The Martin Luther Sketch Transcribed by Sir Gray a.k.a. Scott D. McGinnis. ********** Note: The words to this sketch were transcribed from the official book of the film: Monty Python's Meaning of Life. This seqment did not appear in the original cinematic release of the film, nor is it available on video. There are several still photos in the book, which give the impression that the scene was shot, but excluded upon release. It appears at the end of the section, The Miracle of Birth, Part 2, The Third World, immediately following the conversation between Mr. and Mrs Blackitt (about condoms). Finally, the first part of the sketch, in the book, is a graphic which may not have appeared in the film, but I have included for the sake of consistancy. ********** Graphic: The Adventures of Martin Luther in Reform-O-Scope presented by The Protestant Film Marketing Board in association with Sol. C. Ziegler, Andy Rotbeiner and the people of Beirut GERMANY in the grip of the 16th century An exciting and controversial examination of the Protestant reformer whose re-assessment of the role of the individual in Christian belief shook the foundation of a post-feudal Germany in the grip of the 16th century. It was a day much like any other in the quite little town of Wittenburg. Mamie Meyer was preparing fat for the evening meal when the full force of the Reformation struck. [A woman and two rather plain daughters are sitting outside their house with bowls. A man arrives breathless.] Hymie (Palin): Mamie! Marin Luther's out! [Consternation amoung womanfolk.] Mamie (Chapman): Oh! Martin Luther! [She hurries her daughters inside.] Did you get the suet Hymie? Hymie: Oy vay - the suet I clean forgot! Mamie: The suet you forgot! Hymie: The lard, the fish oil, the butter fat, the dripping, the wool grease I remember...(hands over the shopping)...but the suet...oy vay... Mamie: (pointing to his head) So what d'you keep up there? Adipose tissue? Hymie: Girls, girls! Your father forgot the suet! [Groans from the girls inside.] [Martin Luther is at the gate. His ears prick up at the female voices. His eyes flick from side to side.] Hymie: Hello Martin. Martin Luther (Jones): Where's the John? Hymie: We don't have one. Martin: No John? what'd you do? Hymie: We eat fat. Martin: And what stops you going to the John? Hymie: Its a theory. Martin: But does it work? Hymie: We ain't got no John. Martin: Yeah, but you'd need to go. Hymie: You know how it is with theories - some days its fine...maybe one, two...three days...and then just when it looks like you're ready for to publish...(Expression of resignation and disgust.)...Whoosh! You need a new kitchen floor. Martin: Oh you should be so lucky! [A girl's laugh from inside. Martin looks up - alert.] Martin: Do you need any cleaning inside? Hymie: Oh no...today it's all going fine. Martin: Oh well, how's about showing me the cutlery? Hymie: Martin - I got woman and children in there. Martin: So's there no problem...I just look at a few spoons...and... [Martin Luther starts to go in. Hymie stops him.] Hymie: I got two girls in there, Martin...you know what I mean. Martin: Honest! I don't look at the girls! I don't think about them! I put them out of my mind! Their arms, their necks...their little legs...and bosoms...I *wipe* from my mind. Hymie: You just want to see the spoons? Martin: My life! That's what I want to see. Hymie: I know I'm going to regret this. Martin: No, listen! Cutlery is really my thing now. Girls with round breasts is over for me. Hymie: What am I doing? I know what's going to happen. Martin: I'll crouch behind you. [He goes in. Martin Luther follows, crouching] Hymie: Mamie! Guess who's come to see us. Mamie: Hymie! Are you out of your mind already? You know how old your daughters are? Hymie: He only wants to see the spoons. Mamie: What you have to bring him into my house for? Hymie: Mamie, he doesn't think about girls anymore. Martin: Mrs. Meyer as far as girls is concerned, I shot my wad! Mamie: You shot your *wad*? Martin: Def - in - ately.... [Pause] Mamie: Which spoons you wanna view? Martin: Eh...(shrugs)...I guess the soup spoons... Mamie: (suddenly interested) Ah! Now they're good spoons.Martin: You got them arranged? Mamie: No, but I could arrange them for you. Martin: Don't put yourself to no bother, Mrs. Meyer. Mamie: It's no bother...I want for you to see those spoons like I would want to see them myself. Martin: Oh you're too kind, Mrs Meyer...You could get your daughters to show me them... Mamie: Hymie get him out of here. Hymie: Mamie, he only said for Myrtle and Audrey to show him the *spoons*. Mamie: Like you think I run some kind of bordello here... Martin: Mrs. Meyer! How can you say such a thing? Mamie: Listen Martin Luther! I know what you want to do to my girls! Martin: Show me the spoons... Mamie: You want them to pull up their skirts and then lean over the chair with their legs apart... Hymie: Mamie don't get excited... Mamie: I'm getting excited? It's him that's getting excited! Martin: My mind is on spoons. Mamie: But you can't stop thinking of those little girls over the chairs. [Luther is struggling with himself] Hymie: I got to go to the bathroom. Mamie: (grabs him) Hymie! I'm a married woman! Hymie: So...just show him the spoons. [Hymie goes.] Mamie: And you don't want to put nothing up me? Martin: Mrs. Meyer - you read my mind. Mamie: Oh... [They go out discreetly.] But despite the efforts of the Protestants to promote the idea of sex for pleasure, children continued to multiply everywhere...