THE MEANING OF LIFE
by
MONTY PYTHON
(c) The Monty Python Partnership,
March, 1982.
1 UNDERWATER IN FISH TANK DAY STUDIO/PROCESS 1
BUBBLES. SEAWEED. EDDYING WATER. MARINE DETRITIUS.
THE FLOTSAM AND JETSAM OF THE AQUATIC WORLD (BACKED BY RICH
NELSON SCORE).
Into vision swims ONE OF US dressed as a FISH. (In fact ALL
SIX OF US are dresses as FISH and are suspended from wires
(unseen).
A SECOND PYTHON, piscatorially attired, swims into view.
PYTHON FISH I
Morning.
PYTHON FISH II
Morning.
PYTHON FISH I and PYTHON FISH II tread water. PYTHON FISH III
appears.
PYTHON FISH III
Morning.
PYTHON FISH I
Morning.
PYTHON FISH II
Morning.
PYTHON FISH IV appears after a pause.
PYTHON FISH IV
Morning.
PYTHON FISH III
Morning.
PYTHON FISH I
Morning.
PYTHON FISH II
Morning.
PYTHON FISH IV
... What's new?
PYTHON FISH V and PYTHON FISH VI arrive during the consequent
pause.
PYTHON FISH V & VI
Morning.
THE OTHERS
Morning, morning.
PYTHON FISH I
Frank was just asking what's new.
PYTHON FISH V
Was he?
PYTHON FISH I
Uh huh ...
PYTHON FISH III
Howard's being eaten.
ALL
... Is he?
They move forward.
PYTHON FISH III
Table V.
At table V a large CREOSOTISH MAN is eating a large grilled
fish.
CUT BACK to the FISH.
Long pause.
PYTHON FISH II
Makes you think doesn't it?
Pause.
PYTHON FISH IV
... I mean ... what's it all about?
Pause.
PYTHON FISH V
Beats me.
Loud Chord!
2 TITLES: THE MEANING OF LIFE 2
by Monty Python
Over this:
TITLE SONG: THE MEANING OF LIFE
Why are we here, what is life all about?
Is God really Real, or is there some doubt?
For the next ninety minutes we'll sort it all out
For tonight it's the Meaning of Life.
What's the point of it all? or is it a hoax?
Is it chicken and egg time, or are we just yolks?
Or perhaps we're just one of God's little jokes,
Well this is the Meaning of Life.
Is life justa game where we make up the rules
While we're searching for something to say.
Or are we just simply spiralling coils
Of self replicating DNA?
Is there life after death, oh what is our fate?
Is there Heaven and Hell? Do we reincarnate?
Is mankind evolving or is it too late?
Well tonight is the Meaning of Life.
For millions this life is a sad veil of tears
While the cynical think it's just funny
But tonight we've sorted the whole damn thing out
And we've even used Hollywood money.
So just who we are and why we are here
Tonight for a change will all be made clear
So sit back and relex and lend us an ear
For this is the Meaning of Life.
CUT TO
3 EXT. SAVAGE LANDSCAPE DAY SPECIAL EFFECTS STUDIO 3
A SAVAGE ORANGE LANDSCAPE with rushing winds and sands and
whistling howling effects. Strange sounds emanate from the
earth. A very Kubrick/ Ken Russell world. A BAND OF ODD
CREATURES are gazing at the horizon, glowing red in the glow
of a vast red giant of a sun, that takes up sixty per cent of
their horizon. It glowers and grumbles, flickering tongues
of flame, bursting away and arcing into space.
A space-like CHOIR can be heard. A feeling of awe and
impending doom.
VOICE OVER
On a far distant planet, far away in
time and space a small band of semi-
intelligent, half-evolved, nitrogen
breathing fish like creatures help-
lessly await the approach of a nearby
dying star. Swollen into a vast red
giant, a once mighty sun its nuclear
core spent, approaches them as it
cools, vapourising its inner planets
and threatening them with extinction ...
Poss. have v. dramatic moment with another sun approaching.
Just before it reaches earth, as the APE-LIKE CREATURES turn
and react
CUT TO
4 INT. TELEVISION STUDIO SET DAY STUDIO 4
KENNETH KENDALL appears on the screen sitting at a desk.
KENNETH KENDALL
Hallo. My name's Kenneth Kendall.
Some of you may know me from reading
the Nine O'Clock News on BBC television,
but today I'm here in a very different
role. On behalf of the producers of
audiences that there is a quite rude bit
coming up in the film soon. This is
not the first time that there have been
rude bits in Monty Python Films, but
previously these rude bits have been
sprung on the audience without any
prior advance or warning.
It is to avoid this situation, with all
its concomitant embarrassment and mis-
understanding, from happening again
that I have been asked to offer these
few words of explanation. The rude bit
in question is a fully exposed frontal
view of the male genitalia. The
producers have asked me specially to say
that the genitalia in question will not
be suggestively exposed, or indeed seen
in any state of sexual arousal. They
merely will be hanging from the body of
an adult male, in the normal place, as a
doctor explains.
4a CUT TO talking head of DOCTOR. 4a
CAPTION: A DOCTOR.
DOCTOR
Hello... I have already seen the rude
bit which is soon to occur in this film.
As far as I am concerned, the scene in
question contains a fair, honest and
unsensational representation of the penis
and testicles of an average, Caucasian
adult male. There is nothing abnormal
about the size of the penis or, as
Kenneth Kendall has already pointed out,
anything to suggest that the member is
swollen or enlarged as a result of any
external physical stimuli. Thank you.
