Monty Python's "How not to be seen" from Series 2, Show 11 of MPFC.


[Cut to a wide-angle shot of hedgerows, fields and trees.]

Voice Over (John): In this picture there are forty people.  None of them 
     can be seen.  In this film we hope to show you how not to be seen.

[Caption: 'HM GOVERNMENT, PUBLIC SERVICE FILM NO. 42 PARA 6. "HOW NOT 
     TO BE SEEN"']

Voice Over: This is Mr E. R. Bradshaw, of Napier Court, Black Lion 
     Road, SE5.  He cannot be seen.  Now I'm going to ask him to stand 
     up.  Mr Bradshaw will you stand up please?

[In the middle distance a smiling holidaymaker in braces, collarless 
     shirt and hankie, stands up.  There is a pause.  Only the sound of 
     the wind.  Then a loud gunshot rings out.  Mr Bradshaw crumples to 
     the ground.]

Voice Over: This demonstrates the value of not being seen.

[Cut to another location - this time an empty stretch of scrubland.]

Voice Over: In this picture we cannot see Mrs B. J. Smegma of 13, The 
     Crescent, Belmont.  Mrs Smegma will you stand up please.

[There is a pause.  Almost on the edge of frame in the distance a 
     pepperpot stands up, proudly.  Immediately a shot rings out and she 
     leaps in the air and dies.  Cut to a bush some distance away on open 
     land.]

Voice Over: This is Mr Nesbitt of Harlow New Town.  Mr Nesbitt would 
     you stand up please [nothing happens].  Mr Nesbitt has learnt the 
     first lesson of not being seen - not to stand up.  However, he has 
     chosen a very obvious piece of cover. [the bush explodes; cut to a 
     shot of three bushes]  Mr E. V. Lambert, of 'Homeleigh', The Burrows, 
     Oswestry, has presented us with a poser.  We do not know which bush 
     he is behind, but we can soon find out. [the left-hand bush 
     explodes, then the right-hand bush; finally the middle bush explodes; 
     there is a muffled scream; the smoke subsides]  Yes, it was the 
     middle one.

[Cut to shot of farmland.  There is a waterbutt, a low wall, a big 
     pile of leaves, a bushy tree, a parked car and lots of bushes and 
     trees in the distance.]

Voice Over: Mr Ken Andrews, of Leighton Road, Slough, has concealed 
     himself extremely well.  He could be almost anywhere.  He could be 
     behind the wall, inside the water barrel, beneath a pile of leaves, 
     up in the tree, squatting down behind the car, concealed in a hollow, 
     or crouched behind any one of a hundred bushes.  However, we happen 
     to know he's in the water barrel.

[The water barrel just blows apart in the biggest explosion yet.  
     Cut to a panning shot from beach huts across the beach and sea.]

Voice Over: Mr and Mrs Watson of 'Ivy Cottage', Worplesdon Road,
     Hull, chose a very cunning way of not being seen.  When we called at 
     their house, we found they had gone away on two weeks' holiday.  They 
     had not left any forwarding address, and they had bolted and barred 
     the house to prevent us getting in.  However, a neighbour told us 
     where they were.

[The camera has come to rest on a very obvious isolated beach hut; it 
     blows up.  Cut to a building site in a suburban housing estate.  
     There is a gumby standing there.]

Voice Over: And here is the neighbour who told us where they were ... 
     [he blows up] Nobody likes a clever dick. [cut to stock film of a 
     small house] And this is where he lived. [it blows up] And this is 
     where Lord Langdon lived who refused to speak to us. [it blows up] 
     and so did the gentlemen who lived here ... [shot of house: it blows 
     up] ... and here ... [ditto] and of course here ... [series of quick 
     cuts of various atom bombs and hydrogen bombs at the moment of impact] 
     and Manchester and the West Midlands, Spain, China ... [mad laugh]