Hello everyone,

I've been visiting this site for ages and I never had the courage to post. I've always been so intimidated by you guys. You guys are all just too crazy and smart for me.

So what kind of camera is everyone using? I saw a Canon XL1 on Ebay for twenty bucks! But the catch is -- it's radioactive! Apparently Pakistan used this camera to film its nuclear bomb test. And this camera has become obsolete since Pakistan switched to Panasonic DVX 100 for the fancy pants 24fps film feel.

Shall I buy this camera? Damn I wish somebody would sell a lead suit on Ebay for cheap.

Today I showed Karate Pate to a homeless street person named Carl in order to get some unbiased feedback. At first I was excited about his response because he said "Lad, that's real good work, a real visual feast!"

Then he said, "I've always wanted to be a filmmaker. I had a family once - a wife, a child, a career as Wall Street stockbroker. But I just couldn't stop drinking. It ruined me. Oh yes it sure did. The war didn't take away my life, the fishing accident, blah blah blah." Damn, that really pissed me off because obviously the fucker told me that he thought my film was "real visual feast" in order to have me listen to his drunk ass bullshit. What a fucking prick! I should have known. I mean the guy was telling me that my film was "a real visual feast" before he saw a single frame! He obviously was making stuff up.

Anyway, I hope everybody is doing well,

-Jonason

Summer Movie Projects

Hi everyone, the long hot summer is ahead of us, it's time to get back to making movies! Here are few awesome ideas inspired from the current box office champions.

I highly recommend getting this stuff done and post them on youtube.com before the Da Vinci Code hits theatre. When Da Vinci Code arrives, nobody is gonna pay attention to the internet bullshit movies for awhile. Let's get to work!!!

This is a debate that has been going around over the years among the independent filmmakers. Shall I use DV? or Analog? I hereby would like to settle this question once and for all -- the choice is obvious: I will take the analog system over the DV anytime, anywhere, in the woods, on the toilet!

VHS is the standard workhorse that has proven itself in the middle eastern battle field in the 80's. It was the favorite tool among the reporters who covered Beirut. It sits comfortably on your shoulder. It protects one side of your face from sniper bullets. It also has 400 lines of resolution. That's 380 lines more than a 20-line resolution! Furthermore, VHS also gives your actor that nice, warm, jaundice yellow glow.

Comparatively, dog vomit doesn't not capture any footage, the contrast range is close to none, and it's impossible to edit in neither solid nor fluid state. Most of all, it smells really really really bad. I don't understand why people want to switch to dog vomit over VHS. Overhyped? I believe so.

So there you have it. Don't buy into the media hype. Stick to your uncle's derelict VHS system. It will do you good.

Now, I have a question for everyone: how do I make my VHS look like super-VHS? Is there a quick and easy (preferably free tee hee hee I'm so cheap) sVHS-look software?

Anyway, so what kind of camera is everybody using?

MOVIE IDEASSSS BLOWOUT SALE!!!



Jerry McGuire 2

Jerry McGuire is a working stiff at an international petroleum corporation. After spending years working his way to the top of the food chain, he suddenly grows a conscience and writes a manifesto about the need to produce cleaner fuel and preserving the environment.

But of course, McGuire gets fired and humiliated in front of his peers. However, before he leaves the office, he was able to convince an idealistic, young co-worker to leave with him to form a responsible oil company that protects black bears and offers an oil-for-guns program to stop youth gang violence in Iraq.

Jerry was also able to get one client to go with him - a food processing plant located in Detroit, owned by a loud-mouthed, brash, yet warm-hearted black man named Eugene.

Jerry and the young woman build his dream company together and they fall in love and all that shit. On their wedding day, she reveals that she is his long-lost daughter. He had left her and her mom when she was three month old. She had always hated him and she had worked her way through the oil company just to seek a chance to destroy him.

However, ever since she heard his manifesto, she has forgiven him and fell in love with him because he is the moral pillar of the oil industry.

After hearing this, Jerry kills himself. Years later, their retarded inbred son would be horribly disfigured during a blowtorch accident.


