Yet another Rutland Weekend Pictosketch

"And now, Floodlit Rugby League."

Arthur Sutcliffe has a problem.    Ashamed to talk about it, uncertain about what to do,    he has no one to turn to for advice.    For Arthur Sutcliffe is normal.

Although there are millions like him who suffer the grave social disability of being extremely normal, society does not allow them to talk freely about their problem.

When did you first find out that you were ... normal?

I suppose it was at school. None of the other kids would laugh at me or beat me up

I see. What did you do about it?

At first, nothing. I thought everybody was normal. And then I realised there were all these minority groups and I... I couldn't join any of them because I was... normal.

Why didn't you tell your parents?

I was ashamed.

.

Arthur Sutcliffe is not of course his real name.

Well Arthur is, but not the Sutcliffe bit.

My idea, that. Sutcliffe. Such a nice name, it's much better than Jones.

. This problem of Arthur Sutcliffe's is not unique.

Reginald Bradley is a consultant psychiatrist.

Yes, I am, I am a consultant psychiatrist. Good evening everybody.

Good evening.

I did say I was a consultant psychiatrist?

Yes, yes you did.

Oh, good, good, because I am a fully qualified consultant psychiatrist. None of this 'not really being a doctor' business, you know.

No, quite. Well, perhaps you could tell us something about the problem.

Well it's not really a problem. I became a consultant psychiatrist because I didn't want to be an ordinary doctor.

No no no, could you tell us about Arthur's problem?

What, as a consultant psychiatrist? Yes.

Oh no, I'd have to read up on it first.

Mrs. ah, ...

...Sutcliffe...

...you're Arthur Jones' wife.

Arthur SUTCLIFFE's wife!

Yes. Was it tremendous shock to you?

Oh, yes. When I married him, I thought he was a poof. And then one day, he confessed: he was normal.

And.....?

I've decided to stick by him.

Two people who can't forgive him, are of course, his parents, Henry and Veronica...

...Sutcliffe.

We spoke to them in their home in Reigate.

We can't understand it! We gave that girl...

Boy, dear.

We gave that thing everything it could possibly need as an ant. Child. Including jam!

Yeah! We gave it jam, we did! We gave it jam!

Yep! What kind of jam? Pernod jam... Hand jam!

Ice cream with onions... we gave it everything a little darkie could need!

Yeah, I used to lock him up in dark cupboards, only for his own good.. but no, he had to grow up normal. Typical!

Ungrateful sod! I won't let him back in the rabbit hutch. House! No!!

My parents did their best for me. Gave me a bad home, apalling education, and a perfectly miserable childhood. But I was destined to be normal. In Arthur's case, the solution was simple.

I decided to accept the fact. I... came out as a normal.

What happened? At first, people were shocked. I got abusive letters. Somebody sent me the Daily Telegraph through the post.

But instead of going to the police, I accepted it. Got a Barclaycard... later on, I learned to watch Des O'Conner in the company of other adult normals, I went to straight pubs, and people would come home with me and we'd sit about, not touching, having quite a nice time.

Well, who's to blame? Perhaps all of us, deep down, really are normal. Is society to blame? Or even education?

Or maybe we could blame the little man from the Off License! He's small, couldn't do much about it.

That's it, we'll blame him!

Why me? Yes, this little man from the Off License is to blame.

No I'm not! He's also to blame for all the unfair divisions in society...

I'm not! ... for the fact that some people are much wealthier than others...

It's not my fault! ...and that Leicester City never won the FA Cup.

You can't blame me for that!

Are you the man from the Off License? Yes.

You're to blame for everything. Come with me.

Man from the Off License: you are apparently to blame for fascism, racial prejudice...

...Any Questions, crime in society and the unfair distribution of wealth.

I'm not!

Be quiet.

Call Leicester City Football Club.

‘Ello!

You are Leicester City Football Club?

We are! Why didn't you win the FA Cup?

He's to blame!

Oh, what a lie!

And so, mainly on the overwhelming evidence of the Leicester City Football Club, the man from the Off License was to blame for all the ills in society, and was subsequently taken away and hanged.

After he'd gone, things showed a marked improvement. People were much nicer to each other,

and extremely rich people gave away most of their wealth to the poor. So the man from the Off License was to blame after all.

Toldja!

And his wicked Off License shop was finally shut down.

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