Monty Pythonķs Fliegender Zirkus: The "Lost" 1972 Episode Original transcript by: Reddogmg@ix.netcom.com Formatted and edited by: Linus the Llama [linus@corplink.com.au] Open to: - A female presenter in front of a blue background Presenter: Our next program was written and performed by 6 young Englishmen. The title is "Monty Python's Flying Circus." The show first appeared on English television 2 years ago. Since then, 25 shows have been made for the BBC in London. However, tonight's show has been specially written, filmed and produced for German and Austrian television. <2 scuba divers come out of a lake in the background.> It's the first time an English comedy team has produced a show entirely for German television. The show lasts for 45 minutes, and was filmed in colour at Bavaria Film Studios in Munich. The young men who write the show all live in London. Four of them are married, and two of them have children. Their average age is 27. Two of them are over six foot... -=[SPLaSH!]=- Cut to: - A Gilliam animation sees two animated Pepperpots holding a picture of the lake. A man dressed as a conductor enters the room. Conductor: And now for something completely different. Cut to: - Series 3 style animated opening titles Cut to: - Road in the country. We see an Olympic runner holding a torch played by Terry Jones. Caption: Live from Athens. Cut to: - A painting of a man with long brown hair, and a moustache. Announcer: Albrecht Dører, 1471-1530, the Nuremberg painter who captivated Europe with his sharp eye, his mastery of line and texture, his car hire service... -=[BzzT!]=- Cut to: - a man behind a desk, played by John Cleese Man behind desk: We apologize for the inaccuracies that have crept into this portrait of Albrecht Dører. Dører NEVER operated a car hire service. Thank you. Cut back to drawing. Announcer: Dører drew his inspiration from his birthplace, Nuremberg. Portraits. Landscapes. The detail of nature. Social themes. Religious themes. But always present his fascination with the grotesque. To find out more about Dører the man as opposed to Dører the insect... Cut back to the man at desk. Man behind desk: Watch it! Cut to more drawings. Announcer: To find out what went on in the mind of this great artist, we spoke to a person in Sydney. Cut to: - a Bruce played by Michael Palin Bruce: I know as much about Dører as I know about a kangaroo's rectum. Well, a kangaroo's bum is a pretty tight little number, compared to other marsupials' bums. I personally prefer arse [BEEP]. Bum. [BEEP] Arse [BEEP] Arse [BEEP] Arse [BEEP] Bum. [BEEP] Arse [BEEP] Arse [BEEP] Bum [BEEP] Bum [BEEP] Bum [BEEP] Ahhh... Arse [BEEP] Bum [BEEP] Bum [BEEP] Arse. [BEEP] Cut back to man behind the desk. Man behind Desk: We apologize for the inappropriet style of their appraisal of Dører. We'll start again with an appreciation of his life and works, sung by Anita Eckberg. Cut to: - a colourful stage in which stands a cardboard cut-out (Sung to the tune of Dennis Moore / Robin Hood.) Cut-out figure (singing): Albrecht Dører, Albrecht Dører, Riding through the glen Albrecht Dører, Albrecht Dører, With his band of men Feared by the bad Loved by The good Albrecht Dører, Albrecht Dører... (repeat, etc.) Cut back to man behind the desk. Man Behind Desk: We apologize for the song about Dører. It's not being sung by Anita Eckberg, but by a man crouching behind Miss Eckberg. Cut back to the stage. Cut back to the drawing. Announcer: The appreciation compiled to celebrate the anniversary of Dører's birth has been abandoned. Instead we bring you Part 4 of THE MERCHANT OF VENICE. Caption: BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE. Starring: THE BAD ISCHL DAIRY HERD. Cow: What? Is Antonio here? Cows: At your service, your Grace. Cow: Call Shylock the Jew to court. Cows: He comes, my lord. Cow: I crave the law! The penalty and forfeit of my bond. Cut to: - The runner from the beginning, covered in bandages. Cut to: - a Gilliam cartoon. Cut to: - a Frenchman, dressed like a stock broker (Terry Jones). Frenchman: I've been a Frenchman all my life, and I've only once been to the lavatory. Cut to: - Another Frenchman (Michael Palin). Another Frenchman: Yes, I can vouch for this. I have papers here to show, that he is a frenchman and this certificate here, which says, that he has not been to the toilet *depuis cinq annes*. He has not been to the toilet for five years. Cut to: - a French priest (Graham Chapman). French Priest: Yes. It is true. He has not been to the toilet in 5 years. Cut to: - a French scholar (John Cleese) Cut to: - Charles De Gaulle voiced by Terry Jones. Cut to: - Mosche Dayan (Michael Palin.) Mosche: Truly mothers, he has not been for 5 years already. Cut to: - the Chancellor of West Germany, Willi Brandt (Terry Gilliam) Brant: As Chancellor of West Germany, I corroborate the statement that it is five years since he last went to the toilet. Cut to: - Richard Nixon (Michael Palin). Nixon: We the American people believe sincerely that he has not been to the menķs room for 5 years. Cut to: - Queen Elizebeth II (Terry Jones). Queen: In the five years that I have known him, he has, not once been to the toilet. Cut to: - a crowd. Crowd: 5 years? Cut to: - the Queen in a car. Queen: Yes, 5 years. Cut to: - a doctor (Graham Chapman). Caption: A FAMOUS BERLIN SCIENTIST Doctor: It's definitely five years since he's been to the toilet. Five blissful years which we spent together in idyllic happiness. Cut to: - a pasture (fuzzy, as in a flash back) Doctor: Each day there were so many exiting things to do. But I knew it could not last. It wasn't natural for doctor and patient to find such happiness in each other. Soon I felt the pull of my own kind calling me, beckoning me to return. I knew it would hurt him. But there was no other way. I was born a doctor, and will always be a doctor. Our joy was an illusion, a dream from which we had to awake. Farmer: I've been breeding doctors for 10 years now. I've a fine herd of obstetricians and short-horn gynaecologists. Although their milk yield is low they are ... Cut to: - the man behind the desk. Man: I'm glad to say we're returning to the profile of Dører which we abandoned earlier this evening. Alterations have been made, and certain people sacked. Ladies and gentlemen, we are proud to present THE LIFE AND TIMES OF ALBRECHT DŠRER. Cut to: - the painting. Announcer: Albrecht Dører, 1471-1530. The painter who captivated Europe with his sharp eye, his mastery of line and texture. Dører drew his inspiration from his birthplace, Nuremberg. Portraits. Cut to: - a drawing of a man. Cut to: - a hilly landscape. Announcer: Landscapes ... Cut to: - a castle. Announcer: ... the detail of nature ... Cut to: - a horse. Cut to: - a rhino. Cut to: - a ballroom. Announcer: ... social themes ... Cut to: - a drawing of three naked ladies. Cartoon person: Oohh! -=[BzzT!]=- Cut to: - a desk Man: Sorry. I've just heard what's happened. All I can say is I'm sorry. I wasn't watching this time. I was in the canteen having a bun, and somebody told me. I really do apologize. I suppose I ought to stop it, but I didn't see what happened. So I'll hope that it was a mistake made in good faith. So let's hope we can go back now to THE LIFE AND TIMES OF ALBRECHT DŠRER... Cut to: - a drawing of Mary nursing baby Jesus, surrounded by angels. Announcer: Religious themes ... Cut to: - a table with Jesus and the disciples at it. -=[BzzT! BzzT!]=- Cut to: - the man behind the desk, looking very angry. Man (shouting): THAT'S IT! STOP IT! I should have stopped it earlier. Sorry, sorry. Back to the programme. Cut back to the farmer. Farmer: ... short-horn gynaecologists. Although their milk yield is low. Cut back to the drawing. Announcer: Sorry about the interruptions. Cut back to the farmer. Farmer: ... doctors are much easier to muck out and they allow cows more time to spend in the hospitals. Cut to: - two cows, wearing white coats and doctor's hat thing, with stetho- scopes around their necks. Behind them is an ambulance. Cow 1: A ventricular valve is diseased. We must operate immediately. Cow 2: 'Tis true. Come, Antonio. Caption: THE MERCHANT OF VENICE END OF ACT 1. Cut to: - footage of a formal audience clapping. Cut to: - a theater critic, (Eric Idle) in the wings. Critic: It is always a joy to see a new interpretation of one of Shakespeare's works. But seldom do we find something so refreshingly original as this production by the Cows of Bad Ischl. The Merchant of Venice has always been a difficult play for animals. I remember three years ago some chickens from Kaiserskauten trying it and failing miserably. But these cows have avoided the pitfalls that the chickens fell into. They haven t tried to dress up. They haven't tried to make it into an allegory about eggs. And they din't run away all the time. I loved it. I can't wait to see these fine dairy cows get to grips with Wagner at Bayreuth next week. Cut to: - a castle. Spooky music. Dracula: Ladies and gentlemen, we present the Doctor's Version of THE MERCHANT OF VENICE. Cut to: - 2 doctors (Graham Chapman and Terry Jones). Doctor 1: Noble Antonio, how is it with you? Doctor 2: I'm suffering from inflammation of the alimentary tract... Man: For those who turned in hoping to see The Life And Times Of Albrecht Dører, we regret that although two attempts were made to show it, both were abandoned. No more attempts will be made. Doctor 2: ... perforations of the bronchial tubes could lead to pulmonary... Caption: ENDE. Woman: Get off! Get off! And you with that trick camera. Get lost! Get lost! Thereķs a man outside with a trick camera, and he won't go away! Man: Really? Man: Get lost! Cut to: - a deep dark forest. Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a deep dark forest. In this forest there was a little house. Cut to: - a woodcutter (Graham Chapman) sawing a piece of wood with his wife (Eric Idle). In this house lived a humble woodcutter and his wife and their pretty daughter Little Red Riding Hood. Cut to: - Little Red Riding Hood (John Cleese) breaking wood over her knee. Cut to: - the middle of the deep dark forest where a puppy dog with a wooly skin tied to it sits. In the middle of this deep dark forest lived a vicious wolf. One day, Little Red Riding Hood went to take some things to her old Grandmother who lived deep in the forest. The vicious wolf saw Little Red Riding Hood and said... "She looks good to eat. Where are you going, pretty one?" "Kind sir, to my Grandmother's." "Ha, ha, ha!" smirked the wicked wolf, and dashed off to Grandmother's house. Knock, knock went the wicked wolf - the door opened wide. It wasn't Grandmother, it was Buzz Aldrin ... America's Number Two Spaceman! For this wasn't Granny's house, but the headquarters of NASA, the American space research agency. The wicked wolf was shot by security guards... ... the American space program carried on, unmolested by wolves and other forest animals intent on damaging American prestige ... ... at a time when development of inter-space communications is of vital strategic and political significance in the free world. Cut to: - Little Red walking through the forest. Narrator: Little Red Riding Hood had her arms so full of flowers she didn't notice the approach of Heinz the Stuttgart Rapist. Poor Heinz, with his bad eyes. Already he had assaulted seven pine trees that morning. How pleased he was to find something that moved. Poor Heinz. But soon all the other rapists in the forest heard of his plight and came from near and far to cut him down. Cut to: - another section of the forest. So all was quiet in the forest again. The humble woodcutter and his wife sold their story to Der Spiegel for 40,000 DM. NASA agreed to limit the use of chemical propellants in unmanned launchings from Granny's house. Cut to: - an aeroplane. Little Red Riding Hood became Telefunken's sales rep to the United Arab Republic, where she lives in Cairo's El Akra district. Dirty Man: Dirty postcards? Little Red Riding Hood: No, thank you. DM: Dirty Socks? Dirty underpants? LRRH: No, no... DM: Dirty wood engravings? LRRH: No. DM: Dirty engravings? LRRH: NO. DM: Picture of Albrcht Dører? LRRH: What? Cut to: - the picture of Albrecht Dører wearing an Arabic head dress. Announcer: Albrecht Dører. 1471-1530. Wadi el Misbih, Dører's birthplace. Its influence can be seen in all his works. Portraits. Landscapes. The detail of nature. All very clean, all very cheap. Cut back to DM and LRRH. LRRH: No, no thank you. Cut to: - the Olympic runner, the hitchhiker frying eggs on his torch. The torch burns out, and the hitchhiker gives the runner the eggs. He walks off into the forest, and puts on his glasses. He sets up a tent in frenetic, speeded-up motion. Cut to the Olympic sign. Caption: MUNICH 1972 Announcer: Hello sport lovers. We're here on this beautiful morning at the 27th Silly Olympiad. First, at the high point of the day, the 100 meters for men with no sense of direction. Olasen, the Silly Swedish Gold Medallist, is in the rear lane. Cut to another field. And now the next final, the 5000 meters for the deaf. Cut to a swimming pool. Now the 2000 meters breaststroke for non-swimmers. We'll be bringing you back here when they fish out the corpses. Now over to the sign of the marathon for incontinent people. There's an enormous entry this year: 44 competitors from 29 countries, all with weak bladders, ready for the world's longest race and just aching to go! Cut back to the 5000 meters for the deaf. A second start for the deaf. Cut to a woman jumping. Cut to: - a bunch of men acting like chickens. And here's the 3000 meters for men who think they're chickens. It's