MONTY PYTHON'S LIFE OF BRIAN {Ik Lifen Briyen di M0nti Pyth0n} --[Three camels are silhouetted against the bright stars of the moonless sky, moving slowly along the horizon. A star leads them towards Bethlehem. The Wise Men enter the gates of the sleeping town and make their way through the deserted streets. A dog snarls at them. They approach a stable, out of which streams a beam of light. They dismount and enter to find a typical manger scene, with a baby in a rough crib of straw and patient animals standing around. The mother nods by the side of the child. Suddenly she wakes from her lightish doze, sees them, shrieks and falls backwards off her straw. She's up again in a flash, looking guardedly at them. She is a ratbag.] MANDY COHEN Who are you? WISE MAN 1 We are three wise men. MANDY What?! WISE MAN 1 We are three wise men. MANDY Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me! WISE MAN 3 We are astrologers. WISE MAN 1 We have come from the east. MANDY (suspiciously) Is this some kind of joke? WISE MAN 2 We wish to praise the infant. WISE MAN 1 We must pay homage to him. MANDY Homage? You're drunk! It's disgusting. Out. The lot, out! Bursting in here with tales about oriental fortune tellers... Come on, out. --[The three look quite confused at this reception, but back away all the same.] WISE MAN 2 No, no, we must see him. MANDY Go and praise someone else's brat. Go on. WISE MAN 2 We-- WISE MAN 1 We were led by a star. MANDY Led by a bottle, more like. Go on, out! WISE MAN 1 Well-- well, we must see him, we have brought presents. MANDY Out! WISE MAN 2 Gold, frankincense, myrrh. --[She changes her attitude quickly at the mention of presents] MANDY Well, why didn't you say? He's over there... sorry the place is a bit of a mess. Well, what is myrrh anyway? WISE MAN 3 It is a valuable balm. MANDY A balm, what are you giving him a balm for, it might bite 'im. WISE MAN 3 What? MANDY That's a dangerous animal. Quick, throw it in the trough. WISE MAN 1 No it isn't. MANDY Yes it is, it's a great big (mm) --[She drastically changes her appearance to look like a great big (mm)] WISE MAN 3 No, no, no, it is an ointment. MANDY There is an animal called a balm, or did I dream it? ... So you're astrologers, are you? Well, what is he then? WISE MAN 2 Hmm? MANDY What star sign is he? WISE MAN 2 Um, Capricorn. MANDY Um, Capricorn, eh? What are they like? WISE MAN 2 He is the son of God, our messiah. WISE MAN 1 King of the Jews! MANDY So that's Capricorn, is it? WISE MAN 2 No, no, no, that's just him. MANDY Oh, I was gonna say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them. WISE MAN 1 By what name are you calling him? MANDY Uh, Brian. WISE MEN (As heavenly music plays) We worship you, oh Brian, who art lord over us all. Praise unto you Brian, and to the lord, our father. Amen. MANDY You do a lot of this then? WISE MAN 2 What? MANDY This praising. WISE MAN 2 Oh, no, no no. MANDY (shoving them out) Well, if you're dropping by again, do pop in, huh? And thanks a lot for the gold, and frankincense, but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time, all right? Thank you. Goodbye! ... Well, weren't they nice? Out of their bloody minds, still... --[In the background we see the Wise Men pause outside another door as a gentle glow suffuses them. They look at each other, confer and then stride back in and grab the presents from her and turn to go again, pushing her over. Then we see the true object of their adoration, the baby Jesus, who seems to be suffused with an unearthly glow as his smiling parents, also glowing, stand above him. A heavenly chorus sings praises to God on high.] BRIAN Waaah. MANDY Shaddap. [Whack] --[The feverish mind of Mr. Terry Gilliam takes over for the opening credits, which I'm not even going to attempt to describe.] SINGER Brian ... the babe they called Brian Grew ... grew grew and grew, grew up to be A boy called Brian A boy called Brian He had arms and legs and hands and feet This boy whose name was Brian And he grew, grew, grew and grew Grew up to be Yes he grew up to be A teenager called Brian A teenager called Brian And his face became spotty Yes his face became spotty And his voice dropped down low And things started to grow On young Brian and show He was certainly no No girl named Brian Not a girl named Brian And he started to shave And have one off the wrist And want to see girls And go out and get pissed This man called Brian This man called ... Brian ! --[We can see a group of people walking up a desert hillside to where a man, Jesus, now fully grown, is standing on a mount preaching] Caption: JUDEA A.D. 33 Caption: SATURDAY AFTERNOON Caption: ABOUT TEA TIME JESUS How blessed are the sorrowful; they shall find consolation. How blessed are those of gentle spirit; they shall have the earth for their possession. How blessed are those who hunger, and thirst to see right prevail; They shall be satisfied. How blessed are those whose hearts are pure. They shall see God. --[The camera slowly pulls back until Jesus can hardly be heard. Here we can see Brian and mum; Brian is now 33 years old (she's hardly aged a bit, lucky her... Though I do wonder about those teeth).] MANDY Speak up! MAN Shh. BRIAN Quiet, mum. MANDY Well, I can't hear a thing. Let's go to th' stoning. --[We can now see a small group of people around the area.] BIGNOSE Ssssh. BRIAN You can go to the stoning any time. MANDY Oh come on, Brian. BIGNOSE Will you be quiet! MRS. BIGNOSE Don't pick yer nose. BIGNOSE I wasn't picking my nose. I was scratching it. MRS. BIGNOSE You was picking it... while you was talking to that lady. BIGNOSE I wasn't! MRS. BIGNOSE Leave it alone. Give it a rest. CHEEKY Do you mind? I can't hear a word he's saying. MRS. BIGNOSE Don't you 'Do you mind' me. I was talking to my husband. CHEEKY Well, go and talk to him somewhere else... I can't hear a bloody thing. BIGNOSE Don't you swear at my wife. CHEEKY I was only asking her to shut up so I could hear what he was saying, Bignose. MRS. BIGNOSE Don't you call my husband Bignose. CHEEKY Well, he has got a big nose. GREGORY Could you be quiet, please? [To Cheeky:] What was that? CHEEKY I don't know... I was too busy talking to Bignose. RANDOM I think it was 'Blessed are the cheese-makers'. MRS. GREGORY Ahh, what's so special about the cheese-makers? GREGORY Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally, it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products... CHEEKY See. If you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, Bignose. BIGNOSE Hey. Say that once more, I'll smash your bloody face in. CHEEKY Better keep listening. There might be a bit about blessed are the bignoses. BRIAN Oh, lay off him. CHEEKY Oh, you're not so bad yourself, conch-face. Where are you two from? Nose city? BIGNOSE One more time, mate. I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners. MRS. BIGNOSE Language... and don't pick your nose. BIGNOSE I wasn't going to pick my nose, I was going to thump him. SPORK Hear that? Blessed are the Greek. GREGORY The Greek? SPORK Well apparently, he's going to inherit the earth. GREGORY Did anyone catch his name? MRS. BIGNOSE You're not going to thump anybody. BIGNOSE I'll thump him if he calls me Bignose again. CHEEKY Oh shut up, Bignose. BIGNOSE Ah. All right. I warned you. I really will slug you so hard... --[Meanwhile his wife is talking to another man beside her getting the real story.] MRS. BIGNOSE Oh, it's the Meek! Blessed are the meek! Oh that's nice, isn't it. I'm glad they're getting something 'cause they have a hell of a time. CHEEKY Listen. I'm only telling the truth... you have got a very big nose. BIGNOSE Hey. Your nose is gonna be three foot wide across your face by the time I've finished with you. RANDOM Ssssh. CHEEKY Who hit yours then? Goliath's big brother? BIGNOSE Oh. Right. That's your last warning! MRS. GREGORY Oh, do pipe down. [She abruptly gets hit in the face by Bignose!] OH! --[A fight breaks out, which eventually involves a few people in the area] MANDY Oh come on...let's go to the stoning. BRIAN All right. --[Brian notices a group of people in black walking by him, including a rather attractive (to Brian) woman.] FRANCIS Well. Blessed is just about everyone with a vested interest in the status quo as far as I can tell, Reg. REG Yeah. Well, what Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is that it's the meek who are the problem. JUDITH Yes, yes. Absolutely Reg. Yes, I see. MANDY Oh come on Brian, or they'll have stoned him before we get there. BRIAN (transfixed on Judith) All right. CHEEKY Hey. Get off her. That's disgusting. Stop trying to do that. Hey, officer, intervene here. Attempted rape going on. It's the chap with the big nose's fault. He started it all. --[Brian and his mum walk along a path towards a shopkeeper selling stones. A woman carrying a donkey is passing him.] MANDY (wearing a hideous orange beard) Oh, I hate wearing these beards. BRIAN Why aren't women allowed go to stonings, mum? MANDY It's written. That's why. HARRY THE HAGGLER Pssst. Beard, madam? [looking at the woman with the donkey, opening his cloak to reveal a number of fake beards] WOMAN Oh look, I ain't got time to go to no stonings... he's not well again. DONKEY Hee haw, hee haw. HARRY THE HAGGLER Stone, sir? MANDY Nah. They've got them up there lying around on the ground. HARRY THE HAGGLER Not like this sir. Look at this. Feel the quality of that. That's craftsmanship sir. MANDY Hmm. All right... We'll take two with points, and a big flat one. BRIAN Can I have a flat one mum? MANDY Ssssh. BRIAN Sorry, dad. MANDY Eh... All right. Two points, ah, two flats, and a packet of gravel. HARRY THE HAGGLER Packet of gravel. Should be a good one this afternoon. MANDY Yeah? HARRY THE HAGGLER Local boy. MANDY Oh. Good. HARRY THE HAGGLER Enjoy yourselves. --[As Brian and his mum come over the top of a hill, they see a large number of people stoning some unfortunate. Mandy hurries Brian along to get to the next victim in time. When he is, we see that he crowd consists entirely of women wearing fake beards. An elder stands in front of the next prisoner holding a scroll as he waits for the crowd to settle down.] ELDER PRALINE Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath. MATTHIAS [to a guard] Do I say yes? LIMESTONE Yes. MATTHIAS [To the elder] Yes. ELDER PRALINE You have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the name of our lord, and so as a BLASPHEMER... CROWD Ooooh. ELDER ... you are to be stoned to death! --[The crowd looks anxious to kill Matthias, growling in a feminine way] MATTHIAS Look. I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was 'That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah'. CROWD Oooooooh! ELDER PRALINE BLASPHEMY!!!! He said it again! CROWD Yes! Yes, he did! He did!... ELDER PRALINE Did you hear him? CROWD Yes! Yes, we did! We did!... MR. CINDY (high-pitched) Really. --[There is a moment of silence as the elder thinks, after hearing the woman's voice.] ELDER PRALINE Are there any... women here today? CROWD (guilty mumbling) ELDER PRALINE (convinced) Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me... --[One of the more impatient women throws a stone and hits Matthias on the head.] MATTHIAS Oh! Lay off... we haven't started yet. ELDER PRALINE Come on. Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on. CROWD She did! She did! Er, he, he, he, him, him, him, he did... [Their voices drop as they realize their mistake.] MR. STEPHANIE Sorry, I thought we'd started. ELDER PRALINE Go to the back. MR. STEPHANIE Oh, dear. ELDER PRALINE Always one, isn't there? Now, where were we? MATTHIAS Look, I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying Jehovah. CROWD [Shocked] He said it again! ELDER PRALINE You're only making it worse for yourself. MATTHIAS Making it worse? How could it be worse? Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah!! CROWD Oooooooh! ELDER PRALINE I'm warning you...! If you say Jehovah once more... [A stone flies by and hits the elder.] Right. Who threw that? Come on. Who threw that? CROWD She did! She did! Er, he, him, him, him, him, him, him... ELDER Was it you? MR. VICTORIA Yes. ELDER Right... MR. VICTORIA Well, you did say Jehovah. [She gets stoned] ELDER (out of breath and furious) Stop! Stop, will you?! Stop that! Stop it! Now, look! No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand?! Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say 'Jehovah'. --[The women rapidly stone the elder to death, ending in the dropping of a huge boulder on his fallen body. Much applause.] MR. CINDY Good shot. --[One of the two Roman guards looks at the other, who shakes his head. They do nothing.] --[As a large statue is being brought into Jerusalem, Brian and Mum walk home] BRIAN Have I got a big nose, Mum? MANDY Oh stop thinking about sex. BRIAN I wasn't! MANDY You're always on about it. Morning, noon, and night. Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small? --[A number of beggars sit by the side of the road begging. All seem very sick apart from the one at the end. They are pleading for money from a man riding a donkey.] ILL Spare a shekel... VERY ILL God bless you, sir. VISIBLY ILL Alms for a leper. JUST PLAIN ILL Alms for a leper. EX-LEPER Alms for an Ex-leper? (gets nothing, turns annoyed to the beggar next to him.) Bloody donkey owners. All the same, aren't they? Never have any change. Oh, here's a touch. --[Brian and his mum walk along the street.] Spare a talent for an old ex-leper? MANDY Buzz off. EX-LEPER [Still following, hopping healthily] Spare a talent for an old ex-leper... MANDY A talent? That's more than he earns in a month. EX-LEPER Half a talent then. MANDY No, go away. EX-LEPER Come on, Bignose. Let's haggle. [running gag] BRIAN What? EX-LEPER All right. Cut the haggling. Say you open at one shekel, I start at two thousand, we close about eighteen hundred. BRIAN No. EX-LEPER Seventeen-fifty? MANDY Go away. EX-LEPER Seventeen-forty. MANDY Look. Will you leave him alone. EX-LEPER All right... two shekels. Just two. Isn't this fun, eh? MANDY Look. He's not giving you any money, so piss off. EX-LEPER All right, sir. My final offer: Half a shekel for an old ex-leper. BRIAN Did you say EX-leper? EX-LEPER That's right, sir. 16 years behind the bell, and proud of it, sir. BRIAN Well what happened? EX-LEPER Oh, cured, sir. BRIAN Cured? EX-LEPER Yes, sir, a bloody miracle sir, God bless you. BRIAN Well, who cured you? EX-LEPER Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business. All of a sudden, up he comes, cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood gone, not so much as a buy your leave ... You're cured, mate. Bloody do-gooder. BRIAN Well, why don't you go and tell him that you want to be a leper again? EX-LEPER Ah, I could do that, sir. Yeah, yeah. I could do that, I suppose. What I was thinking was I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. Y'know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the arse to be blunt, excuse my French sir, but... MANDY Brian! Come and clean your room out. BRIAN There you are. EX-LEPER Thank you, sir, thank... (looks down) Half a dinari for me bloody life story?! BRIAN There's no pleasing some people. EX-LEPER That's just what Jesus said, sir. --[And he hops off.] [Brian and Mum enter their (rather strikingly well-furbished) home to find a Roman officer sitting down inside.] MANDY Oh. OFFICER Good afternoon. MANDY Oh, eh. Hello, officer. Eh. I'll be with you in a few moments, all right dear? BRIAN What's HE doing here? MANDY Now don't start that Brian, and go and clean your room out. BRIAN Bloody Romans. MANDY Look, Brian. If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have (indicates home) all this, and don't you forget it. BRIAN We don't owe the Romans anything, mum. MANDY Ahh... That's not entirely true, is it, Brian? BRIAN What do you mean? MANDY Well. You know you were asking me about your, uh... BRIAN My nose? MANDY Yes. Well, there's a reason it's... like it is, Brian. BRIAN What is it? MANDY Well, I suppose I should have told you a long time ago, but... Well, Brian... your father isn't Mr. Cohen. BRIAN I never thought he was! MANDY Now none of your cheek. He was a Roman, Brian. He was a centurion in the Roman army. BRIAN You mean... you were raped? MANDY Well, at first, yes. BRIAN Who was he? MANDY Heh. Nortius Maximus his name was. Hmm. Promised me the known world he did. I was to be taken to Rome, house by the Forum, slaves, asses' milk. As much gold as I could eat. Then, he, having his way with me had... voom! Like a rat out of an aqueduct. BRIAN The bastard. MANDY Yeah. So next time you go on about the bloody Romans, don't forget you're one of them! BRIAN [In a fit of rage as he goes up to his room.] I'm not a Roman, mum, and I never will be! I'm a kike, a yid, a hebe, a hook-nose; I'm kosher, mum! I'm a red sea pedestrian, and proud of it! MANDY Huh. Sex, sex, sex. That's all they think about, eh? Well, how are you then, officer? --[She gives him a knock in the vitals.] Caption: THE COLOSSEUM, JERUSALEM Caption: CHILDREN'S MATINEE ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen! The next contest is between... Big Goliath - The Macedonian baby-crusher, and... Boris Feinburg. --[A number of women are cleaning up the stadium. The first pulls away a dead body, leaving the head behind. The next finds a ring on the finger of a body, and since she can't take it off, she slips the arm into her robes.] BRIAN [Roving the stands, holding a tray of dubious goodies] Dog's tongues. Wren's livers. Chaffinch brains. Jaguar's earlobes. Wolf nipple chips, get 'em while they're hot, they're lovely. Dromedary pretzels, only half a dinar. Tuscany fried bats. --[Elsewhere on the stands sit the terrorist organisation the People's Front of Judea. On a higher step sits (left to right) Stan, Reg, and Francis, while below them sits Judith.] JUDITH I do feel, Reg, that any anti-imperialist group like ours must reflect such a divergence of interests within its power base. REG Agreed. Francis? FRANCIS Yeah. I think Judith's point of view is very valid, Reg, provided the movement never forgets that it is the inalienable right of every man... STAN Or woman. FRANCIS ...or woman. To rid himself... STAN Or herself. FRANCIS ...or herself. REG Agreed. FRANCIS Thank you brother. STAN Or sister. FRANCIS ...or sister. Where was I? REG I think you'd finished. FRANCIS Oh, right. REG Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man... STAN Or woman. REG Why don't you shut up about women, Stan. You're putting us off. STAN Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg. FRANCIS Why are you always on about women, Stan? STAN I want to be one. REG What? STAN I want to be a woman... from now on I want you all to call me Loretta. REG What??? LORETTA It's my right as a man. JUDITH Well why do you want to be Loretta, Stan? LORETTA I want to have babies. REG You want to have babies? LORETTA It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them. REG But you can't have babies! LORETTA Don't you oppress me. REG I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb. Where's the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box? --[Loretta starts crying.] JUDITH Here. I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault... not even the Romans', but that he can have the RIGHT to have babies. --[This seems to satisfy him.] FRANCIS Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother! ... Sister, sorry. REG What's the point? FRANCIS What? REG What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can't have babies? FRANCIS It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression. REG Symbolic of his struggle against reality. --[In the arena, Boris (a tiny little guy) is thrown out of an entrance. He immediately crawls back.] GUARD Get out there. Get out there. BORIS It's um... It's dangerous out there. Ahaaaaaahh. Oh! --[He gets thrown back in again, and a portcullis slams down. He is carrying a spear and a net, which he drops and starts running away from his opponent, a professional gladiator who is weighed down by an armored arm. The crowd is disgusted by such a poor show.] GAIUS What a load of rubbish. BRIAN [He approaches the PFJ with his tray of food.] Dog's tongues. Otter's noses. Ocelot spleens. REG You got any nuts? BRIAN Haven't got any nuts, sorry. I've got wren's livers, badger's spleens. REG No, no, no. BRIAN Otter's noses? REG I don't want any of that Roman rubbish. JUDITH Why don't you sell proper food? BRIAN Proper food? REG Yeah. Not those rich imperialist tidbits. BRIAN Well don't blame me, I didn't ask to sell this stuff! REG All right. Bag of otter's noses then. FRANCIS Make it two. REG Two. --[Brian hands them two bags.] FRANCIS Thanks, Reg. BRIAN Are you the Judean People's Front? REG (pissed) Fuck off! BRIAN What? REG Judean People's Front. We're the People's Front of Judea! Judean People's front, caw. FRANCIS Wankers. BRIAN Can I join your group? REG No. Piss off. BRIAN I didn't want to sell this stuff. It's only a job. I hate the Romans as much as anybody. PFJ Ssssh. Ssssh, Ssssh, Ssssh, Ssssh!! JUDITH Are you sure? BRIAN Oh. Dead sure... I hate the Romans already. REG Listen. If you really wanted to join the PFJ, you'd have to really hate the Romans. BRIAN I do. REG Oh yeah? How much? BRIAN A LOT. REG Right. You're in. Listen. The only people we hate more than the Romans are the fucking Judean People's Front. PFJ Yeah. JUDITH Splitters. FRANCIS And the Judean Popular Peoples Front. PFJ Oh yeah. Splitters. LORETTA And the People's Front of Judea. PFJ Splitters. REG What? LORETTA The People's Front of Judea. Splitters. REG We're the People's Front of Judea! LORETTA Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front. REG People's Front! FRANCIS Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg? REG He's over there. --[A single old man sits on a lower seat.] PFJ [To the old man.] SPLITTER! GOLIATH (panting) Oh. Oh. Oh. I think I'm about to have a cardiac arrest. --[He falls dead.] GAIUS Absolutely dreadful. Humph. --[Boris runs around triumphantly, then kneels and show the Romans what he thinks of them. Cheers erupt from the crowd.] REG Brother. Ha ha. What's your name? BRIAN Brian. Brian Cohen. REG We may have a little job for you, Brian. --[fade to black] --[Brian approaches the palace wall at night, and starts painting something on the wall. He does not, however, see a group of Roman guards approaching from behind him, led by a Centurion who reads his writing.] CENTURION What's this then? 