4b CUT TO KENNETH KENDALL 4b
KENNETH KENDALL
Thank you. The producers of this
film want to make it clear that they
accept that this is the kind of controvertial
scene is a matter for public concern
because of the possible effect it could
have on individual members of the
audience. I have with me Professor
Faulkner of Psychology Department of
Manchester University. Professor do
you think there is a danger that certain
individuals may be harmed by what they're
about to see.
PROFESSOR FAULKNER
I really don't think so, Ken, no. I
think the average person will be quite
unaffected by the excerpt.
KENNETH KENDALL
You've seen it?
PROFESSOR FAULKNER
Yes I have, Ken. I couldn't condemn
it personally.
KENNETH KENDALL
It might be acceptable for the average
person but what about those less stable
individuals. Is there a danger there?
PROFESSOR FAULKNER
Well let's face it Ken I can't guarantee
that somebody isn't going to become com-
pletely deranged by the sight of this...
organ but that's one in a million and
such a person would have a long history
of mental illness and would almost
certainly be already receiving treatment.
But for everyone else, perfectly harmless.
KENNETH KENDALL
Perhaps almost a kind of public service?
PROFESSOR FAULKNER
I wouldn't go as far as that, Ken, no.
But there could be individual cases
where it could help.
KENNETH KENDALL
Well there are two expert views on the
scene that is coming up. But although
medical and psychological opinion does
seem to regard the rude bit as acceptable
there are of course moral questions to be
answered. Should a cinema audience,
in which there may be children hiding,
be subjected to the sight of all the
male genitatia, well-lit and in
comparative close-up, facing them on
the screen for about four seconds.
(he turns)
Your graces.
We see THREE BISHOPS.
What's the church's position of this?
LEICESTER
Can I just say first that I think
there's a danger that we may be getting
this whole thing out of proportion.
BRISTOL & DURHAM
Hear hear.
LEICESTER
After all we all have male parts, apart
from woman, and I'm sure our Lord
himself had some so...
(he looks to Durham)
DURHAM
I can't see that there is anything
morally wrong with the depiction of
male, and I would almost go so far as
to say, female, genitalia - provided
of course there is no exidence of
exploitation of these perfectly
acceptable part of the body for
humorous or erotic purposes. I haven't
seen the clip but I'm assured that
this is not the case.
KENNETH KENDALL
Well now you've heard all sides of the
arguement. So it reamins only for me
once again to warn those of you who may
be offended or disturbed by the view of
the genitalia that a clock will appear
at the bottom left hand corner of the
screen 20 seconds prior to the exact
moment of exposure of the penis and
testicles. Thank you. And I sincerely
hope this will not spoil your enjoyment
of what I feel is the very significant
statement that the Monty Python team
wish to make. Ladies and gentlemen
The Meaning Of Life...
CUT TO
5 ANIMATED CAPTION CARD 5
Another simple, elegant, not to say impressive CAPTION CARD,
TITLE, or a very brief ANIMATED SEQUENCE, reading:
THE MEANING OF LIFE
Part I: The Miracle of Birth
CUT TO
6 INT. BEDROOM SUBURBAN HOUSE DAY LOCATION 6
A PREGNANT WOMAN is lying in bed. She is having contractions.
A LOVING HUSBAND is there, perhaps preparing a bag of things
for the hospital. The atmosphere is homely, reassuring,
darkish, warm and sympathetic.
VOICE OVER
Of all the many wonders of the
Universe, of all the many myriad
mysteries of nature herself, none can
compare with that most intimate,
indeed almost sacred moment of human
life... birth itself.
7 INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR DAY LOCATION OR STUDIO 7
Hard, very bright lights. Much metallic banging. PEOPLE
rushing about importantly. The MOTHER-TO-BE is being
wheeled very fast down the corridor. A NURSE with her slips
into a CONSLULTANT'S [sic] room.
8 INT. CONSULTANT'S ROOM DAY LOCATION OR STUDIO 8
TWO DOCTORS are killing time as the NURSE enters.
NURSE
Mrs Moon's contractions are mor
frequent doctor.
THE DOCTORS spring into action.
DOCTOR 1
Good. Take her into the feotus-
frightening room.
NURSE
Yes doctor.
She exits. We follow the DOCTORS - by a different route from
the NURSE? - into the delivery room.
9 INT. DELIVERY ROOM DAY STUDIO 9
NURSES are waiting for the DOCTORS with surgical gowns. As
they don the gowns the DOCTORS notice the lack of equipment.
DOCTOR 1
Bit bare today.
DOCTOR 2
Yeeeees.
DOCTOR 1
More apparatus please nurse.
NURSE
Yes doctor.
DOCTOR 1
The EEG, the BP monitor, the KRP -
DOCTOR 2
And get the machine that goes 'Ping' -
DOCTOR 1
And get the most expensive machines,
in case the administator comes ...
A lot of apparatus starts pouring into the room. The MOTHER
on the trolley comes in between two pieces of equipment and
gets lost, by being packed unnoticed behind some of the machines.
DOCTOR
That's better. Where's the patient?
NURSES go to look for her outside but she is discovered behind the
machines. DOCTORS go to address her. They always shout for her.
DOCTOR 1
Hallo. Now don't you worry!
DOCTOR 2
We'll soon have you cured!!
DOCTOR 1
Leave it all to us, you'll never know
what hit you.
DOCTORS
Goodbye!! Drips up! Injections!