Blackmail is My Middle Name

A group of poor, bored youth decides to make some big cash by blackmailing. The gang is lead by Giovanni, a charismatic, unemployed writer, and his wife Lydia, a call-center operator for a wireless phone company.

The gang kidnaps Lydia's boss for ransom. Things get complicated when the boss offers Giovanni a job to write his memoir. In the course of the night, Giovanni re-examines his 'stick-it-to-the-man' gangster values and the lure of selling out to money and fame.

In the morning Lydia tells Giovanni that she doesn't love him anymore and files for divorce.


Deatheletes

If it smells like death, looks like death, taste like death, it is death!

Welcome to the year 2034, violent video games had driven the society blood-thirsty-insane. United States had elected its first president who grew up on violent video games. The president appoints an executive decision: all games now will be played -- TO THE DEATH!!!

Every sport now has one extra rule: to the death! Golf to the death! Tennis to the death! Chess to the death! Basketball to the death! Cycling to the death! Greg Yoeman is a clone on an island trying to find out who cloned him and why and DIE DIE DIE FUCKING DIE! The end.

Blame violent video games! They'll destroy the world I shit you not! Weeeee!!!


Cloning R Us

A genetic scientist clones his dying wife. Things get weird when the dying wife's cancer comes under control and now they have to raise the formerly-dying wife's clone as their daughter.

Things get weirder when the scientist falls for the young, prettier version of the formerly-dying wife's clone. The wife feels jealous and stressed out, which causes her cancer to come back and now she's really dead!

So now the scientist openly shares his love with the clone wife. But he faces prejudice from the town folks who have come to the general consensus as 'Well I guess it's not really incest because they aren't genetically related and he did clone her with replacing his wife in mind, but you gotta admit it's still kinda fucking creepy.'

So at the end the scientist kills himself because he is tired of his neighbor's gossip and the society's unfair intolerance against cloning, and he is also very sad that his clone wife eloped with her prom date.


Cloning R Us 2: My Daddy.

Carrie is a young, carefree, upward-mobile advertising exec raised by her single father. When her father dies, she learns the value of responsibility and adulthood by raising a child - a genetic clone of her father.

Things get complicated when she discovers that she is a clone of her mom. So actually she's now raising a son/lover/husband in the form of an infant.

AND OF COURSE HILARITY ENSUES IN THIS KATE HUDSON PROJECT!!!!


Crying Sea and Tortured Spirits

A man was send to Miami for secret mission of industrial espionage. Instead he goes to Disney World. He likes Disney World so much he quits the espionage biz, takes up ice skating and becomes part of the "Little Mermaid on Ice" performance troupe.


Flatline Pussy

Nineteen century Belgium, a woman exhibits signs of dangerous neurosis upon hearing her father's plan to marry her to his boss. Symptoms includes: shaking uncontrollably and sobbing hysterically, etc.

The boss absolutely would not take the bride until this neurosis problem gets resolved. So the father seeks help from a group of psychologist. The psychologist develops an exploration vehicle which can be shrunken down to microscopic size, injected into the hysteric patient to investigate the root cause of her mental illness.

The chief psychologist decides to use the exploration vehicle to investigate the link between the vagina and the anus. However, a rival psychologist hijacks the project and they ended up spending the entiretrip in the pussy.

After the exploration, the psychologists conclude that the best solution for the woman's problem would be opium, lobotomy and frequent electric shock to the brain.


GS729 - The Hunger Strike Force

Government puts together a special team of elite operatives to perform missions too politically risky to be carried out as the official government business. The primary method used by this special team is hunger strike!

For example, the government needs to kidnap a foreign national who might have connection to illegal terrorist activity. They would call GS729 and they go on hunger strike until the man turns himself in. Things get tricky when their target doesn't get give a damn about the pleas of bunch of strangers starving themselves.

Note: In case you're curious, GS729 actually doesn't stand for anything. It just sounds kinda cool.


GS729 - The Hunger Strike Force 2: The Betrayal

The force goes after one of its own. A member was caught eating a Twinkie on the job. Meanwhile, anorexia, bulimia and various eating disorder runs rampant among the force.