'ROMANES EUNT DOMUS.' People called Romanes, they go the house? BRIAN (frightened but beligerent) It, it says 'Romans go home'. CENTURION No, it doesn't. What's Latin for 'Roman'? Come on... BRIAN Aaaahh.. CENTURION Come on. BRIAN Ah! Romanus? CENTURION Goes like? BRIAN Annus? CENTURION Vocative plural of 'annus' is? BRIAN Anni? CENTURION Romani. [He crosses out the 'es' and writes in 'i'.] Eunt? What is eunt? BRIAN Go. CENTURION Conjugate the verb 'to go'. BRIAN Uh. Ire - Uh... eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt. CENTURION So eunt is? BRIAN Ah, Uh, Third person plural of present indicative. They go. CENTURION But Romans go home is an order, so you must use the? --[The centurion lifts Brian by the sideburns...Ouch.] BRIAN The imperative. CENTURION Which is? BRIAN Ahm. Oh, oh, um... I, I. CENTURION How many Romans? BRIAN Ah. Plural, plural... ite, ite. CENTURION Ite. [He again corrects the writing on the wall.] Domus? Nominative? 'Go home'? This is motion towards, isn't it, boy? BRIAN Dative, sir. --[The Centurion whips out his weapon, and prepares to slit Brian's throat.] Ahh! No, not dative, not the dative, sir. Oh, Ah. Uh. The accusative accusative. Ah, Domum, sir. Ab domum! Ah! Oooh! Ah! CENTURION Except that 'domus' takes the? BRIAN The locative, sir. CENTURION Which is? BRIAN Domum. Aagh! ah. --[Again, the writing is amended.] CENTURION Domum... um... Understand? BRIAN Yes, sir. CENTURION Now write it out a hundred times. BRIAN Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir. CENTURION Hail Caesar. And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off. BRIAN Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar and everything, sir. Oh! --[The Centurion walks off, leaving two sentries behind to guard him.] --[Dawn over Jerusalem. Brian has written the slogan all over the front of the palace, in letters a hundred feet high.] BRIAN (passing out) Finished! --[The Sentries pick up their shields and spears. One of them points his spear threateningly at Brian, and speaks.] ROMAN SOLDIER STIG Right. Now don't do it again. --[The two walk off as Brian admires his handiwork. Unfortunately, another group of guards come along, and realize what has been written. Brian sees them, and scarpers. They give chase, careless of the citizens.] INCONSEQUENTIAL Hey! Bloody Romans. --[Just as Brian starts to despair of his fleeing, a hand clasps over his mouth, and drags him backwards into an alcove. When he is released he recognizes his savior through the darkness... Judith.] --[In the PFJ's official HQ, Francis stands pointing at a plan of Pilate's palace with a wooden spoon, explaining a plan to the other members and the leaders from the Colosseum.] FRANCIS We get in through the underground heating system here. Up through into the main audience chamber here, and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody, and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions? --{Spot the dancing caterpillars} XERXES What exactly are the demands? REG We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman imperialist state, and if he doesn't agree immediately, we execute her. MATTHIAS Cut her head off? FRANCIS Cut all her bits off. Send them back on the hour every hour. Show them we're not to be trifled with. REG And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop her up, and that we shall NOT submit to blackmail! --[All members of the PFJ salute this bringing their right fists to their foreheads.] PFJ No Blackmail!! REG They bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had. And not just from us, but from our fathers, and from our fathers' fathers. LORETTA And from our fathers', fathers', fathers. REG Yeah. LORETTA And from our fathers', fathers', fathers', fathers. REG Yeah, all right, Stan. Don't labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return? XERXES The aqueduct? REG What? XERXES The aqueduct. REG Oh yeah, yeah. They did give us that. That's true, yeah. UNNECESSARY And sanitation. LORETTA Oh yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be like. REG Yeah, all right, I'll grant you the aqueduct, the sanitation are two things the Romans have done... MATTHIAS And the roads. REG Well, yeah. Obviously the roads, I mean the roads go without saying, don't they? But apart from the sanitation, the aqueduct, and the roads... VESTIGIAL Irrigation. XERXES Medicine. EXPENDABLE Education. REG Yeah, yeah, all right. Fair enough... SUPERFLUOUS And the wine. PFJ Ohhhh yeah... FRANCIS Yeah. Yeah, That's something that we'd really miss, Reg, if the Romans left, huh? UNNEEDED Public baths. LORETTA And it's safe to walk the in streets at night now, Reg. FRANCIS Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it, the only ones who could in a place like this! (indicating them) PFJ (general agreement) REG (irritated) All right. But apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system, and public health... What have the Romans ever done for us? XERXES Brought peace? REG Oh, peace... SHADDAP! --[There is a knock on the door, and all members of the PFJ hide perfectly- under the table, standing under a sheet, head down in a shallow basket, etc. Matthias sees that they have all hidden, and ambles over to the door.] MATTHIAS [singsong] I am a poor old man. My sight is poor, my legs are old and bent. --[He opens the door to reveal Judith and Brian.] JUDITH It's all right, Matthias. MATTHIAS It's all clear. --[The two walk in, as the others emerge.] JUDITH Well, where's Reg? FRANCIS Oh Reg. Reg, it's Judith. REG (popping out] What went wrong? JUDITH The first blow has been struck. REG Did he finish the slogan? JUDITH A hundred times, in letters ten foot high, all the way around the palace. REG Oh, great. Great. We-- we need doers in our movement, Brian. But before you join us, know this: There is not one of us here who would gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all. ONE Uh.. well, one. REG Oh yeah, yeah. There's one. But otherwise, we're solid. Are you with us? BRIAN Yes. --[Again the PFJ salute, and Brian copies the movement.] REG From now on, you shall be called 'Brian that is called Brian.' Tell him about the raid on Pilate's palace, Francis. FRANCIS Right. This is the plan... --[We see now the PFJ (officials) executing the operation as Francis dictates the plan] FRANCIS VO Now, this is the palace in Caesar's square. Our commando unit will approach from Fish Street under cover of night, and make our way to the north-western main drain. If questioned, we are sewage workers on our way to a conference. Reg, our glorious leader, and founder of the PFJ, will be coordinating consultant at the drain head, though he himself will not be taking part in any terrorist action, as he has a bad back. --[The PFJ enter the sewer, and Reg closes up after them.] BRIAN Aren't you going to come with us? REG Solidarity, brother. BRIAN Oh, yes. Solidarity... Reg. FRANCIS VO Once in the sewer, timing will be of the essence. There is a Roman feast later in the evening, so we must move fast... and don't wear your best sandals. Turning left here, we enter the Caesar Augustus memorial sewer, and from there, proceed directly to the hypervault. This has just been re-tiled, so terrorists, careful with those weapons! We will now be directly beneath Pilate's audience chambers. This is the moment for Habbakuk to get out his prong. --[A large hole is made in a unique spot in the mosaic on the floor above, from which all the PFJ emerge, hearts pounding audibly. As the PFJ approach a corner crouching, another group of rebels, the Campaign for a Free Galilee, advance towards the other side.] CFG 1 Ssssh. CFG 2 Ssssh. --[The two groups spot each other and relax. After a few confused moments, the leader declares his group in a thick Welsh accent.] DEADLY DIRK OF THE CFG Campaign for a Free Galilee. FRANCIS Oh. Uh. People's Front of Judea. Officials. DEADLY DIRK Oh. FRANCIS What's your group doing here? DEADLY DIRK We're going to kidnap Pilate's wife, take her back, issue demands. FRANCIS So are we. DEADLY DIRK What? FRANCIS That's our plan! DEADLY DIRK We were here first. FRANCIS What do you mean?! DEADLY DIRK We thought of it first. PFJ MAN Oh yeah? DEADLY DIRK Yes. A couple of years ago. PFJ Oh, yeah. Heh heh. DEADLY DIRK We did! FRANCIS Okay, come on, come on. You got all your demands worked out? DEADLY DIRK 'Course we have. FRANCIS What are they? DEADLY DIRK Well, I'm not telling you. FRANCIS Oh, come on. Pull the other one! VARIOUS Shh! DEADLY DIRK That's not the point. We thought of it before you. WARRIS Did not. DEADLY DIRK We did. FRANCIS You didn't. CFG We bloody did! VARIOUS Sssssssh. Sssssssssssssh. DEADLY DIRK You bastards, we've been planning this for months. FRANCIS Well, tough titty for you, fish face. AAAAGGH! --[A general fight breaks out between the two groups.] BRIAN Brothers, brothers. We should be struggling together! FRANCIS We are! BRIAN We mustn't fight each other! Surely we should be united against the common enemy! ALL The Judean People's Front !! BRIAN No. No. The Romans! ALL Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. FRANCIS Yeah. He's right. SOMEONE Look out! NO ONE Careful... --[A Roman guard crosses the hall verrrry slowly.] DEADLY DIRK Right. Where were we? FRANCIS Uh, you were going to punch me. DEADLY DIRK Oh yeah. --[The fight breaks out again. More Roman guards approach to find all members of both groups except Brian basically killing each other. They walk up to the surprised Brian, and all goes black...] BRIAN Brothers!!! Oof! --[Brian wakes up to find himself being dragged by the feet to the palace dungeons, bumping his head on the steps.] FANG (THE JAILER) [Throwing Brian into a cell] Heh heh heh. [spit] BRIAN Aagh! FANG Heh heh heh. [cough] --[A voice comes from the far side of the cell.] BEN You lucky bastard. BRIAN Who's that? --[As Brian's eyes become accustomed to the dark, he sees a white-haired old