The Teenage Bingo Brigade

A short script by Garrett Gilchrist

EXT. SANDY BEACH - DAY

We simply watch and listen to the waves crash for a little while, the surf

ebbing and flowing, the caw of some seagulls.

A man in a furry jacket walks through the water. He is holding a cat, and

wearing a mask, which he removes. This is EDGAR. He speaks calmly, but gives

off an air of polite nervousness.

EDGAR

The Teenage Bingo Brigade.

INT. HOUSE NEAR BEACH - DAY

A fire is roaring in the fireplace. A man in a suit sits in a leather chair,

sipping from a martini in a martini glass. This is VIVIAN. He speaks like a

european schoolteacher, like the way we imagine Tolkien or Lewis Carroll might

have spoken their tales ... or like Vivian Stanshall from the Bonzo Dog Band.

He has perfect elocution, perfect speech habits that would put Olivier to

shame. He has a dog in his lap, a large dog.

VIVIAN

It's not as if things haven't been strange enough already, it's not as if I was

asking for more strangeness in my life, it's not as if I went up to the

waitress and said, I'd like a cup of STRANGENESS with my tea, no thank you, I'd

rather have a cup of Normal. I said this to my pet rat whose name is Syphilis

and all he says is ...

EXT. SANDY BEACH - DAY

EDGAR

Bingo!

INT. HOUSE NEAR BEACH- DAY

VIVIAN

Which is a very strange thing for a rat to say I think. Most of all because

outside of animated cartoons, rats aren't known to speak. I'm sure he said it

though. Perhaps I said it.

EXT. SANDY BEACH - DAY

Edgar has increased in size.

EDGAR

I was lit on fire and told to form a band of elite crime fighting superheroes,

which was very strange, not least of all because in spite of it all I'd always

considered myself at heart a super villain. Not a hero at all. So, I had a

problem. "I'm on fire," I said to no one in particular, but no one in

particular wasn't listening. "I'm on fucking fire." I can't remember what

happened after that.

We hear the sound of flying saucer engines above. It's very loud.

Edgar looks up.

INT. HOUSE NEAR BEACH - DAY

Vivian looks up.

EXT. BEACH - DAY

Flying saucers appear on the horizon.

EDGAR

Oh dear, the aliens are invading again.

INT. HOUSE NEAR BEACH - DAY

VIVIAN

All I said to him was, aliens are invading, and my name is Bob.

EXT. SANDY BEACH - DAY

An alien appears.

INT. HOUSE NEAR BEACH - DAY

VIVIAN

My name is Bob, that was the important part, but he only remembered the first

part, the selfish bastard. That's probably why I wound up resenting him for the

rest of my life. [pauses] He was kidnapped by aliens shortly after that. Life's

funny sometimes, isn't it?

EXT. SANDY BEACH - DAY

Another alien appears. The first alien shoots Edgar. Edgar screams and drops

the cat.

INT. HOUSE NEAR BEACH - DAY

VIVIAN

The strangest part is, my name isn't even Bob. It's Vivian. I never told him

that, of course. (pause) My head had been split in two and my stereo needed

fixing, these two things were not related, and I strode forth into the desert

inbetween a pair of mountains that looked exactly like grey cotton candy, or

perhaps they didn't, but either way I was inspired to compose a song about

turtles.

EXT. SANDY BEACH - DAY

Edgar lies dead and bleeding.

EDGAR

Ninja turtles?

Vivian enters from stage right.

VIVIAN

No, just regular turtles, and the fellow at the stereo shop tells me I should

get a subwoofer. So of course I say, oh no, boy, you're not tricking me like

that, you think you're so clever but I am cleverer, how naive you are to even

accuse me of being improperly subwoofed.

Edgar exits stage left.

VIVIAN

You are unhappy and unpopular. You are in fact downright gauche.

Vivian looks behind him.

VIVIAN

Oh dear, there goes another wave.

INT. HOUSE NEAR BEACH - DAY

Edgar is sitting exactly as Vivian was sitting before.

EDGAR

Teenage bingo brigade.

EXT. SANDY BEACH - DAY

Edgar lies dead and bleeding in the water.

EDGAR

I threw a party. She came into my apartment and sat down. Then she sat down

again, and then she came into the apartment again. She was always a bit strange

like that.

INT. EDGAR'S APARTMENT - DAY

EVE sits down. Then another EVE sits down. Then another. So three young women,

all of whom look identical, and all of whom are named EVE, are sitting in

chairs near to each other arguing. Edgar stands near them all.

EDGAR

And so suddenly there were three of her sitting around, and they were all

arguing and bickering and none of them could agree what we should have for

dinner. I couldn't decide what to do with them all, so we decided to form a

rock band. The band was quite successful, but the party was completely spoiled.

EXT. SANDY BEACH - DAY

VIVIAN

But the man the appliance store tells me, no, you need a subwoofer, your bass

response is terrible. So I punched him in the face.¬Ý

That'll teach him to sell home appliances, I thought, and then I killed myself.

INT. HOUSE NEAR BEACH - DAY

EDGAR

Teenage bingo brigade.

Vivian enters, stage right. We pan up to him, ignoring Edgar.

VIVIAN

After that, nothing much happened. I managed in fact to become incredibly

bored, which was something I had always had a talent for, even when I was very

small and still had a life to live. I was bored and dead and I thought I'd give

God a phone call and complain about it. But God's phone number turned out to be

216 digits long, and I thought, fuck that, I'm not paying that much in long

distance fees.

EXT. SANDY BEACH - DAY¬Ý

Vivian now lies dead and bleeding in the water. Edgar stands above him.

EDGAR

Teenage bingo brigade.

EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE BEACH - DAY

The theme from Hawaii 5-O plays. Suddenly everything is very high energy and

creatively directed and colorful, as in the opening credits to a very

successful television program entering its fifth season. Four young people in

swimsuits enter running. They carry guns and look very happy. Lots of

splitscreen is used.

CAPTION: "The TEENAGE BINGO BRIGADE - in color"

The camera freezeframes on each of them as they strike action poses.¬Ý

There are two women and two men.

CAPTION: "MUTIL"

CAPTION: "The group's mysterious leader"

MUTIL, the male leader of the group, poses mysteriously.

CAPTION: "KIMI"

CAPTION: "The busty brunette"

KIMI, the busty brunette, poses bustily.

CAPTION: "SKIPPER"

CAPTION: "The homosexual sea captain"

SKIPPER, the homosexual sea captain, poses angrily.

CAPTION: "PLOG"

CAPTION: "the blonde with the drinking problem"

PLOG, the cute blonde with the drinking problem, poses drinkily and smiles.

Credit sequence ends. The team assembles.

ALL

Teenage Bingo Brigade, unite!

MUTIL

We must find a mystery to solve!

ALL

A mystery!

A CAT enters. We cut to a closeup on its cat face. A very deep voice from

offscreen speaks its lines for it, though its mouth does not move.

CAT

I am a cat!

ALL

A cat!

MUTIL

It is indeed a cat!

SKIPPER

It speaks the truth!

ALL

The truth! The truth!

MUTIL

No! We are afraid of the truth, in the teenage bingo brigade!

ALL

Afraid! Brigade, ahhhH!!

PLOG

We must kill this demon cat who dares speak the truth!

ALL

Yes, kill!

The cat enters. Another closeup on it.

CAT

I am a cat!

They all become instantly scared.

ALL

AAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

They all run away, far away, down the beach.

We pan over to Edgar and Vivian, who are standing elsewhere on the beach,

surrounded by various EXTRAS who are sitting down listening like a kindergarten

audience to everything they have to say. There should be as many actual small

children as possible in this bunch, and maybe a few fat bearded men, like Joe

Sherlock types.

EDGAR

Teenage. Bingo. Brigade.

VIVIAN

What drives a man to kill? It is a Honda, a Volvo, or perhaps a Buick?

EDGAR

We should tell a story.

VIVIAN

All right. Gather round, teenage children. Let me tell you the story of the

Teenage Bingo Brigade.

The extras scoot closer to Vivian and Edgar.

VIVIAN

Once upon a time FUCK YOU!!! there lived a teenage --

EDGAR

Wait a minute.

VIVIAN

What's wrong?

EDGAR

You can't scream "fuck you," this is a children's show.

Vivian looks at Edgar, very confused.

VIVIAN (as if Edgar is very stupid)

I know.

EDGAR

Then why did you scream "fuck you" just now?

VIVIAN

I didn't!

EDGAR

Yes you did!

VIVIAN

(thinks) I don't think I did. (looks at audience) Children, did I just scream

"fuck you" to you?

EXTRAS

Yes, yes you did.

VIVIAN

That's strange. That's a whole cup of strange. I don't remember screaming "fuck

you" ... Well let me start again. Once upon a time FUCK YOU!!!! there lived a

teenage bingo --

Edgar grabs Vivian.

EDGAR

Vivian, Vivian, stop, you've done it again.

VIVIAN

Done what?

EDGAR

Screamed "fuck you" to the children.

VIVIAN

I did?

EDGAR

Yes, yes you did.

VIVIAN

That's strange. I wonder ... Once upon a time FUCK YOU .... (pauses) I am

saying fuck you, aren't I?

EDGAR

Yes, yes you are.

VIVIAN

That's bizarre. It must be an automatic reaction whenever I say Once upon a

time FUCK YOU!!! -- yes, that must be it. How strange. Should I tell the story

anyway?

(pause)

EDGAR

I don't care.

VIVIAN

Okay. Once upon a time FUCK YOU!!! -- there lived a teenage bingo brigade

MOTHER FUCKER and they spent all their time CUNT PUSSY solving mysteries COCK

SHIT and fighting crime RAPE WHORES --

Edgar pushes a custard pie into Vivian's face. Long silence.

EXT. YET ANOTHER PART OF THE BEACH - DAY

The teenage bingo brigade are sitting on a beach blanket, looking bored.

ALL

There are no mysteries to solve.

Long pause.

PLOG

You wanna play naked Twister?

MUTIL/SKIPPER/KIMI

Okay.

They start removing their clothes. The cat enters. Closeup on the cat.

CAT

I am a dog!

The brigade immediately becomes very scared.

ALL

AAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!

They run away, into the distance, down the beach. DRAMATIC ZOOM-IN on the cat.

Zoom in and out dramatically for a while.

We then pan down the beach. We continue panning for a while, but stop on two

people, GEORGE and BILL, who are sitting on folding chairs at a card table on

the beach, playing a very uninteresting looking two person game of bingo. Bill

is holding a gun and pointing it in the general direction of George, though

this is not immediately obvious. George is eating potato chips.

Vivian walks by in the distance, his face still covered by a pie plate and pie.

He trudges through the sand unhappily.

Bill, looking very bored, selects a number.

BILL

B-38.

George marks his card. Bill selects another number.

BILL

G-42.

George marks his card. George throws his hands up into the air in happiness.

GEORGE

Bingo!

Bill shoots George in the head. An incredible amount of blood spurts out of

George's brain, dousing the entire table in red.

George falls onto the table, dead, his head a flat gooey mess.

Pause. Bill eats a potato chip.

BIG HAPPY CAPTION (as in Monty Python): "THE END"