DOCTOR 2
Can I put the tube in the baby's head?
DOCTOR 1
If I can do the epesiotomy.
DOCTOR 2
OK.
DOCTOR 1
Legs up.
The legs are put in the stirrups. The DOCTORS check and
then open the doors opposite.
DOCTOR
Come in everyone ... Come on in.
Come on; all of you.
A small HORDE enters, largely medical but with TWO JAPS with
cameras. The DOCTOR bumps into a man.
DOCTOR 1
Who are you?
MAN
I'm the husband.
DOCTOR 1
I'm sorry only the people involved
are allowed in here.
The HUSBAND leaves.
MRS MOON
What do I do?
DOCTOR 2
... Who said that?
NURSE
The mother.
DOCTOR 2
Mother I can't talk to you now I'm
delivering a baby.
NURSE
No, doctor, the mother.
DOCTOR 2
Oh! Good Lord. I'm sorry I didn't
recognise you.
MRS MOON
What do I do?
DOCTOR 2
Nothing dear. You're not qualified.
DOCTOR 1
Leave it to us!
MRS MOON
What's that for!
(she points at a machine)
DOCTOR
That's the thing that goes 'Ping'.
(it goes 'Ping')
You see. Ping! That means your
baby is still alive.
DOCTOR
And this is the most expensive piece
of apparatus in the whole hospital.
DOCTOR
Yes, it cost over three quarters of a million pounds.
DOCTOR
Aren't you lucky!
NURSE
The administrator's here doctor!
DOCTOR
Switch everything on!
They do so. Everything flashes and bleeps and thuds. Enter
the ADMINISTRATOR ...
ADMINISTRATOR
Morning gentlemen.
DOCTOR
Morning, Mr. Pycroft.
ADMINISTRATOR
Very impressive. What are you doing this
morning.
DOCTOR
It's a birth.
ADMINISTRATOR
And what sort of thing is that?
DOCTOR
It's when we take a new baby out of
a lady's tummy.
ADMINISTRATOR
Isn't it wonderful what we can do
nowadays. Ah I see you've got the
machine that goes 'Ping'! That's
my favourite you know. We lease it
back from the people we sold it to.
That way it comes under the monthly
current budget and not the capital
account.
They all applaud.
Thank you. We try to do our best.
Ah well carry on ...
NURSE
The vulva's dilating doctor.
DOCTOR
Oh yes there's the head ... 6 centimeters.
7 centimeters, 8, 9 ...
DOCTOR 2
Lights! Amplify the ping machine,
masks on! Suction! Blocks away! -
DOCTOR
(to Mother)
Nothing to worry about!!
DOCTOR
Leave it to us!!
DOCTOR
Here it comes!
The BABY arrives. Pause ...
And ... frighten it!
They grab BABY, hold it upside down, slap it, poke tubes up
its nose, hose it with cold water. Then the BABY is placed
on a wooden chopping block and the umbilicus severed with a
chopper.
DOCTOR
The rough towels!
It is dried with rough towels.
DOCTOR
Show it to the mother.
It's shown to the MOTHER.
That's enough! Sedate her, number
the child, blood type it, measure it
and ... isolate it.
MRS MOON
Is it a boy or a girl?
DOCTOR
Now I think it's a little early to
start imposing roles on it don't you?
Now a word of advice, you may find
that you suffer for some time a
totally irrational feeling of
depression, PND as we doctors call it,
so it's lots of happy pills and you
can find out all about the birth when
you get home, it's available on VHS,
Betamax or Super 8
The MOTHER watches the CHILD disappearing ...
VOICE OVER
But we must never forget that there
are still dark corners of the world
where ignorance and superstition
hold sway ...
CUT TO
10 EXT. NORTHERN STREET DAY LOCATION 10
CAPTION: The North of England
DAD marching home. We see his house. A stork flies above
it. Dad sees stork.
DAD
Oh bloody hell.
11 INT. NORTHERN HOUSE DAY STUDIO COMPOSITES 11
A PREGNANT WOMAN at sink. CUT TO tighter SHOT of her legs
below her skirt. With a cry a NEW BORN BABY complete with
umbilical cord drops from between legs onto the floor.
MOTHER
Get that would you Deirdre ...
A GIRL takes it. MOTHER carries on.
DAD comes up to his door and pushes it open sadly.
INSIDE there are at least 40 CHILDREN, of various ages, packed
into the living room.
MUM
(with tray)
Whose teatime is it?
SCORES OF VOICES
Me Mum ...
A toilet flushes. One CHILD comes out, ANOTHER goes in.
MUM
Vincent, Tessa, Valerie, Janine,
Martha, Andrew, Thomas, Walter, Pat,
Linda, Michael, Evadne, Alice, Dominique
and Sasha ... it's your bedtime!
CHILDREN
(all together)
Oh, Mum!
MUM
Don't argue ... Laura, Alfred, Nigel,
Annie, Simon, Amanda, Beryl, Barny ...
Robert ...
DAD
Wait ...
They ALL listen.
I've got something to tell the whole
family.
ALL stop ... a buzz of excitement.
MUM
(to nearest son)
Quick ... go and get the others in,
Gordon!
GORDON goes out. ANOTHER 20 or so CHILDREN enter the room.
They squash in at the back as best they can.
DAD
The mill has closed. There's no more work, we're destitute.
Lots of cries of "Oh no" ... "Cripes" ... "Heck" ... from around the table ...