man chained up on the wall of the cell.] BEN You lucky, lucky bastard. BRIAN What? BEN Proper little jailers' pet, aren't we? BRIAN What do you mean? BEN You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh? BRIAN Slipped him a few shekels? You saw him spit in my face! BEN Oh! What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face... I sometimes hang awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face. BRIAN Well it's not exactly friendly, is it? They have me in manacles! BEN Manacles?! Ooh ooh oh oh. My idea of HEAVEN is to be allowed to be put in manacles... just for a few hours. They must think the sun shines out of your arse, sonny. BRIAN (on the defensive) Oh, lay off me! I've had a hard time! BEN YOU'VE had a hard time? I've been here five years. They only hung me up the right way up yesterday. So don't you come rou... BRIAN All right, all right. BEN They must think you're Lord God Almighty. BRIAN What will they do to me? BEN Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion. BRIAN CRUCIFIXION ?! BEN Yeah. First offense? BRIAN Get away with crucifixion? It's... BEN Best thing the Romans ever did for us. BRIAN WHAT?!!! BEN Oh yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion, this country'd be in a right bloody mess! BRIAN GUARD! BEN Nail 'em up, I say! BRIAN Guard! BEN Nail some sense into them! --[Fang once again comes to the door.] FANG [cough cough] Whaddaya want? BRIAN I want you to move me to another cell. FANG Ha! [spit] BRIAN Aaaah! BEN Oh. Look at that. Bloody favouritism. FANG Shaddup, you. BEN (smiling) Sorry. FANG [Walking away.] Uggggh. BEN (rattling on) Now take my case. They hung me up here five years ago. Every night, they take me down for twenty minutes, then they hang me up again, which I regard as very fair in view of what I done. And if nothing else, it's taught me to respect the Romans! And it's taught me that you'll never get anywhere in this life unless you're prepared to do a fair days work for a fair day's... BRIAN Oh, shut up! FANG Uuuuggh. CENTURION Pilate wants to see you. BRIAN Me? CENTURION Come on! BRIAN Pilate? What does he want to see me for? CENTURION I think he wants to know which way you want to be crucified. BEN Oh, ha ha ha ha, ha ha. Nice one, centurion, like it, like it. CENTURION Shut up! BEN (smiling) Right. Right. Terrific race, the Romans. Terrific. --[Pilate's main audience chamber. For some strange reason, there are repairs being done to the mosaic on the floor, and apparently the place is also being re-decorated. A Designer stands talking to Pilate, until the sound of marching feet are heard, and in walks the Centurion, with Brian dragged in by two guards.] PONTIUS PILATE ... Make one lawge living awea. Ahh. CENTURION Hail Caesar. PILATE Hail. CENTURION Only one survivor, sir. PILATE Ah. Thwow him to the floor. CENTURION What, sir? PILATE Thwow him to the floor. CENTURION Ah! [Signals Brian be thrown to the floor.] BRIAN Aagh! PILATE Hmm. Now, what is your name, Jew? BRIAN Brian, sir. PILATE Bwian, eh? BRIAN No, no. Brian. [The centurion whaps him across the head.] Aagh! PILATE Hoohoohoohoo. The little wascal has spiwit. CENTURION Has what, sir? PILATE Spiwit. CENTURION (half-smiling) Yes, he did, sir. PILATE No, no, spiwit, siw... uh. Bwavado, a touch of dewwing-do. CENTURION Oh, Ah... About eleven, sir. PILATE (confused) So. You dare to waid us. BRIAN To what sir? PILATE Stwike him, centuwion, vewwy woughly. --[The Centurion stwikes him vewwy woughly.] BRIAN Waah! CENTURION Oh and uh, throw him to the floor, Sir? PILATE What? CENTURION Thwow him to the floor again, Sir? PILATE Oh, yes. Thwow him to the floor please. BRIAN Aagh! PILATE Now, Jewish wapscallion. BRIAN I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman! PILATE A Woman? BRIAN No, no, Roman. [WHAP] Aagh! PILATE So, your father was a Woman. Who was he? BRIAN He was a centurion in the Jerusalem garrison, sir. PILATE Weally? What was his name? BRIAN Nortius Maximus. CENTURION [laughs loudly, but catches himself at the sight of Pilate's stone face.] PILATE Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison? CENTURION Well no, sir. PILATE Well, you sound vewwy sure. Have you checked? CENTURION Well no, sir um... I think it's a joke, sir. Like uh... Sillius Soddus, or... uh, Biggus Dickus, sir. GUARD 4 (snigger) PILATE What's so funny about Biggus Dickus? CENTURION Well it's a joke name, sir. PILATE I have a vewwy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus. GUARD 1 (Snigger) PILATE Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find youwself in gladiatow school vewwy quickly with wotten behaviow like that. BRIAN Can I go now sir? [WHAP] Aaaagh! PILATE Wait till Biggus Dickus heaws of this! GUARD 4 [snigger] PILATE Wight! Take him away! CENTURION Oh sir, he -- he only-- PILATE No no. I want him fighting wabid wild animals within a week. CENTURION Yes, sir. Come on, you. -- [He leads the still-laughing guard away.] PILATE I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. [his face turns sly] ...Anybody else feel like a little ... giggle... when I mention my fwiend Biggus ... Dickus? GUARD 1 [laughs hysterically] --[He walks up to guard 2, and speaks exadurately to his face.] PILATE What about you?! Do you find it wisable, when I say the name... Biggus... GUARD 2 Parp. PILATE ... Dickus? GUARDS 1 AND 2 [sniggering] --[He then walks around to Guards 3 and 4 (The ones beside Brian).] PILATE He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? She's called Incontinentia. --[longish pause] Incontinentia Buttocks! --[The Guards just crack up laughing.] Stop! What is all this? I've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behaviow. Silence! You call yourself Pwaetonian guawds? You're not... --[Bwian, sorry, Brian, seizes his chance, and scarpers.] Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him! --[Brian runs up a tower trying to escape the pursuing Guards. A Builder sits at he top of it, slowly hammering away in the sun. He drops his hammer, and slowly walks down the stairs.] BUILDER Hmm? Oh. [whistle]. [He passes Brian and the Guards running up in the opposite direction] Sorry. --[Brian reaches the top of the tower, and notices too late that it stops, and he doesn't.] BRIAN Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. --[Not at all surprisingly, a spaceship just happens to be passing by at that time, and Brian just happens to fall into the cockpit behind two Aliens.] KLAATU Aggz. NIKTO Rozak kaibak. --[Suddenly, a siren goes off, indicating pursuit. Another ship starts shooting at them. Very nice sound effects. Brian's Taxi crashes sidelong into an asteroid, and heads back to Earth.] SIREN Rroooooah. Rroooooah. Rroooooah. KLAATU Agk! Grohtch. Ak! --[A large circular ship comes from the sun, and starts shooting at them. Tres bons sound effects. The ship crashes sidelong into an asteroid, and heads back for Earth. They get hit, and start to fall. They crash at the base of the unfinished tower and Brian walks away unscathed.] EYEWITNESS Oh, you lucky bastard. --[The Roman soldiers emerge from the tower, and spot Brian, and the chase resumes.] DIRTY PROPHET AND the BIZAN shall be HUGE and BLACK, and the eyes thereof RED with the BLOOD of living creatures ! And the WHORE of Babylon shall RIDE forth on a gray headed serpent, and throughout the lands there shall be a GRRRREAT rubbing of parts. YEEEAH. [The crowd is mesmerized... Next comes a prophet with a thick Northern Irish accent , wearing robes and holding a staff.] FALSE PROPHET And the demon shall bear a nine bladed sword. Nine bladed! Not two, or five, or seven- but NINE! Which he shall wield on all wretched sinners, sinners just like you, sir there. And the horns shall be on the head, with which he will... BLANDLY ACCURATE PROPHET ... Obadiah, his servants. There shall in that time be rumours of things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things wi-with the sort of raffier-work base, that has an attachment. At that time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock. Yea, it is written in the book of Cyril, that in that time... --[Brian sees a troop of Romans, and quickly looks for a way of disguising himself. He spots a beard selling stand, and heads for it. There, he meets the shopkeeper from before, and picks up a fake beard.] BRIAN How much? Quick! HARRY THE HAGGLER What? BRIAN It's for the wife. HARRY THE HAGGLER Oh. Uh... Twenty shekels. BRIAN Right. HARRY THE HAGGLER What? BRIAN There you are. HARRY THE HAGGLER Wait a minute. BRIAN What? HARRY THE HAGGLER Well, we're, we're supposed to haggle. BRIAN No, no, I've got to get... HARRY THE HAGGLER What do you mean, no no no? BRIAN I haven't time, I've got ... HARRY THE HAGGLER Well, give it back then. BRIAN No, no, no I paid you. HARRY THE HAGGLER Burt! --[An immensely tall man stands up behind Brian, blocking his way out.] BURT Yeah? HARRY THE HAGGLER This bloke won't haggle. BURT Won't haggle??? BRIAN All right... do we have to? --[Burt disappears.] HARRY THE HAGGLER Now look. I want twenty for that. BRIAN I, I just gave you twenty. HARRY THE HAGGLER Now are you telling me that's not worth twenty shekels? BRIAN No. HARRY THE HAGGLER Look at it. Feel the quality, that's none of yer goat. BRIAN All right, I'll give you nineteen then. HARRY THE HAGGLER No, no, no. Come on. Do it properly. BRIAN What? HARRY THE HAGGLER Haggle properly. This isn't worth nineteen. BRIAN But you just said it was worth twenty. HARRY THE HAGGLER Oh dear, oh dear. Come on. Haggle. BRIAN All right, I'll give you ten. HARRY THE HAGGLER That's more like it... Ten!? Are you trying to insult me? Me? With a poor dying grandmother...Ten!?! BRIAN All right, I'll give you eleven. HARRY THE HAGGLER Now you're getting it... Eleven!?! Did I hear you right? Eleven? This cost me twelve. You want to ruin me? BRIAN Seventeen. HARRY THE HAGGLER No, no, no, no. Seventeen! BRIAN Eighteen? HARRY THE HAGGLER No, no. You go to fourteen now. BRIAN All right, I'll give you fourteen. HARRY THE HAGGLER Fourteen, are you joking? BRIAN That's what you told me to say. HARRY THE HAGGLER Oh dear. BRIAN Oh! Tell me what to say. Please. HARRY THE HAGGLER Offer me fourteen. BRIAN I'll give you fourteen. HARRY THE HAGGLER (to no one in particular) He's offering me fourteen for this! BRIAN Fifteen. HARRY THE HAGGLER Seventeen. My last word. I won't take a penny less, or strike me dead. BRIAN Sixteen. HARRY THE HAGGLER Done. Nice to do business with you. Tell you what, I'll throw in this as well. [Hands Brian a gourd.] BRIAN I don't want it, but thanks. HARRY THE HAGGLER Burt! BURT Yeah? BRIAN All right, all right, all right. HARRY THE HAGGLER Where's the sixteen you owe me? BRIAN I just gave you twenty. HARRY THE HAGGLER Oh yeah. That's right. That's four I owe you then. BRIAN No, it's all right, that's