been a slow race so far. This is the third day, we expect a result in 5 weeks. One snag has been that Abe Seagl, the Canadian champion spotted some corn and they've been pecking away ever since. The British hope, Martin Anthill, started well, but has now settled on the waterjump. Cut back to the deaf race. Although the starter at the 5000 meters has tried machine gun, cannon, nothing will get these men moving. Now he's going to show them. The marathon incontinents are on the road, led by Ian McKellan. No, Sven Bordlander. No, Kwame N'Boko. No, Manuel Gonzales. No, Ferenc Kocsis. We leave this event to see the finish of the 1500 meters for people and their mothers. Cut to: - a racetrack filled with racers, and their mothers. And in the last 200 meters, Lungis and his mother are at the back because she had to go shopping. Pirelli's mother took her shoes off, her feet were killing her. The hammer that has just landed came from the Throwing the Hammer at America event. Announcer: Albrecht Dører, 1471-1530, the Nuremberg cowpuncher and deputy sherif of Dodge City. [BEEP!] Cut again to the man behind the desk. Man: Stop that! I've already said that there'll be no further attempts to do a LIFE AND TIMES OF ALBRECHT DŠRER. That's been totally abandoned. Now let's have some proper entertainment, like a panel game. Cut to: - the Western background where a quiz show host (John Cleese) and his contestant (Michael Palin). Host: Good evening, and welcome to Stake Your Claim. Cut back to the man behind the desk. Man behind desk: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Forget about this Western scene! Cut back to the western scene. Program Manager-Type: That sign's wrong. Do it in the studio. That's better. Host: Good evening and welcome to Stake Your Claim. Stage Manager: Carry on. Host: Good evening and welcome to Stake Your Claim. First we have with us Mr. Schultz, who claims he wrote all of Shakespeareķs works. Mr. Schultz: That's correct. I wrote all his plays, and my wife and I wrote his sonnets. Host: Mr. Schultz, these plays are known to have been performed in the early 17th century. How old are you? Mr. Schultz: 43. Host: Well, how could you have written plays performed over 300 years before you were born? Mr. Schultz: That is where my claim falls down. Host: A-ha! Mr. Schultz: There's no way of answering that argument. I was hoping you wouldn't make that point. But you're more than a match for me. Host: Thank you for coming along. Mr. Schultz: My pleasure. Host: Next we have Mr. Hase who claims to have built the Taj Mahal. Mr. Hase (Terry Jones): Uh, no, no. Host: Sorry? Mr. Hase: No. Host: I thought you claimed to-- Mr. Hase: Yes, I did, but I can see I won't last a minute with you. Host: Next. Mr. Hase: I was right! Host: ... we have Mrs. Mund, from Peeneberg, who claims ... What *is* your claim? Mrs. Mund (Graham Chapman): That I can burrow through an elephant. Host: You've changed your claim - you know we haven't got an elephant. Mrs. Mund: Oh, haven't you? Oh, dear! Host: You're not fooling anyone - in your letter you clearly claim you could be thrown off Schwangau Castle and be buried. Mrs. Mund: No, you can't read my writing. Host: It's typed! Mrs. Mund: It says "elephant!" Host (screaming): This is an entertainment show, and I'm not prepared to sit here bickering!! Host: A round of applause for Mrs. Mund! Cut back to the studio Mr. Schultz: Excuse me. Host: What? Mr. Schultz: I'm Catherine the Great. Host: The programme's over. Mr. Schultz: I can kill bats with an egg whisk. Host: Sorry. Mr. Schultz: All right, then I claim, I only wrote Act 1 of HAMLET and not the rest. Host: Go away. Mr. Schultz: What? Host: I told you to go away, you uninteresting person. Mr. Schultz: I didn't want to be on your stupid panel game you know. Host: Oh no? Mr. Schultz: No. I wanted to be ... a lumberjack! Cut to: - a forest setting. Yes a lumberjack, leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of the South Tyrol. The giant redwood, the larch, the fir, the mighty Scots pine. The smell of fresh cut timber. The crash of the mighty trees. With my best girl by my side! And we'd sing, sing, sing! Schultz: I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK I sleep all night and I work all day Mounties: He's a lumberjack and he's OK He sleeps all night and he works all day Schultz: I cut down trees I eat my lunch I go to the lavatory On Wednesday I go shopping And have buttered scones for tea Mounties: He cuts down trees he eats his lunch He goes to the lavatory On Wednesdays