Venus Beauty Institute 2: No Mercy!

Guess who's back!!! Madam Nadine is back with a vengeance as the manager of the Venus Beauty Institute. This time, she is OUT FOR BLOOOOODD! Watch Nadine and her beauticians Samantha, marianne and Angele kick some ass!!!!


Call me Diamond

Tom Donaldson builds a diamond empire with his adopted son Matthew. Together they construct a massive diamond supply chain across the world from Antwerp to Tokyo.

Matthew is very proud of the business so he changes his name to Diamond. Tom thinks that's really fucking lame and tries to kill Matthew. And it turns out that Tom also wanted to change his name to Diamond but he doesn't want anyone else have the name Diamond,


Catastrophe and the Hereafter

Jane is a marine-biologist who is famous for her studies on the dolphins. After being date-raped by a dolphin she moves to the Arizona desert to avoid the ocean.

She eventually begins the healing process to rebuild her private and professional life. While waiting for the court appeal, the dolphin gets a job working at the Arizona Sea World to stay close to Jane because it really loves her.

But the dolphin's reputation was in tatters and it was tracked by the sex offender website. The Sea World removes it from the lucrative performance gig to janitorial duties. And a local tough cop would come in once in a while and intimidates the dolphin with remarks such as: "You sick fuck. I know what you've done dolphin. I'M watching YOU."

It would take five years of appeal before the Supreme Court would eventually decide to recognize the dolphin in this inter-specie trial in the dolphin age instead of the human age.

Jane flees the country to avoid statutory rape charges. She buys a villa on the coast of Italy. Dolphin is now free to leave American to move to France, its book of poetry becomes a bestseller in Paris. Years later, while vacationing on the Swiss Alps, Jane and Dolphin would meet again, they find that they still love each other and get married.

Hey I went to the music store today and guess what I picked up:

Movies Inspired by Home and Garden Network

Renovation of the Heart

A burned-out executive gets laid-off from his job. He hopes to mend his marriage and gets to know his kids by renovating their home, in the process he makes his kids feel safe again by fending off a pack of Alaskan wolves. He also learns a valuable lesson about electricity safety and wins back his wife's heart and mind -- FROM THE DEVIL!!


Urban Redevelopment on the Go

A crew of seven excavating a site to prepare to lay foundation for a strip-mall comes across a buried ancient ruin that unleashes the unspeakable evil on earth. They witness the torture of hell spawns for three-thousand years and at the end there would be a shock ending to reveal that it only has been ten seconds and the men were having hallucination caused by the uranium poisoning! All of them vomit black blood and die.


Trading Spaces and Life Lessons

Susan and Shannon are the best of neighbors in a suburban neighborhood. They decided to redesign each other's living room. Susan gave Shannon's living room a mid-century design, with vibrant, duotone walls, decorated with hip, retro furnishings that emphasis simplicity and compactness; a utilitarian look with a touch of spontaneity.

Shannon transforms Susan's living room into a dentist office!


This Old House of Souls

In this special series of the This Old House, master builder Norm Abrams and his gangs of contractors gets invited to renovate a decrepit halfway house for the mentally-ill ex-cons, which was shut down two years ago because of a brutal triple-ax homicide upstairs and the methamphetamine lab in the basement.

In part one, Norm Abrams suggests pressure-treated cedar shingles for the roof, checks the foundation for termites, and makes contact with a vengeful ghost!!!


The Interior Designer

Gary is an upstart interior designer hired to renovate a mobster's house. While picking up paint samples at a Home Depot, terrorists take over the store!! Gary now has to recall his training as Navy Seals in order to save the day!!!


Carpet Cleaning: the Final Battle

In the future, giant-mega-corporation would take place of nation-states and wage war against each other over competing products like carpet cleaners and laundry detergents.

Notice that, by 'war' I don't mean those sissy "advertising war", I mean the real wars with real laser guns and tanks and shit. So anyway, Johnson-Johnson, General Electric and Citigroup form an alliance against the corporate union formed by Alcoa, Pfizer and Wal-Mart. Both entities declare themselves the collaboration of the just and brand the other as the "axis of evil."