fine, that's fine. HARRY THE HAGGLER No, I've got it here somewhere. BRIAN It's all right, that's four for the gourd. HARRY THE HAGGLER Four for this gourd? Four !! Look at it, that's worth ten if it's worth a shekel. BRIAN But you just gave it to me for nothing. HARRY THE HAGGLER Yes, but it's worth ten. BRIAN All right, all right. HARRY THE HAGGLER No, no, no, no. It's not worth ten, You're supposed to argue. Ten for that, you must be mad ... [He notices Brian running.] Ah, well. There's one born every minute. --[Meanwhile, back at the PFJ HQ, they are reading a list of those who perished in the failed raid.] REG Daniel. LORETTA Daniel. REBEL Job. REG Job. LORETTA Job. REBEL Joshua. REG Joshua. LORETTA Joshua. REBEL Judges. REG Judges. LORETTA Judges. REBEL and Brian. REG and Brian. LORETTA Brian. REG I now propose that all seven of these ex-brothers be now entered in the minutes as probationary martyrs to the cause. LORETTA I second that, Reg. REG Thank you, Loretta. On the nod. Siblings! Let us not be down-hearted. One total catastrophe like this is just the beginning. Their glorious deaths shall unite us all in a... MATTHIAS Look out! --[Brian walks in still wearing his beard and uncovers the others in their hiding places.] BRIAN Hello? Matthias? Reg. REG Go away! BRIAN Hmm? Reg, it's me, Brian. REG Get off! Get off, out of it! BRIAN Stan! LORETTA Piss off. ZUCCHINI Yeah... piss off. REG Bugger off. --[There is a loud knocking at the door.] REG Oh, shit! MATTHIAS Coming. --[MATTHIAS signals Brian to hide out on the balcony. This he does, but it moves ominously when he steps out onto it. Directly below him, he can see the blandly accurate prophet from two scenes ago.] BLANDLY ACCURATE PROPHET Yea, verily at that time, it is written in the book of Obadiah that a man shall strike his donkey, and his nephew's donkey, and anyone in the vicinity of his nephew or the donkey... MATTHIAS [Walking to the door.] My eyes are dim, I cannot see. --[He opens the door to show a Roman legion led by our very own Centurion.] CENTURION Are you Matthias? MATTHIAS Yes. CENTURION We have reason to believe you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth, a member of the terrorist organisation, The People's Front of Judea. MATTHIAS Me? No. I am just a poor old man, I've no time for law-breakers. My legs are gray, my ears are gnarled, my eyes are old and bent ... CENTURION Quiet! Silly person. Guards! Search the house! --[The rest of the legion march quickly and loudly into the house.] You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harboring a known criminal? MATTHIAS No. CENTURION Crucifixion. MATTHIAS (uninterested) Oh. CENTURION Nasty, eh? MATTHIAS Hm. Could be worse. CENTURION What do you mean 'could be worse'? MATTHIAS Well, you could be stabbed. CENTURION Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow, 'orrible death! MATTHIAS Well, at lest it gets you out in the open air. CENTURION You're weird. --[The guards march back out.] SERGEANT No sir. Couldn't find anything, sir. CENTURION But don't worry, you've not seen the last of us... weirdo. [He walks away.] MATTHIAS Big-nose. CENTURION Watch it! MATTHIAS (closing door) Phew. That was lucky. --[The PFJ emerge from their hiding places.] BRIAN I'm sorry, Reg. REG Oh, it's all right, siblings. He's sorry. He's sorry he led the fifth legion straight to our official headquarters. Well, that's all right then, Brian. Sit down. Have a scone. Make yourself at home. YOU KLUTZ !!! You stupid, bird-brained, flat-headed-- --[There is another knocking at the door. Everyone scarpers.] BLANDLY ACCURATE PROPHET (outside) ...this great, big, juicy melon behind... MATTHIAS My legs are old and bent, my ears are grizzled... yes? CENTURION There's one place we didn't look. Guards! --[The guards march back in. MATTHIAS I'm just a poor old man. My eyesight is bad. My eyes are poor. My nose is knackered... CENTURION Have you ever seen anyone crucified? MATTHIAS Crucifixion's a doddle. CENTURION Don't keep saying that. --[The guards march out again, the sergeant holding the wooden spoon used by Francis earlier.] SERGENT Found this spoon, sir. CENTURION Well done, sergeant. We'll be back... oddball. --[Everyone inside relaxes again. Immediately, there is another knock.] Open up! MATTHIAS You haven't given us time to hide. --[The balcony finally gives up its desperate struggle for survival, and Brian falls on top of the accurate prophet.] BRIAN Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! BLANDLY ACCURATE ... the nephew or the donkey... Wha? Whooooooah! --[The prophet gets knocked off his podium into a large jug, and Brian is left standing there. The crowd applauds. The crowd of five and also a Roman soldier look up expectantly at Brian. He looks around at the other prophets for inspiration.] FALSE PROPHET ...And, a nine-bladed sword, which he shall strike... DIRTY PROPHET ...Time when we all come together, and go... PROPHET IN WHITE ...And holes for the... PROPHET IN BLACK ...Jumbo jets... PROPHET IN WHITE ...every bitch how you got germs from... PROPHET IN BLACK ...fly up near the... --[He decides there's nothing to do but start preaching, or he'll be seen as an imposter. He starts speaking to his audience.] BRIAN Don't you, uh, pass judgment on other people, or you might get judged yourself. COLIN What? BRIAN I said don't pass judgment on other people, or else you might get judged too. COLIN Who, me? BRIAN Yes. COLIN Oh. Oh. Thank you very much. BRIAN Well, not just you. All of you. DENNIS That's a nice gourd. BRIAN What? DENNIS How much do you want for the gourd? BRIAN I don't. You can have it. DENNIS Have it? BRIAN Yes. Consider the lilies... DENNIS Don't you want to haggle? BRIAN No... in the fields. DENNIS What's wrong with it then? BRIAN Nothing. Take it. ELSIE Consider the lilies? BRIAN Uh, well, the birds then. EDDIE What birds? BRIAN Any birds. EDDIE Why? BRIAN Well, have they got jobs? EDDIE Who? BRIAN The birds. EDDIE Have the birds got jobs?!? --[A man passing by hears them giving out and joins in.] FRANK What's the matter with him? ARTHUR He says the birds are scrounging. BRIAN Oh, uh, look. The point is that they do all right, don't they? FRANK Well good luck to 'em. EDDIE Yeah. They're very pretty. BRIAN O-kay! And you're much more important than they are, right? So what are you worrying about? There you are, see? EDDIE I'm worrying about what you have got against birds. BRIAN I haven't got anything against the birds. Consider the lilies. ARTHUR He's having a go at the flowers now! EDDIE Oh, give the flowers a chance. DENNIS I'll give you one for it. BRIAN It's yours. DENNIS Two, then. BRIAN Look, there was this man, and he had two servants... ARTHUR What were they called? BRIAN What? ARTHUR What were their names? BRIAN I don't know. And he gave them some talents. EDDIE You don't know?!? BRIAN Well, it doesn't matter! ARTHUR He doesn't know what they were called. BRIAN Oh, they were called Simon and Adrian. Now-- ARTHUR Oh! You said you didn't know! BRIAN It really doesn't matter, the point is there were these two servants. ARTHUR He's making it up as he goes along! BRIAN No I'm not! And he gave them some talen... wait a minute, were there three? EDDIE Oh, he's terrible! ARTHUR Thbbbt! BRIAN There were three. They were-- they were st-- stewards, really. ELSIE Ah, get off! --[Just as it couldn't get worse, along comes the Roman legion who have by now finished searching Matthias' house.] BRIAN Oh! Eh, uzwuh, uh, b-b... Now. Now hear this! Blessed are they... DENNIS Three. BRIAN ... who convert their neighbour's ox, for they shall inhibit their girth. TRASH Rubbish! BRIAN And to them only shall be given ... to them only ... shall ... be ... given. --[The Romans pass.] ELSIE What? BRIAN Hmm? ELSIE Shall be given what? BRIAN Oh, nothing. ELSIE What were you going to say? BRIAN Nothing. ARTHUR AND FRANK Yes you were. ELSIE Yes, you were going to say something. BRIAN No I wasn't. I'd finished. ELSIE Oh no you weren't. ARTHUR Oh, tell us before you go. BRIAN I wasn't going to say anything. I'd finished. ELSIE No you hadn't. BLIND MAN What won't he tell? EDDIE He won't say. BLIND MAN Is it a secret? BRIAN No. BLIND MAN Is it? EDDIE Must be, otherwise he'd tell us. ARTHUR Oh, tell us the secret. BRIAN Leave me alone. SNIPE What is this secret? --[A woman comes pushing through the crowd. His newest convert.] MOUSE Is it the secret of eternal life? EDDIE He won't say! ARTHUR Well of course not. If I knew the secret of eternal life, I wouldn't say. SNIPE No. BRIAN Leave me alone. MOUSE Just tell me, please! ARTHUR No, tell us, master. We were here first. MOUSE Tell us. Tell us, master. DENNIS Five. BRIAN Oh, go away. DENNIS I can't go above five. MOUSE Tell -- Is that His gourd? DENNIS Yes, but it's under offer. MOUSE This is His gourd! DENNIS Ten! MOUSE It is His gourd. We will carry it for you, master. Master? SNIPE He's gone! He's been taken up! MOUSE [gasp] FOLLOWERS He's been taken up !! BEGGAR Eighteen! ARTHUR No. There he is. Over there. FOLLOWERS Oh, yeah. Master! Master! ... --[As Brian runs out of the city, one of his shoes falls off. His followers stop, and Follower 5 picks it up.] ARTHUR He has given us a sign! SHOE FOLLOWER He has given us... a shoe! ARTHUR The shoe is the sign. Let us follow his example. SPIKE What? ARTHUR Let us, like him, hold up one shoe and let the other be upon our foot for this is His sign, and all who follow Him shall do likewise. EDDIE Yes. SHOE FOLLOWER No no no. SNIPE No. SHOE FOLLOWER The shoe is a sign that we must gather shoes together in a bundle. MOUSE Cast off the shoes. Follow the gourd. SPIKE Aye. What? SHOE FOLLOWER No. Let us gather shoes together. Let me... ELSIE Get off! SNIPE No, no. It is a sign that like him, we must think not of things of the body, but of the face, and head. SHOE FOLLOWER Give me your shoe. SNIPE Get off! MOUSE Follow the gourd! The Holy Gourd of Jerusalem. FOLLOWER The gourd! HARRY Hold up the sandal, as He has commanded us. ARTHUR It is a shoe! It is a shoe! HARRY It is a sandal! ARTHUR No, it isn't! MOUSE Cast it away! ARTHUR Put it on! SNIPE Clear off! SHOE FOLLOWER Take the shoes and follow him! MOUSE Come, all ye who call yourself Gourdenes! --[One man is left behind. He doesn't realize that everyone is leaving him, so he starts talking.] SPIKE No! Stop! Stop! Stop! Let us. Let us pray. Yea, He cometh to us, like the seed to the grain. --[He then realizes he's alone, so he walks off, embarrassed. Now comes yet another of the wonderful chase scenes through the countryside.] FOLLOWERS MASTER!!! MASTER!!! --[Goats bray. Brian comes upon a hole {Hmm. Stop thinking that, you naughty person! You know wot I mean.} with a hermit in it. {I said stop that!