he goes shopping and has buttered scones for tea He's a lumberjack and he's OK He sleeps all night and he works all day Schultz: I cut down trees I skip and jump I like to press wild flowers I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars Mounties: He cuts down trees he skips and jumps He likes to press wild flowers He puts on women's clothing and hangs around in bars??? He's a lumberjack and he's OK He sleeps all night and he works all day Schultz: I cut down trees I wear high heels Suspenders and a bra I wish I'd been a girlie Just like my dear Papa Mounties: He cuts down trees He wears high heels Suspenders and a bra??? Spoken ruggedly: That's shocking. Thatķs rude. Mr. Schultz: I wish I'd been a girlie just like my dear Papa His Girlie: Oh, Franz! I thought you were so rugged! Voice over: Dear sir, I wish to complain in the strongest terms about the sketch about a lumberjack dressing as a lady. I have known many lumberjacks, and only 70% were transvestites. The others formed relationships with farm animals in the usual way. I also knew 2 weight lifters who dressed as kangaroos and then performed intimate acts on a trampoline. How long must society tolerate this pseudo-marsupial behavior? Yours faithfully, Col. Heinrich von Wallaby. (Mrs.) Photographer: Hold still. Thank you. Cut to: - a bride & groom. Hold still. -[SNAP!]- Thank you. Hold still. -[SNAP!]- Thank you. Cut to: - a live-action restaurant. Waiter: Good day, madam. Good day, sir. Man: We want to eat, please. Waiter: Wonderful! A thousand welcomes to the Golden Post. Man: Ah. We hear that this is a restaurant that's typical of Bavaria and full of local colour. Waiter: Indeed, sir. This is truly a typical Bavarian restaurant. The food, the wine, above all the service, is traditional beyond good and evil. Man: What is "beyond good and evil?" Waiter: It is wonderful! Man: Good. This is what we're looking for, dear. Waiter: May we take your coats? Man: Oh, thank you! Traditional Men: We're taking your coats in Bavaria. Yes, in Bavaria, where the mountains stick out of the ground. Woman: Wonderful! Beautiful! Waiter: Yes, we're proud that we have more traditions than any other restaurant in Germany. Now, here is your table. And now ... the sitting down of the Americans. Traditional Men: They're sitting down in Bavaria. Yes, in Bavaria, where the trees are made of wood. Man: This is fantastic! Waiter: There is even better to come, Daddy-o! Woman: Wonderful. Waiter: And now, the traditional bringing of the menus. Menu Retriever: We're presenting you with the ceremonial menus in Bavaria. Yes, in Bavaria, where the sheep seldom wear spectacles. Enjoy your meal. We have given them the menus in Bavaria. Yes, in Bavaria, and not in Venezuela! Waiter: You're all right? Man: Oh, uh, uh, yes fine. Waiter: They didn't hit you too hard? Man: Oh, no, no, no. Waiter: Only it is very traditional. I'm sure you'd like everything to be authentic. Man: Oh, yes! Woman: Just wait till we tell them back home! Waiter: A blessing. Traditional Men: He's made them damp in Bavaria. Yes in Bavaria, and scared them SH*TLESS! Waiter: Now you must order. Man: Could you recommend something? Waiter: With pleasure! Well, to begin with I would try Soup a la Clown. Woman: What is a la Clown? Waiter: Right in the mush. Man: Fine! Waiter: Next, for monsieur, I recommend Prawns Down the Shirt and Wine Sauce and Dill. Uh-huh? And, for madam, I think the same thing, but up the skirt with cream. Woman: Cream? Man: Yes. Woman: Please. Waiter: And for a main course, I would suggest that monsieur is thrown out of the window with a few sautČ potatoes? Man: Wonderful! Woman: And for me? Waiter: For you, I think you should be strapped to the table and beaten about the head with a chicken. Woman: Okay! Waiter: And to go with all this, an ice cold bucket of pig's water. Soup a la Clown. Enjoy your meal! Quick, the towels! Down the shirt for monsieur. And for madam, with cream. Woman: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Waiter: Pigs water. Ice cold. And now, through the window here. And for madam, the chicken-beating! SautČ potatoes. And the bill, sir. Cut to: - an important looking man walking down the stairs. Cut to: - an animation of two men carrying it. Announcer: They started writing at Oxford and Cambridge and throughout the years have contributed to many British comedy shows. But this is the first time they've all got together to write for German and Austrian television. I hope you enjoyed it. And now, Albrecht Dører. © Python (Monty) Pictures.