travor Salvin has updated his website with some very exciting new excuses for why his 2005 feature "Dead Men Can't Die" isn't finished yet. He has posted some new screen grabs from the film, as well as better quality onset photographs, and concept art by special effects artist Rex X., who hasn't done the film's CGI work either. The most exciting excuse is a massive hard drive failure - He spent so long not editing his footage that the external hard drive containing it died on him, and everything will have to be captured again. Luckily this is only a minor setback, as Trevor hadn't been editing any of the footage lately anyway, so there was no recent work lost.
Another exciting excuse is that he will be going to the New York Comic Con to promote the film, by standing around and handing out DVDs of the unfinished film to people who will never watch them. He will explain that it isn't finished yet. When the film is finally finished a year and a half from now, no one will watch it either.
In equally exciting news, he has also been spending a lot of time - a suspiciously large amount of time - writing and drawing a new webcomic, a dramatic tale of murder in a surreal sci-fi world, which no one but him will understand. And he's updated his website - did I already say that? It took him an entire week to update the website too, time he could have spent working on his movie. And he's looking for a job. And a girlfriend. That takes time. We here at FFrevolution understand that, even if his mother doesn't.
Exciting stuff! Creating these excuses is where Trevor's creativity really shines, and we look forward to more great excuses from him in the future!
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A Rebuttal By Pamela Crabbe
Recently, this site declared filmmaker Jamie Crabbe to be "One of the most exciting new voices in amateur cinema to come along in ages." I would like to add to that that Jamie Crabbe is also a doody head.
He keeps dragging me along to make his stupid movies with him. They're dumb and they're long, and it's really boring making them, and even more boring watching them. His friends just like them and laugh because they're in them. If they weren't in them they wouldn't watch them.
He's really pretentious too. He keeps talking about Stanley Kubrick and Ingmar Bergman, as if he knows what he's talking about. And I'm like, shut up Jamie, I'm on the phone! He actually uses the phrase "mise-en-scene." I should tell that to everyone at school, he'll get beat up so fast.
He barely has any friends, because when he's got friends around he just wants to make movies with them. He spends all his time in his room. I don't even want to think about what he's doing in there. And he's always using the computer when I want to check my email and go on Facebook. And I'm like, what are you doing? And he's like, "Mise-en-scene. Ingmar Bergman." And then I kick him in the balls. Loser.
I'll show him. Next time he asks me to be in one of his stupid movies, I'll say no. And then I'll make my own movie. And it'll be awesome, the most amazing thing ever. I'm thinking of something kind of like Ridley Scott's Legend, or Labyrinth, or The Last Unicorn. I definitely want to have unicorns in it, and lots of sexy guys. Hey, maybe I could make a movie as a way of meeting guys. I bet I'll have a lot better luck than Jamie ever will trying to meet girls.
He is so lame.
Pamela Crabbe is a filmmaker living in Rhode Island. Her first feature film, "Annelie's Unicorn Quest," is currently in pre-production.
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 Jamie Crabbe: Another Rebuttal By Dean Feiss
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Dean Feiss is a Professor of English at a small university in Western Europe. He is the author of several books on the art and science of amateur cinema.
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Film Review: "Anna's Birthday"
From Deep Six Productions comes their latest release, "Anna's Birthday." Coming in at 48 minutes, the film is either a short or a feature, depending on your definition. Newcomer Anna Blunden plays the lead, a five year old girl celebrating her birthday, and is highly believable in the role, showing natural screen charisma. Peter J. Blunden is also on hand as Anna's father, and Charles Deveraux lends some necessary villainy as the creepy alcoholic uncle.
Production values are as you can expect from an amateur film. Picture and sound levels are good, and it's always clear what's going on. There's some good use of music, although this also means that the film can never be sold commercially with this soundtrack - licensing "Happy Birthday" isn't cheap!
The plotline is relatable enough. We've all been young once and it's not hard to transport yourself back to that time, and share in Anna's joys as she opens up a KidKraft Glamour Dollhouse, and several new Barbies. As she blows out her candles we celebrate along with her.
We also share the pain of a marriage in turmoil, as Maureen Blunden gives a believable performance as the wife who just doesn't love her husband anymore. Although on the surface this is a happy occasion, the film drips with subtext that shows the life of this happy girl won't be happy very much longer.
My issue with this film - and it's the same issue I have with many amateur films - is, where's the plot? We set up these characters, but the film seems aimless. We spent almost the entire film inside the house, at the party. There were no great twists - the film just meandered along and seemed very unstructured. It reminded me of Jay Bauman's "Clowns and Suicide."
Director Michael Blunden is the lead actress' older brother, and his brotherly affection for his subject is tangible, but in the future I would like to see him take on weightier material with more dramatic impact - as despite the subtext - and there is plenty of subtext - the film in the end has about as much dramatic weight as the frosting on a birthday cake has nutritional value.
"HAPPY FIFTH BIRTHDAY ANNA!!!!!" is available on DVD from Deep Six Productions.
This issue written by Garrett Gilchrist. With thanks to Pamela Crabbe and Dean Feiss.
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All text by Garrett Gilchrist.
Site designed by Warren Blyth and maintained by Garrett Gilchrist.
All pictures stolen from their respective owners.
Orange Cow Productions, 2001-2009.
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