}] BRIAN Hey! Is there another way down? Is there another path down to the river? SIMON THE HOLY MAN Mmmmm. Mmmmm! BRIAN Please, please help me. I've got to get... --[He sees everyone following him, so he jumps into the hole to hide.] SIMON Mmmm. [Brian lands on his foot.] OH my foot!!! Oh! BRIAN Ssssh. SIMON Oh, Damn, damn, damn! BRIAN I'm sorry! Ssssh. SIMON Oh, damn, damn, and blast it! BRIAN I'm sorry! Ssssh. SIMON Don't you 'Ssssh' me. Eighteen years of total silence, and you Ssssh me! BRIAN What? SIMON I've kept my vow for eighteen years. Not a single, recognizable articulate sound has passed my lips. BRIAN Oh please, could you be quiet just another five minutes? SIMON Oh, it doesn't matter now, I might as well enjoy myself. The times in the last eighteen years I've wanted to shout, and sing, and scream my name out! BRIAN Ssssh. --[He starts getting happy, jumping up and down, while Brian tries to stop him.] SIMON Hava Nagila! Hava Nagila, ha ha ha! Look out. Oh, I'm alive! I'm alive! Hello birds! Hello trees! I'm alive! Get off. I'm alive! Hava Nagila! Hava the relinq--... oh! --[He sees everyone. They see him, and run over to the hole.] FOLLOWERS Master! The Master! Master! Master!... SHOE FOLLOWER The Master! Aha. He is here! FRANK Master! FOLLOWERS The shoe!... ARTHUR The shoe has brought us here! ARTHUR and HARRY Speak! FOLLOWERS Ssssh. ARTHUR Speak to us master, speak to us. BRIAN Go away! FOLLOWERS A blessing! A blessing! ARTHUR How shall we go away, Master?! BRIAN Oh, just go away! Leave me alone! SHOE FOLLOWER Give us a sign! ARTHUR He has given us a sign. He has brought us to this place! BRIAN I didn't bring you here, you just followed me. SHOE FOLLOWER Oh, it's still a good sign by any standard. ARTHUR Master, your people have walked many miles to be with you. They are weary, and have not eaten. BRIAN It's not my fault they haven't eaten. ARTHUR There is no food in this high mountain. BRIAN Well what about the juniper bushes over there. FOLLOWERS [Gasp!] A miracle! A miracle! --[A few of them go over to the bushes to eat.] SHOE FOLLOWER He has made the bush fruitful by His word. SNIPE They have brought forth juniper berries! BRIAN Of course they've brought forth juniper berries, they're juniper bushes! What do you expect? ELSIE Show us another miracle! ARTHUR Do not tempt him, shallow ones! Is not the miracle of the juniper bushes enough? SIMON I say. Those are my juniper bushes. ARTHUR They are a gift from God! SIMON They're all I've bloody got to eat. [He jumps up naked out of his hole, and starts chasing people away.] Ugn. I say. Get off those bushes. Go on. Clear off, the lot of you! HARRY Lord! I am affected by a bald patch. BLIND MAN I am healed! The master has healed me! BRIAN I didn't touch him! BLIND MAN I was blind, and now I can see! Oh! --[The blind man throws away his cane, and steps forward... right into the hole. Nobody notices.] FOLLOWERS A miracle! A miracle! SIMON [After coming back to Brian.] Tell them to stop it. I hadn't said a word for eighteen years 'till he came along. FOLLOWERS A miracle! He is the Messiah! SIMON Well, he hurt my foot! FOLLOWERS Hurt my foot lord, hurt mine. ARTHUR Hail, messiah. --[They all get down on their knees.] BRIAN I'm not the messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand?! Honestly! ARTHUR I say you are, lord, and I should know... I've followed a few. FOLLOWERS Hail messiah! BRIAN I'm not the messiah, would you please listen! I'm not the messiah, do you understand? Honestly! MOUSE Only the true messiah denies his divinity. BRIAN What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right, I AM the messiah. FOLLOWERS He IS! He IS the messiah! --[They prostrate themselves in front of him.] BRIAN Now fuck off! --[longish pause] ARTHUR How shall we fuck off, oh Lord? BRIAN Oh just go away! Leave me alone! SIMON You told these people to eat my juniper berries. You break my bloody foot, you break my vow of silence, and then you try to clean up on my juniper bushes! BRIAN Oh, lay off. ARTHUR This is the Messiah, the Chosen One! SIMON (strangling Brian) No he's not. BRIAN Aaaagh! ARTHUR An unbeliever! FOLLOWERS An unbeliever! ARTHUR Persecute! Kill the heretic! --[They pick him up and carry him off. =(] FOLLOWERS Kill the heretic! Kill him! Persecute! Kill!... BRIAN (sighing) Leave him alone! Leave him alone! Leave him alone. Put him down. Please! --[One person is left behind.] JUDITH Brian? BRIAN Judith?? --[The next day dawns over Jerusalem. A rooster crows. Brian wakes up to find Judith lying beside him. He smiles to himself and walks still naked over to the window, which he throws open to take a good deep breath of fresh air.] CROWD LOOK! THERE HE IS! THE CHOSEN ONE HAS AWOKEN! --[The street outside his window is filled with his followers. He slams the shutters closed immediately. Then, as if it weren't bad enough, his mum starts knocking at the door.] BRIAN Eeech! MANDY Brian! --[He struggles to get dressed, just as she kicks the door down.] BRIAN Uh. Oooh. Uh. Mother. Oooh. Ah. MANDY Brian! BRIAN Hang on mother. Ssssh. --[She does her super-hero impression.] Hello mother. MANDY Don't you 'hello mother' me. What are all those people doing out there? BRIAN Oh, uh. I... well, I uh... MANDY Come on. What have you been up to, my lad? BRIAN Well, I think they must have popped by for something. MANDY Popped by? Swarmed by, more like. There's a multitude out there. BRIAN Um. They, they started following me yesterday. MANDY Well, they can stop following you right now! [She walks over to the window and addresses the crowd outside.] Now stop following my son! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. CROWD THE MESSIAH! THE MESSIAH! SHOW US THE MESSIAH! MANDY The who? CROWD THE MESSIAH. MANDY There's no Messiah in here. There's a mess all right, but no messiah. Now go away. CROWD BRIAN! BRIAN! MANDY Right, my lad. What have you been up to? BRIAN Nothing mum, uh... --[She starts backing him into a corner.] MANDY Come on. Out with it. BRIAN They think I'm the messiah, mum. --[Whap] MANDY Now what have you been telling them? BRIAN Nothing, I only... MANDY You're only making it worse for yourself. BRIAN Look, I can explain... --[She hits him again.] JUDITH No! Let ME explain, Mrs. Cohen! --[She turns around to see a naked Judith standing behind her, apparently about to explain everything. {I'm sure she feels a whole lot more comfortable about it all now!}] Your son is a born leader. Those people out there are following him because they believe in him, Mrs. Cohen. They believe he can give them hope. Hope of a new life, a new world, a better future! --[longish pause] MANDY Who's THAT? BRIAN Oooh! It's Judith, mum. Judith, mother. Mmm. Waaaaaaaaah! --[As Brian gets hit again, Judith runs over to protect him] MANDY Oooooooh! [She goes over to the window.] CROWD THE MESSIAH, THE MESSIAH. SHOW US THE MESSIAH. THE MESSIAH, THE MESSIAH. SHOW US THE MESSIAH. MANDY Now you listen here. He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy! Now go away! CROWD WHO ARE YOU? MANDY I'm his mother, that's who. CROWD BEHOLD HIS MOTHER! BEHOLD HIS MOTHER! HAIL TO THEE, MOTHER OF BRIAN. BLESSED ART THOU, HOSANNAH! ALL PRAISE TO THEE, NOW AND ALWAYS!!! MANDY (running fingers through her hair) Aaaaah. Now don't think you can get around me like that. He's not coming out, and that's my final word. Now shove off! CROWD NO! MANDY Did you hear what I said? CROWD YES! MANDY Oh. I see. It's like that, is it? CROWD YES! MANDY Aaaah, well, all right then. You can see him for one minute, but not one econd more. Do you understand? CROWD YES. MANDY Promise? CROWD WELL.... ALL RIGHT. MANDY All right. Here he is then. Come on, Brian. Come and talk to them. BRIAN But mum. Judith. MANDY Now leave that Welsh tart alone. --[She drags him out to address the crowd.] BRIAN But I don't really want to, mum. CROWD BRIAN! BRIAN! BRIAN Er, good morning. CROWD A BLESSING! A BLESSING! A BLESSING! BRIAN No, no. Please, please, please listen. I've got one or two things to say. CROWD TELL US! TELL US BOTH OF THEM. BRIAN Look. You've got it all wrong. You don't need to follow me. You don't NEED to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourselves. You're all individuals. CROWD YES! WE'RE ALL INDIVIDUALS! BRIAN You're all different. CROWD YES. WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT. DENNIS I'm not. CROWD Ssssh. Ssssh. BRIAN You've all got to work it our for yourselves. CROWD YES. WE'VE GOT TO WORK IT OUT FOR OURSELVES. BRIAN Exactly. CROWD TELL US MORE! BRIAN No. That's the point. Don't let anyone tell you what to do. --[Mum comes out 1 minute, 6 seconds later.] Otherwise... Ow! No! MANDY Come on Brian. That's enough, that's enough. CROWD OOOOOH! THAT WASN'T A MINUTE. MANDY Oh yes it was. CROWD OH NO IT WASN'T! MANDY Now stop that, and go away. SNIPE Excuse me. MANDY Yes? SNIPE Are you a virgin? MANDY I beg your pardon?!? SNIPE Well, if it's not a personal question, are you a virgin? MANDY If it's not a personal question? How much more personal can you get? Now piss off! SNIPE She is. CROWD Yeah. Must be... she is. Definitely. --[Brian leaves his room, to find a large number of apparently sick people in the next room] REG 'Morning, Saviour. --[As the manager leads him through the room, various people approach him.] SICK WOMAN Lay your hands on me, quick. FRANCIS Now don't jostle the chosen one, please. SICK BABY Waaah! REG Don't push that baby in the savior's face, you'll have 'til later. GREGORY I say. I say. Could He just see my wife... she has a headache. REG You'll have to wait, I'm afraid. GREGORY It's very bad, and we've got a luncheon appointment. REG Look, the lepers are queuing. GREGORY Her brother-in-law's the ex-mayor of God. REG Brian, can I introduce the gentleman who's letting us have the mount on Sunday? MR. PAPADOPOULOS [thick Liverpudlian accent] Hello. FRANCIS Don't push! --[Brian leaves and sits down on the steps outside his house, away from all the hassle.] REG And keep the noise down, please? Those possessed by devils try and keep them under control a bit, can't you? Ah... Incurables? You'll just have to wait for a few minutes. Ah. Women taken in sin, line up against that wall, will you? --[Judith come out and enthusiastically joins him.] JUDITH Brian? Brian, you were fantastic! BRIAN You weren't so bad yourself. JUDITH No. What you said just now. It was quite extraordinary. BRIAN What? Oh, that. Was it? JUDITH We don't need any leaders, You're so right. Reg has been dominating us for too long. BRIAN Well, yes. JUDITH It needed saying, and you said it, Brian. BRIAN You're... very attractive. JUDITH It's OUR revolution. We can all do it together. BRIAN I think, I think... JUDITH We're all behind you, Brian. The revolution is in your hands. BRIAN What? No, that's not what I meant at all... --[A hand slaps onto his shoulder.] CENTURION You're fuckin' nicked, me old beauty. Right. --[As Brian gets led off, Judith, not knowing what to do, viciously attacks the centurion.] Stop it. --[Brian is brought back to Pilate's palace.] PILATE Well Bwian, you've given us a good wun for our money. BRIAN [Almost bored, and resigned.] A what? [Whap] Aaaaah. PILATE This time, I guarantee you will not escape. Guard. Do we have any crucifixions today? GUARD 'Hundred and thirty nine, sir. Special celebration, Passover sir. PILATE Wight. Now we have a hundred and forty. Nice wound number, eh Bigus? --[We now see Bigus Dickus lying on a couch. You can't see if he, um, does.] BIGUS DICKUS Hmm. --[The Centurion walks in from the balcony, where we can hear a rather restless crowd.] CENTURION Hail Caesar. PILATE Hail. CENTURION The crowd outside are getting a bit restless, sir. Permission to disperse them, please. PILATE Dispewse them? But I haven't addwessed them yet. CENTURION Ah, no, I know sir, but.. PILATE My addwess is one of the high points of the Passover! My fwiend, Bigus Dickus, has come all the way fwom Wome just to heaw it. CENTURION Hail Caesar. BIGUS DICKUS Hail Theathar. CENTURION You're not... (thinks) Ah, you're not eh, thinking of giving it a miss this year then, sir? PILATE Give it a miss? CENTURION Well, it's just that they're in a rather funny mood today, sir. PILATE Weally, centuwion. I'm suwpwised to hear a man like you wattled by a wabble of wowdy webels. CENTURIAN DAVE {He's really slagging the shit out of poor Pilate.