I've got no option but to sell you
all for scientific experiments ...
I'm sorry, but that's the way it is ...
blame the Catholic church for not
letting me wear one of those little
rubber things ... Oh they've done
some good things in their time, they've
preserved the might and majesty and
indeed mystery af the church of Rome, the
sanctity of the sacrament and the
indivisible oneness of the Trinity,
but if they'd let me wear one of
those little rubber things over the
end of my cock we wouldn't be in the
mess we are now.
LITTLE BOY
Couldn't Mummy have had some sort of
pessery?
DAD
Not if we want to remain members
of the fastest growing religion in the
world ... You see they believe ...
well ... let me put it like this ...
(he sings)
There are Jews in the world,
There are Buddhists,
There are Hindus and Mormons and then
There are those that follow Mohammed
But I've never been one of them.
I'm a Roman Catholic
And have been since before I was born,
And one thing I've learnt about Catholics
Is they'll take you as soon as you're warm ...
You don't have to be a six-footer
You don't have to have a great brain,
You don't have to have any clothes on -
You're a Catholic the moment Dad came ...
Because ...
Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is great
If a sperm is wasted
God gets quite irate.
This is developed into a massive and jolly production number
à la "Chitty-Chitty Bang! Bang!" à la "Oliver"!
CHILDREN sing lustily in the chorus.
CHILDREN
Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is great
If a sperm is wasted
God gets quite irate.
At end of upbeat production number we come back to DAD.
DAD
So you see my problem, little ones ...
I can't keep you here any longer.
SHOUT FROM THE BACK
Speak up!
DAD
(raising his voice)
I can't keep you here any longer ...
God has blessed us so much that I
can't afford to feed you any more.
BOY
Couldn't you have your balls cut off ... ?
DAD
It isn't as simple as that Nigel ...
God knows all ... He would see through
such a cheap trick. What we do to
ourselves, we do to him ...
VOICE
You could get them pulled off in an
accident?
OTHER VOICES suggest ways his balls can be removed.
DAD
Children ... children ... I know you're
trying to help but believe me, I have
given this great and careful thought
but my mind is made up ... it's medical
experiments for the lot of you ...
12 EXT. NORTHERN STREET DAY LOCATION 12
The CHILDREN emerge singing "Every Sperm is Sacred". They
flock down the street, the latest arrival being pulled
along on a trolley by its umbilical cord.
They are being watched from another Northern house ...
CUT TO
13 INT. WORKING CLASS HOUSE DOWN THE STREET LOCATION 13
CHILDREN pass the window at regular intervals. MR BLACKITT
lets the curtain back.
MR BLACKITT
Bloody Catholics, look at them, filling
the bloody world up with bloody people
they can't afford to bloody feed.
MRS BLACKITT
What are we dear?
MR BLACKITT
Protestant, and fiercely proud of it ...
MRS BLACKITT
Why do they have so many children ... ?
MR BLACKITT
Because every time they have sexual
intercourse they have to have a baby.
MRS BLACKITT
But it's the same with us, Harry.
MR BLACKITT
What d'you mean ... ?
MRS BLACKITT
Well we've got two children and we've
had sexual intercourse twice.
MR BLACKITT
That's not the point ... we could
have it anytime we wanted.
MRS BLACKITT
Really?
MR BLACKITT
Oh yes. And, what's more because we
don't believe in all that Papist clap-
trap we can take precautions.
MRS BLACKITT
You mean lock the door ... ?
MR BLACKITT
No, I mean, because we are members of
the Protestant reformed church which
successfully challenged the autocratic
power of the Papacy in the mid-16th
century, we can use little rubber
devices to prevent issue.
MRS BLACKITT
What do you mean?
MR BLACKITT
I could, if I wanted, have sexual intercourse with you ...
MRS BLACKITT
Oh yes ... Harvey ...
MR BLACKITT
And by wearing a rubber sheath over
my old feller I could ensure that when I
came off ... you would not be impregnated.
MRS BLACKITT
Ooh!
MR BLACKITT
That's what being a Protestant's all
about. That's why it's the church for
me. It's the church for anyone who
respects the individual and the
individual's right to decide for him
or herself.
When Martin Luther nailed his protest
up to the church door in 1517, he may
not have realised the full significance
of what he was doing. But 400 years
later, thanks to him, my dear, I can
wear whatever I like on my John Thomas.
And Protestantism doesn't stop at the
simple condom. Oh no! I can wear
French Ticklers if I want.
MRS BLACKITT
What?
MR BLACKITT
French Ticklers ... Crocodile Ribs ...
Black Mambos ... Sheaths that are
designed not only to protect but to
enhance the stimulation of sexual
congress ...
MRS BLACKITT
Have you got one?
MR BLACKITT
Have I got one? Well no ... but I
can go down the road and walk into
Harry's any time I want and hold my
head up, and say in a loud steady voice
"Harry, I want you to sell me a
condom. In fact today I think I'll
have a French Tickler, for I am a
Protestant ...
MRS BLACKITT
Why don't you?
MR BLACKITT
But they ...
(he points at the stream
of Children still
pouring past the house)
... they cannot. Their church never
made the great leap out of the Middle
Ages, and the domination of alien
episcopal supremacy!
CUT TO
14 ANIMATION. 14
EXCITING MUSIC. CUT TO ANIMATED TITLES
"THE ADVENTURES OF MARTIN LUTHER"
in Errol Flynn adventure-style lettering.
CUT TO
15 EXT. LATRINE WINDOW DAY LOCATION 15
MARTIN LUTHER - a desperate-looking unshaven character in
rough habit and too-long tonsure drops to the ground out of
a high latrine window. He looks wild-eyed and hunted.
He runs off.
CUT TO
16 EXT. COURTYARD DAY LOCATION 16
WOMAN and two rather plain DAUGHTERS are sitting outside
spinning. MAN arrives breathless.
HUSBAND
Mamie! Martin Luther's out!
Consternation amongst the WOMENFOLK. MAMIE hurries her
DAUGHTERS inside.
MAMIE
Did you bring the suet, Hymie?
HYMIE (HUSBAND)
Ay vay - the suet I clean forgot!
MAMIE
The suet you forgot!
HYMIE
The lard, the fish oil, the butter
fat, the dripping, and the wool
grease I remembered
(hands over shopping)
... but the suet ... ay vay ...
MAMIE
(pointing to his head)
So what d'you keep up there? Adipose
tissue? How we going to eat butterfat
without the suet? You want for us to
eat it on its own?
HYMIE
Mamie, I'll go back and get the suet ...
MAMIE
How we going to eat dripping without
suet? We'd be sick!
HYMIE
Look out Mamie! Here he comes.
MAMIE goes inside shouting:
MAMIE
Girls! Your father forgot the suet!
Groans from the GIRLS inside.
MARTIN LUTHER is at the gate. His ears prick up at the female
voices. His eyes flick from side to side.
MARTIN LUTHER
Where's the john?
HYMIE
We don't have one.
MARTIN LUTHER
No john? What d'you do?
HYMIE
We eat fat.
MARTIN LUTHER
And that stops you going to the john?
HYMIE
It's a theory.
MARTIN LUTHER
Does it work?
HYMIE
We ain't got no john.
MARTIN LUTHER
But d'you need to go?
HYMIE
You know how it is with theories -
some days it's fine ... maybe one two ...
three days ... and then just when it
looks like you're ready to publish...
(expression of resignation
and discussion)
Whoosh! We need a new kitchen floor.
MARTIN LUTHER
You should be so lucky!
GIRL's laugh from inside.
MARTIN LUTHER looks up - alert.
Do you need any cleaning inside?
HYMIE
Today ... it's all going fine.
MARTIN LUTHER
How's about showing me the cutlery?
HYMIE
Martin - I got a woman and children in
there.
MARTIN LUTHER
So there's no problem ... I just look
at a few spoons ... and ...
MARTIN LUTHER starts to go in. HYMIE stops him.
HYMIE
I got two girls in there, Martin ...
you know what I mean.
MARTIN LUTHER
Honest! I don't look at your
girls! I don't think about them!
There! I put them out of my mind!
Their necks ... their legs ... their
little arms and bosoms ... I wipe
from my mind.
HYMIE
You just want to see the spoons?
MARTIN LUTHER
My life! That's what I want to see.
HYMIE
I know I'm going to regret this.
MARTIN LUTHER
Listen! Cutlery is really my thing now.
Girls with round breasts is over for me.
HYMIE
What am I doing? I know what's
going to happen.
He goes in. MARTIN LUTHER follows, crouching.
MARTIN LUTHER
I'll crouch behind you a little ... I
think ...
They go in.
CUT TO
17 ANIMATION 17
FAT ANIMATION: Various leading PROTESTANT FIGURES inventing
condoms. This transmogrifies into
"TOWN AND COUNTRY"
animation. At the end of this we return to the Protestant
Contraception Leitmotif and hear the words:
VOICE OVER
But despite the efforts of the
Protestants to promote the idea of
sex for pleasure, children multiplied
everywhere ...
CUT TO
18 CAPTION, TITLE or BRIEF ANIMATION: 18
"THE MEANING OF LIFE"
Part II: 'Growth and Learning'
CUT TO
19 INT. CHAPEL DAY LOCATION 19
THE CAMERA PANS along rows and rows of SCHOOLBOYS in the
chapel. Over this shot we hear a man reading the lesson.
MAN
And so the Midianites went forth to Ram
Gilead in Haphezekiah, to the house of
Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda, and there slew
they the goats and placed they the
little bits into pots.
The MAN closes the Bible. HEADMASTER rises.
HEADMASTER
Let us praise God. Oh Lord ...
CONGREGATION
Oh Lord ...
HEADMASTER
Oooh you are so big ...
CONGREGATION
Oooh you are so big ...
HEADMASTER
So absolutely huge.
CONGREGATION
So ab-solutely huge.
HEADMASTER
Gosh, we're all really impressed
down here I can tell you.
CONGREGATION
Gosh, we're all really impressed down
here I can tell you.
HEADMASTER
I mean, you're so tough and strong,
you could beat anybody up.
CASTRATO
(chants)
You would smash his face in ...
HEADMASTER
And forgive us O Lord for this our
dreadful toadying.
CONGREGATION
And barefaced flattery.
HEADMASTER
But we are most incredibly impressed
'cos you are so strong and well, just
so super.
CONGREGATION
Fan-tastic.
HEADMASTER
Amen. Now two boys have been found
rubbing linseed oil into the school
cormorant. Now some of you may feel
that our cormorant is not an important
part of the life of the school but I
would remind you that it was presented
to the school by the Corporation of the
town of Sudbury to commemorate Empire
Day, when we try to remember the names
of all those from the Sudbury area who
so gallantly gave their lives to keep
China British ... Hymn 42 ...
The CONGREGATION rise to sing.