} Ahh.. a bit thundery, sir. PILATE Take him away. BRIAN I'm a Roman. Ah, I can prove it, honestly. PILATE And cwucify him well, Bigus. CENTURION Ah... I, I really wouldn't, sir. PILATE Out of the way, centurion. BIGUS DICKUS Let me come with you, Ponthiuth. I may be of thum athithtanth if there ith a thudden crithith. --[A look of despair comes over the centurion's face. He rushes to their aid.] --[Meanwhile, back at the HQ.] REG Right, now, eh. Item four: attainment of world supremacy within the next five years. Eh, Francis, you've been doing some work on this. FRANCIS Yeah, thank you, Reg. Well, quite frankly, siblings, I think five years is optimistic, unless we can smash the Roman empire within the next twelve months. REG Twelve months? FRANCIS Yeah. Twelve months. And let's face it... as empires go, this is the big one, so we've got to get up of our arses, and stop just talking about it. PFJ Hear hear! LORETTA I agree. It's action that counts, not words, and we need action now. PFJ Hear hear! REG You're right. We could sit around here all day talking, passing resolutions, making clever speeches, it's not going to shift one Roman soldier. FRANCIS So let's just stop gabbing on about it, it's completely pointless, and it's getting us nowhere. PFJ Right. LORETTA I agree. This is a complete waste of time. --[Judith runs in, panicked.] JUDITH They've arrested Brian!! PFJ What? JUDITH They've dragged him off. They're going to crucify him. REG Right. This calls for immediate discussion! JUDITH What?!? REGULAR Immediate. DIET Right. LORETTA New motion? REG Completely new motion. Eh, That, ah. That there be, ah, immediate action... FRANCIS ... ah, once the vote has been taken. REG Well, obviously once the vote has been taken, you can't act on a resolution 'till you've voted on it! JUDITH Reg, for God's sake, let's go now, please! REG Yeah, yeah. Right, right. In the, in the light of fresh information from, ah, sibling Judith. LORETTA [taking notes] Ah, not so fast, Reg. JUDITH Reg, for God's sake. It's perfectly simple. All you've got to do is to go out of that door now, and try to stop the Romans nailing him up. It's happening, Reg! Something's actually HAPPENING, Reg! Can't you understand? Yaaargh! [She rushes out in a rage.] FRANCIS Oh. Oh dear. REG Hello... and a little ego-trip for the feminists. LORETTA What? REG Ah, oh, sorry, Loretta. Ah, read that back, would you? --[In the prisons, a Roman and two jailers stand, with a large queue up to them.] NISUS WETTUS Next. Crucifixion? DOOMED Yes. NISUS Good. Out of the door, line on the left. One cross each. Next. Crucifixion? ALSO DOOMED Yes. NISUS Good. Out of the door, line on the left. One cross each. Next. Crucifixion? CHEEKY Eh? No, freedom. NISUS What? CHEEKY Eh, freedom for me. They said I hadn't done anything, so I could go free and live on an island somewhere. NISUS Oh? Oh, that's jolly good. Well, off you go then! CHEEKY Naah. I'm only pulling your leg. It's crucifixion really. NISUS Oho, I see. Very good very good. Well, out of the door... CHEEKY [cheerily] Yeah. I know the way. Out of the door, one cross each, line on the left. NISUS Line on the left, yes. Thank you. Crucifixion? Good. --[A fanfare welcomes Pilate. Cheers from the crowd.] PILATE People of Jewusalem. Wome is your fwiend. CROWD (laughter) PILATE To pwove ouw fwiendship, it is customawy at this time to welease a wongdower fwom ow pwisons. CROWD (laughter) SENTRY (snigger) --[Bigus and the Centurian stare at him.] PILATE Whom would you have me welease? MAN Welease Woger! CROWD Yeah! WELEASE WOGER! WELEASE WOGER! (laughter) PILATE Vewwy well. I shall welease woger! CROWD (cheers) CENTURION Sir, eh. We don't have a Woger, sir. PILATE What? CENTURION Eh, we don't have anyone of that name, sir. PILATE Ah. We have no Woger. CROWD AWWWW... MAN Well, what about Wodewick then? CROWD Yeah. WELEASE WODEWICK! WELEASE WODEWICK! PILATE Centurion. Why do they ... titter so? CENTURION Just some, uh, Jewish joke, sir. PILATE Are they... swagging me? CENTURION Oh, no, sir! SENTRY (chortle) PILATE Vewwy well. I shall welease Wodewick ! CROWD (laughter) CENTURION Sir, we don't have a Roderick either. PILATE No Woger, no Wodewick. CENTURION Sorry, sir. PILATE Who is the Wog... Who is the Wodewick to whom you wefer? MAN 1 He's a wobber. CROWD (laughter) MAN 2 And a wapist. CROWD (laughter) WOMAN ... and a pickpocket! CROWD Ssssssh. PILATE He sounds a notowious cwiminal. CENTURION We haven't got him, sir. PILATE Do we have anyone in our pwisons at all? CENTURION Oh yes, sir. We've got a Samson, sir. PILATE Samson? CENTURION Samson the Saggisea strangler, sir. Ah, Silas the Assyrian Assassin. Ah, several seditious scribes from Ceaserea, ah... sixty-seven seers from... BIGUS DICKUS Let me thpeak to them, Ponthiuth. CENTURION Oh, NO. PILATE Ah. Good idea, Bigus. BIGUS DICKUS Thitizenth. We have Thamthon the Thaggithea thtrangler, Thilas the Athyrian Athathin, theveral thadiciouth thcribeth from Theatherea... --[Back in the prisons.] NISUS Next. Ah. Crucifixion? EQUALLY DOOMED Yes. NISUS Good. Out of the door, line on the left. One cross each. Jailer? BRIAN Excuse me. There's been some sort of mistake. NISUS Just a moment, would you? Jailer. How many have come through? FANG What? NISUS Uh... how many have come through? FANG What? TOENAIL Uh, Y-y-y-you'll have to s-s-spea s-s-s-sp s-s-s-sp s-s-speak up a-a bit, sir. He's-he's-he's-he's de. He's-he's-he's-dea. He's-he's-he's deaf as a, deaf as a p-p-post, sir. NISUS Eh... HOW MANY HAVE COME THROUGH ??!! FANG Heh heh heh heh. Heh heh heh heh. Nyeh heh heh heh. NISUS Oh dear. TOENAIL I make it ninety ffffff... ninety ffffff... ninety ffffff... ninety six, sir. NISUS It's such a senseless waste of human life, isn't it? TOENAIL N-n-n-n-NO, sir. Not for these b-b-BASTARDS, sir. C-crrr-crrrr- crrrrcrrrrucifixion's too good for them, sir. NISUS I don't think you could say it's too good for them. It's, it's very nasty. TOENAIL Well, it's not as n-n-n-na na na. Not as nasty as something I just thought up, sir. NISUS No. Uh, now, um. Crucifixion. BRIAN Is there someone I can speak to? NISUS Well... FANG (nuzzling him affectionately) I know where to get it, if you want it. NISUS What? TOENAIL Don't worry about hi-hi-him, sir. He-he's de. He's de. He's deaf and Mmmmmmmmmad, sir. NISUS Well how did he get the job? TOENAIL Bloody Pilate's pet, sir. FANG Hehheh. CHEEKY Get a move on, Bignose! There's people waiting to be crucified out here. Ha ha! BRIAN Could I see a lawyer or someone? NISUS Um, do, do you have a lawyer? BRIAN No, but I'm a Roman. CHEEKY How about a re-trial? We've got plenty of time! --[Another centurion stands outside guarding the prisoners.] PARVUS Shut up, you. CHEEKY Miserable bloody Romans. No sense of humor. Oh! NISUS I'm sorry. Bit of a hurry. Can you go straight out, line on the left? One cross each. Now... CROWD (roaring laughter) BIGUS DICKUS Wath it thomething I thaid? PILATE Silence! This man commands the cwack legions! CROWD WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAA!! PILATE He wanks as high as any in Wome!! CROWD AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAA!! --[Outside the prisons, Nisus addresses the crucifees-to-be.] NISUS Crucifixion Party. Morning. Now. We will be on show as we go through the town, so let's not let the side down. Keep in a good straight line. Three lengths between you and the man in front, and a good steady pace. Crosses over your left shoulders, and if you keep your backs hard up against the crossbeam, you'll be there in no time. ALFONSO Oooooooh. NISUS Heh. All right, centurion. PARVUS Crucifixion Party! --[Some of them stumble forward.] Wait for it... Crucifixion party, by the left. Forward! --[They start moving, slowly. We can see old Ben hanging upside-down... but at least he has a view out a grate.] BEN You lucky bastards! You lucky, jammy bastards! --[A man selling candle-crosses pities the poor bastards.] SAINTLY PASSER-BY Let me shoulder your burden, brother. [He takes the cross.] ALFONSO Oh, thank you. SAINTLY PASSER-BY H-hey! PARVUS [To the Saintly Passer-By, who's turning around to watch Alfonso run off.] Oy! What do you think you're doing? SAINTLY PASSER-BY Ah, i-it's not my cross. PARVUS Shut up, and get on with it! CHEEKY Ahahaha! He had you there, mate, didn't he? That'll teach you a lesson. Ooohoohoo! PILATE All right. I will give you one more chance. This time, I want to heaw no Wubens. No Weginalds. No Wudolf the wed-nosed weindeers. BIGUS DICKUS No Thpenther Trathies. PILATE ... or we shall welease no-one. JUDITH Release Brian!! BOB Oh yeah. That's a good one. WELEASE BWIAN! CROWD WELEASE BWIAN! WELEASE BWIAN! AAAAAAHHHAHAHAHHAHHAHHA!!! PILATE Vewwy well. That's it! CENTURION Sir. We uh. We have got a Brian, sir. PILATE What? CENTURION You just sent him for crucifixion, sir. PILATE Uh. Ah, wait, wait. We do have a Bwian. Well, go and wepwieve him, stwaight away. CENTURION (satisfied) Yes sir. Yes sir. PILATE Vewwy well. I shall welease Bwian!!! --- PARVUS Get a move on there. CHEEKY Or what? PARVUS Or you'll be in trouble! CHEEKY Oh dear. You mean I might have to give up being crucified in the afternoons? PARVUS Shut up! CHEEKY That would be a blow. Wouldn't it? I wouldn't have naffing to do! [whips him] Oh, thank you. --[The Centurion has run down to the prison.] CENTURION Have they gone? FANG W-we've got lumps of it round the back-k. CENTURION What? TOENAIL