"Oh Lord, please don't burn us" ...
CONGREGATION
(singing)
Oh Lord, please don't burn us,
Don't grill or toast your flock
Don't put us on the barbecue
Or simmer us in stock
Don't braise or bake or boil us
Or stir-fry us in a wok ...
20 EXT. CHAPEL IN PUBLIC SCHOOL GAMES DAY LOCATION 20
We start now to CROSS FADE from chapel to the BOYS coming
out of chapel and entering classrooms. The singing continues ...
CONGREGATION (Cont)
Oh please don't lightly poach us,
Or baste us with hot fat
Don't fricasse or roast us
Or boil us in a vat,
And please don't stick your followers
In a rotissomat ...
21 INT. CLASSROOM DAY LOCATION 21
By the end of this we are in one classroom, where the CLASS
is waiting in an orderly manner, reading or staring
peacefully ahead. ONE BOY stands by the door.
BOY
He's coming!
Pandemonium breaks out. MASTER walks in.
HEADMASTER
Oh settle down settle down.
(he puts his papers
down)
Now before I begin the lesson will
those of you who are playing in the
match this afternoon move your clothes
on to the lower peg immediately after
lunch before you write your letters
home, if you're not having your hair
cut, unless you've got a younger brother
who is going out this weekend as the
guest of another boy, in which case
collect his note before lunch, put
it in your letter before you get your
hair cut, and make sure he moves your
clothes onto the lower peg after lunch
for you. Now ...
WYMER
Sir?
HEADMASTER
Yes Wymer?
WYMER
My younger brother's going out with
Dibble this weekend sir but I'm not
getting my hair cut today sir, so do
I move my clothes down or do I get
him ...
HEADMASTER
I do wish you'd listen Wymer, it's
perfectly simple, if you're not
getting your hair cut, you don't have
to put your brother's clothes down
on the lower peg, you just collect
the note before you do your scripture
prep after lunch when you've written
your letter home before rest, move
your clothes down a peg, greet the
visitors. and report to Mr Webber
before lunch that you've got your
chit and of course your younger brother's.
Now sex ... sex, sex, sex, where were we?
Silence from form. A lot of hard thinking of the type indulged
in by schoolboys who know they don't know the answer.
Did we get as far as the penis
entering the vagina?
PUPILS
I don't think so no. Don't think so.
No sir. No we didn't, sir.
HEADMASTER
So we'd finished foreplay.
PUPILS
... yes sir. Think so sir. Yes sir.
HEADMASTER
Well since we all know so much about
it can you all tell me what is the
purpose of foreplay then ... Biggs.
BIGGS
Don't know sir sorry.
HEADMASTER
Crawford.
CRAWFORD
Was it ... was it taking your clothes
off sir?
HEADMASTER
And after that?
WYMER
Putting them on a lower peg sir?
WILLIAMS throws a board duster at him and hits him. WYMER
cries.
HEADMASTER
Foreplay is necessary to cause the
vagina to lubricate which will allow
the penis to penetrate more easily.
SALES
Could we have a window open sir?
HEADMASTER
... Harris will you? ... and of
course to encourage the man's penis
to erect and har ... den. Did I do
vaginal juices last week oh do pay
attention Wadsworth, I know it's
Friday afternoon oh watching the
cricket are you right sit over there.
WADSWORTH
Sorry sir.
HEADMASTER
Now I'm warning you boys I may decide
to set an exam this term.
PUPILS
Oh sir ...
HEADMASTER
So just ... now did I or did I not
do vaginal juices last week?
PUPILS
Yes sir.
HEADMASTER
Name two ways of getting them flowing,
Watson.
WATSON
Rubbing the clitoris.
HEADMASTER
What's wrong with a kiss, boy? Why
not start with a nice kiss? You don't
have to go leaping straight for the
clitoris like a bull at the gate.
Give her a kiss.
RICHARDS
Suck the nipple sir.
HEADMASTER
Good. Good Richards.
DUCKWORTH
Stroking the thighs sir.
HEADMASTER
Yes I suppose so.
BIGGS
Oooh sir. Biting the neck.
HEADMASTER
Good. Nibbling the ear, kneading
the buttocks, and so on and so forth.
So there are all these possibilities
before we stampede towards the
clitoris Watson.
WATSON
Yes sir. Sorry sir.
HEADMASTER
All forms of stimulation of the
clitoris can now take place, do put
that book away boy, what is it?
SALES
Caesar sir.
HEADMASTER
Well ... put it away ... and of course
tonguing will give you the best idea
(looking at watch)
of how the juices are coming along
(opens door and calls
out of it)
Jenkins, the bed please. Now
penetration and coitus ...
JENKINS enters pushing a rather plush four-poster.
Ah thank you Jenkins ... that is of
course, up to and including orgasm.
MRS WILLIAMS has entered, a real corker, nude under a pretty
dressing gown.
Ah hallo dear.
The PUPILS have ambled more or less to their feet.
HEADMASTER
Do stand up when my wife enters the
room Carter.
CARTER
Sorry sir.
MRS WILLIAMS
Humphrey, I hope you don't mind, I
told the Garfields we would dine
with them tonight.
HEADMASTER
(starting to disrobe)
Yes, well, I suppose we must ...
MRS WILLIAMS
(taking off the gown to
reveal herself as-it-were
naked)
I said we'd be there by eight.
HEADMASTER
Well at least I'll have a reason to
wind up the staff meeting. Now ...
(he's got his shirt off)
Wake up Wymer. This is for your
benefit. I've no intention of
going though all this again.
The BOYS, who have been talking amongst themselves quietly,
have resumed attentive positions. WILLIAMS picks up a
pointer, but from now on the CAMERA largely plays on the BOYS'
faces and reactions. The BOYS are no more interseted than
they were in the last lesson on the Binomial theorem, though
they pretend as usual.
HEADMASTER
Now we'll take the foreplay as read;
if you don't mind dear.
MRS WILLIAMS
Of course not Humphrey.
HEADMASTER
And so I'll start by entering, or
mounting my good lady wife in the
standard way. The penis is now you'll
notice more or less fully erect.
There we are. That's better. Now ...
Duckworth!
DUCKWORTH
Sorry sir.
HEADMASTER
What is it?
DUCKWORTH
It's an ocarina ... sir.
HEADMASTER
Bring it up here. Now the man starts
making thrusting movements with his
pelvic region, moving his penis up
and down in the vagina thus ... and,
put it there boy, put it there ...
on the table ... while the wife
maximizes her clitorial stimulation
by the shaft of the penis by pushing
forward, thank you dear ... now as
the momentum increases and the
sexual excitement builds what's funny
Biggs?
BIGGS
Nothing sir.
HEADMASTER
Oh do share your little joke with
the rest of us ... obviously some-
thing frightfully funny's going on ...
BIGGS
No sir.
HEADMASTER
Well as it's so funny I think you'd
better be selected for the boys team
to play rugger against the masters
this afternoon.
BOY looks horrified.
22 EXT. PLAYING FIELD DAY LOCATION 22
BIGGS is standing in rugby kit.
Whistle blows.
CUT TO MASTER kicking off.
CUT TO BIGGS catching ball.
CUT TO MASTERS leaping in a heap upon him.
A rough tough massacre of the BOYS by HUGE HULKING MASTERS
now fills the screen with hilarious and striking visual images
for about 45 seconds. After which a commentary starts.
VOICE OVER
Perhaps it is here, on the playing
fields, that our youth finds the best
preparation for the next chapter in
life's story ...
Last shouts of the rugger are CUT abruptly as we
CUT TO
23 CAPTION: THE MEANING OF LIFE 23
Part III: Fighting Each Other
24 EXT. FLANDERS DAY LOCATION 24
CUT BACK TO NOISE SIMILAR TO RUGBY MATCH AND A SCENE
IDENTICAL TO THE ONE WE'VE JUST LEFT: IN MUD AND BODIES
ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Now the noises are also augmented by the sound of whistling
shells and the thud of mortars. We are in the First World
War, in the trenches.
We PAN AWAY from the trenches and across No-Man's Land
where we pick up a DESPERATE SQUAD OF FIGHTING MEN huddled
in a shell-hole.
CUT TO A KNOLL. Over the knoll come the same SQUAD, smoke
and shells-all around. Their faces are stained and
blackened.
TREVOR
O.K. Blackitt, Timpson and Spadger -
you take the buggers on the left
flank. Willets, Bradbury and I
will go for the gunpost.
BLACKITT
(a Deptford Cockney)
You'll never make it sir ... let us
come with you ...
TREVOR
Do as you're told man.
BLACKITT
Righto skipper.
(he starts to go,
then stops)
Oh, if I ... if we don't meet again ...
I just want to say it's been a
privilege fighting alongside you sir ...
They are continually ducking as bullets fly past them and
shells burst overhead.
TREVOR
Yes, well I think this is hardly the
time or place for a goodbye speech ...
TREVOR is clearly anxious to go.
BLACKITT
No, me and the lads realise that but ...
well ... we may never meet again and so ...
TREVOR
Alright, Blackitt, thanks a lot.
BLACKITT
Just a mo, sir! You see me and the
lads had a little whip-round, and
we bought you this, sir ...
He produces a handsome ormulu clock from his pack. TREVOR
is at a loss for words. He is continually ducking.
TREVOR
Well I don't know what to say ...
It's a lovely thought ... thank you ...
thank you all ... and now we'd
better ...
He starts to go.
BLACKITT
Hang on a tick, sir, we got something
else for you ...
TWO of the OTHERS emerge from some bushes with a grandfather
clock.
BLACKITT
Sorry it's another clock ...
There was a bit of a mix-up ...
Wellacott thought he was buying the
present, and Spadger and I had
already got the other.
TREVOR
Well it's beautiful ... They're both
beau -
A bullet suddenly shatters the face of the grandfather clock
(maybe kills one of the CARRIERS)
TREVOR
... but I think perhaps we'd better
get to cover now. I'll thank you
properly later ...
TREVOR starts to go again but BLACKITT hasn't finished.
BLACKITT
And Sergeant Harper got this for
you, sir. He didn't know about the
rest of us ...
He hands over a wrist watch.
TREVOR
Lovely.
A shell bursts right overhead. TREVOR flings himself down
into the mud.
Christ! Right! Let's go!
BLACKITT
And there's a card from all of us ...
He produces a mud-splattered envelope.
... Sorry about that.
TREVOR pockets it and tries to go on.
Three cheers for Captain Donovan.
Hip Hip -
ALL
Hooray!
BLACKITT
Hip Hip -
ALL
Hoor ...
An almighty burst of machine-gun silences most of them.
BLACKITT is hit.
TREVOR
Blackitt!
BLACKITT
(hurt)
And one final thing, sir ... ah!
Spadger, the cheque ...