Oh, don't worry about him, sir. He's M. He's mmmmmmmmmmmmmm he's mad, sir. CENTURION Have they gone?!?! TOENAIL Oh, Ye.. nnnn.. Nuh. Nuh. Nuh. FANG Heheheh. TOENAIL Nnnnnnnn... CENTURION Oh, come on! [leaves] TOENAIL Nnnnnnnyes, sir. --[they turn to each other.] Anyway. Get on with the story. FANG Well, I knew she never really liked him, so I kiss-- --[At the PF HQ.] REG Right. That's the motion to get on with it, passed with, uh, one abstention. I now propose that we go without further ado. May I have a seconder for... FRANCIS Let's just go. REG Yeah, all right. --[They go.] --[Brian, feverish from the heat, staggers forward to see the crosses that are already up.] --[The centurion runs through the streets.] BEGGAR Bloody Romans! CENTURION Watch it! There's still a few crosses left. --[The prisoners are now being strung up.] PARVUS Up you go, Bignose! BIGNOSE I'll get you for this, you bastard. PARVUS Oh yeah? BIGNOSE Oh yeah. Don't worry. I never forget a face. PARVUS No? BIGNOSE I warn you, I'm going to punch you so hard, you Roman git! PARVUS Shut up, you Jewish turd. BIGNOSE Who are you calling Jewish? I'm not Jewish... I'm a Samaritan. GREGORY A Samaritan? This is supposed to be a Jewish section. PARVUS It doesn't matter... you're all going to die in a day or two. GREGORY It may not matter to you, Roman, but it certainly matters to us, doesn't it, darling? MRS. GREGORY Oh, rathER. GREGORY Under the terms of the Roman occupancy, we're entitled to be crucified in a purely Jewish area. PHARISEE Pharisees separate from Sadducees. WELSH MAN And Swedish separate from Welsh. VICTIMS Yeah... PARVUS All right, all right, all right. We'll soon settle this. Hands up all those who don't want to be crucified here. --[They can't move their arms] Right. NEXT! SAINTLY PASSER-BY Ah, look, it's not my cross. PARVUS What? SAINTLY PASSER-BY Um. It's not my cross. I was ah, holding it for someone. PARVUS Just lie down. I haven't got all day. SAINTLY PASSER-BY No, of course. Um, look. I hate to make a fuss... PARVUS Look. We've had a busy day. There's a hundred and forty of you lot to get up. GREGORY Is HE Jewish? PARVUS Will you be quiet! GREGORY We don't want any more Samaritans around here. PARVUS BELT UP! SAINTLY PASSER-BY Look, uh. Will you let me down if he comes back? PARVUS Yeah, yeah. We'll let you down. Next. BRIAN You don't have to do this. You don't have to take orders. PARVUS I like orders. --[As Brian gets put up, we see the PFJ (officials) walking through the streets.] CHEEKY See. Not so bad, once you're up. Yer being rescued then, are you? BRIAN It's a bit late for that now, isn't it? CHEEKY Oh, no, no. We've got a couple of days up here. Plenty of time. Lots of people get rescued. BRIAN Huh? CHEEKY Oh, yeah. My brother usually rescues me, if he can keep off the tail for more than twenty minutes. Huh. Randy little bugger... up and down like the Assyrian empire. (chuckles) --[The PFJ arrive.] Hello. Your family arrived then? BRIAN Reg. REG Hello, sibling Brian. BRIAN Thank God you've come, Reg. REG Aagh, yes well I think I should point out first, Brian, in all fairness that we are not in fact the rescue committee, however I have been asked to read the following prepared statement on behalf of the movement. We, the People's Front of Judea (brackets, officials, end brackets) do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian; on this, the occasion of your martyrdom. BRIAN WHAT?! REG Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parentland from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture, and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed on behalf of the PFJ, etc. And I would just like to add on a personal note my own admiration for what you are doing for us, Brian. And what must be, after all, for you, a very difficult time. BRIAN Reg! What are you going to do? REG Goodbye Brian, and thanks. --[They start walking away.] FRANCIS Well done, Brian. Keep it up, lad. LORETTA Terrific work, Brian. --[Once they've got a short way off, they stop, and take a vote.] REBEL Yeah, all right. REG Yeah. And... PFJ For he's a jolly good fellow, For he's a jolly good fellow, For he's a jolly good fellow, And so say all of us. LORETTA ... and so say all of... --[Reg nudges him to shut up, and they all start clapping.] BRIAN You bastards! You bastards! CENTURION Where is Brian of Nazareth? --[In his shouting, Brian can't hear him.] BRIAN You sanctimonious bastards. CENTURION I have an order for his release. BRIAN You stupid bastards! CHEEKY Uh, I'M Brian of Nazareth. BRIAN WHAT?!? CHEEKY Yeah. I-I'm Brian of Nazareth. CENTURION Take him down. BRIAN I'M Brian of Nazareth. OTHER I'm Brian. BIGNOSE I'm Brian. ALSO I'm Brian. BRIAN I'M Brian! VARIOUS I'm Brian. GREGORY I'm Brian and so's my wife. VICTIMS I'm Brian! CENTURION All right. Take him away, and release him. --[He gets taken down, and carried off.] CHEEKY Naah. I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No. I'm not Brian. No, leave... let go! I'm only pulling your leg. It's a joke! I'm not him, I'm just having you on. Put me back!!! No, let go!... --[A group of faux oriental-looking warriors come over a hill, led by their leader, King Otto. Care to venture a guess as to who they are? Yes, it's...] WORKER The Judean People's Front! PARVUS The Judean People's Front! OTTO Forward all! WORKERS Look out! The Judean People's Front! --[The JPF stop in front of Brian's cross.] OTTO Ve are the Judean People's Front! Crack suicide squad. Suicide Squad! Attack!!! --[drumroll] --[They all ceremonially whip out their weapons, open a hatch in their armor, and proceed to kill themselves.] OTTO Ungggghhh... that showed 'em, huh? BRIAN You silly sods. --[Enter Judith.] JUDITH Brian! Brian! Brian! Brian! BRIAN Judith! JUDITH Terrific, great! Reg has explained it all to me. I think it's great what you're doing. Thank you, Brian. I'll... I'll never forget you. --[By this stage, Brian has given up. Then, as Judith runs off, our screens are filled with a horrible face... Mrs. Cohen!] MANDY So... there you are. I might have known it would end up like this. To think of all the love and affection I've wasted on you. Well, if that's how you treat your poor old mother in the autumn years of her life, all I can say is go ahead. Be crucified. See if I care. I might have known it would end up like this... BRIAN {I really feel sorry for him. Don't you?} Mum! Mum! MANDY ...Sex, sex, sex. That's all young people are interested in nowadays. I don't know what the world's coming to... --[Brian looks like his heart has been crushed and shredded beyond any hope of repair. But just then, the man next to him turns and says...] ERIC M. FRISBEE II Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say. Some things in life are bad, They can really make you mad. Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle, Don't grumble, give a whistle! And this'll help things turn out for the best... And... (fades into a cheery song) ..Always look on the bright side of life... (whistle) Always look on the bright side of life... If life seems jolly rotten, There's something you've forgotten! And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing, When you're feeling in the dumps, Don't be silly chumps, Just purse your lips and whistle -- that's the thing! And... always look on the bright side of life... (whistle) Come on! (others start to join in) Always look on the bright side of life... (whistle) For life is quite absurd, And death's the final word. You must always face the curtain with a bow! Forget about your sin -- give the audience a grin, Enjoy it -- it's the last chance anyhow! So always look on the bright side of death! Just before you draw your terminal breath. Life's a piece of shit, When you look at it. Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true, You'll see it's all a show, Keep 'em laughing as you go. Just remember that the last laugh is on you! And always look on the bright side of life... (whistle) Always look on the right side of life... (whistle) (Come on, Brian... cheer up.) Always look on the bright side of life (whistle) Always look on the bright side of life (whistle) (Worse things happen at sea, you know.) Always look on the bright side of life (whistle) (I mean, what have you got to lose? You know. You come from nothing, you're going back to nothing, what have you lost? Nothing!) Always look on the bright side of life (whistle) (Nothing will come from nothing, you know what they say. Cheer up, you old bugger. Come on, give us a grin.) Always look on the bright side of life (whistle) (There you are. See? It's the end of the film. Incidentally, this record's available in the foyer.) Always look on the bright side of life (whistle) (Some of us have to live as well, you know. Who do you think pays for all this rubbish?) Always look on the bright side of life (whistle) (They'll never make their money back, you know. I told him, I said to him, Bernie, I said, they'll never make their money back.) Always look on... * * * * * * * * T H E E N D * * * * * * * * CAST (in order of appearance) WISE MAN #1 John Cleese WISE MAN #2 Graham Chapman WISE MAN #3 Michael Palin MANDY COHEN Terry Jones SINGER Sonia Jones JESUS CHRIST Ken Colley BRIAN COHEN Graham Chapman BIGNOSE Michael Palin MRS. BIGNOSE Gwen Taylor GREGORY Terence Bayler MRS. GREGORY Carol Cleveland CHEEKY Eric Idle RANDOM Charles McKeown SPORK Terry Gilliam JUDITH Sue Jones-Davis REG John Cleese STAN/LORETTA Eric Idle FRANCIS Michael Palin HARRY THE HAGGLER Eric Idle DONKEY OWNER Gwen Taylor MATTHIAS John Young LIMESTONE Bernard McKenna GRANITE Andrew MacLachlan THE ELDER PRALINE John Cleese MR. CINDY Carol Cleveland MR. STEPHANIE Eric Idle MR. VICTORIA Michael Palin EX-LEPER Michael Palin ANNOUNCER Michael Palin BORIS FEINBURG Neil Innes CENTURION John Cleese ROMAN SOLDIER STIG Charles McKeown FRANCIS Michael Palin DEADLY DIRK John Cleese WARRIS Eric Idle FANG Terry Gilliam BEN Michael Palin PONTIUS PILATE Michael Palin GUARD #1 Bernard McKenna GUARD #2 Andrew MacLachlan GUARD #3 Chris Langham GUARD #4 Charles McKeown EYEWITNESS Charles Knode DIRTY PROPHET Terry Gilliam FALSE PROPHET Charles McKeown BLANDLY ACCURATE PROPHET Michael Palin BURT John Case SERGEANT Bernard McKenna COLIN Terry Jones DENNIS Terence Bayler ELSIE Carol Cleveland EDDIE Michael Palin ARTHUR John Cleese FRANK Terry Gilliam MOUSE Gwen Taylor SNIPE Eric Idle SHOE FOLLOWER Michael Palin SPIKE Spike Milligan BLIND MAN Charles McKeown SIMON THE HOLY MAN Terry Jones ROOSTER Terry Jones MR. PAPADOPOULOS George Harrison BIGGUS DICKUS Graham Chapman NISUS WETTUS Michael Palin BOB HOSKINS Terry Jones TOENAIL Eric Idle PARVUS Bernard McKenna ALFONSO Chris Langham SAINTLY COLIN Terry Jones OTTO Eric Idle ERIC M. FRISBEE III Eric Idle If you have enjoyed this film, why not go and see "La Notte?"