TREVOR
Oh now really this is too much ...
SPADGER
Damn, I don't seem to be able to
find it ...
TREVOR
(losing his cool)
Oh! For Christ's sake man forget it!
The OTHERS all look at TREVOR after this outburst, as if they can't believe his ingratitude.
BLACKITT
Oh! Ah!
SPADGER
You shouldn't have said that, sir.
TREVOR
I'm sorry.
SPADGER
You've hurt his feelings ...
BLACKITT
Don't mind me, Spadge ... Toffs is
all the same ... one minute it's all
please and thank you, the next they'll
kick you in the teeth ...
ONE WHISPERS
Let's not give him the cake ...
TREVOR
I don't want any cake.
SPADGER
Blackitt cooked it specially for you,
you bastard.
They all look at BLACKITT rolling in the mud.
ANOTHER
Yeah, he saved his rations for six
weeks sir.
YET ANOTHER
He made the icing ... he bought the
hundreds and thousands ...
SPADGER
And look at him now! The least you can do is eat the bloody thing.
Hostile murmurings. Shell whistles overhead.
TREVOR
I'm sorry I don't mean to be
ungrateful ...
Shell crashes.
... Let's have the cake ... and
really enjoy it ... come on!
Eh? ...
25 INT. NAAFI HUT DAY STUDIO/LOCATION 25
CUT TO A GENERAL giving an address from a stage in a Naafi
hut.
GENERAL
Well of course warfare isn't like
that. Warfare isn't to do with
cakes and clocks and giving each
other presents in the heat of
battle. It's about responsibility
and discipline and unquestioning
obedience to the orders of your
superiors. And may God strike me
down if it were to be any other way.
The HAND OF GOD descends and vapourises him to a small pile
of smoking blue powder in a matter of seconds.
CUT TO LARGE AUDIENCE OF COMBAT TROOPS, who are obviously
about to go into battle and are receiving their last pep-
talk. Their faces register unease, a few look furtively
heavenwards.
26 ANIMATION 26 ANIMATION OF GOD'S HAND retreating back into cloads.
27 EXT. ARMY BARRACKS SQUARE DAY LOCATION 27
PAN DOWN to outside of Naafi hut and barracks square, where
RSM WHATEVERHISNAMEIS is drilling the SQUAD OF RECRUITS.
SGT MAJOR
Now! Today we're going to do Marching
up and down the square. That is unless
any of you have got anything better to
do? Well have any of you got nuffing
else you'd rather be doing than marching
hup and down the square?
ATKINSON puts his hand up.
Atkinson? Yes? What would you rather
be doing Atkinson?
ATKINSON
Well to be quite honest, sarge, I'd
rather be at home with the wife and
kids.
SGT MAJOR
Would you now?
ATKINSON
Yes sir.
SGT MAJOR
Right, off you go then.
ATKINSON goes.
Now everybody else happy with my
little plan of marching up and
down the square a bit?
COLES
I've quite got a book I'd like
to read ...
SGT MAJOR
Right! Well go and read your book
then!
COLES runs off.
Now everyone else happy to carry
on with my little scheme of marching
hup and down the square.
A.N. OTHER
Sarge?
SGT MAJOR
Yeah, what is it, Wycliff?
A.N OTHER
(tentatively)
Er ... I'm ... er ... learning the
piano ...
SGT MAJOR
(with contempt)
'Learing the piano'?
A.N OTHER
Yes, sarge ...
SGT MAJOR
And I suppose you want to go and
practice eh? Marching up and down
the square not good enough for you!
A.N. OTHER
Well ...
SGT MAJOR
Right! Off you go!
(turns to the rest)
Now what about the rest of you?
Rather go to the pictures I suppose.
SQUAD
Ooh rather.
SGT MAJOR
Right off you go.
They go.
Bloody army! Don't know what it's
coming to ... Right, Sgt Major,
marching up and down the square ...
Begin! Left ... left ... left-
right-left ...
As the SGT MAJOR marches himself off into the distance of
the barracks square:
VOICE OVER
War, said Machiavelli, is the
ultimate state of politics.
28 INT. BACK PROJECTION/PROCESS DAY STUDIO 28
CUT TO AN EXPERT (who was just being the Voice Over).
On screen behing him are army march pasts and battle scenes.
He has to shout a little over the rumble of the tanks and
rocket launchers.
EXPERT
And it is worth reminding ourselves
that without war there would have
been little or no development of
small prepacked cheeses ...
Background shots of prepacked cheeses.
At this point we IRIS in the bottom left hand corner of the
screen:
28a A FRENCH HOUSEWIFE, MME YOLANDE GUIDE-MICHELIN 28a
She translates into French everthing he says in an annoyingly
high-pitched monotone, while preparing a piperade for six
without the anchovies.
EXPERT
... no great leap forward in the
building trade, no holiday camps,
no drip-dry shirts. All these
things, and other things too, are
by-products of war.
The scene behind him changes to the Trooping of the Colour.
But in the fight for these great
by-products or war, perhaps no
army has shown more valour,
courage and tenacity than the
British Army, which went selflessly
to the four corners of the Globe,
to defend a civilisation and
empire, a way of life that was
truly the greatest achievement of
the genius of the British People.
MME YOLANDE
GUIDE-MICHELIN
(concluding)
... la plus grande de la genie de
la peuple Brittanique.
29 EXT. RORKE'S DRIFT DAY LOCATION 29
CUT TO the thick of battle. A Zulu attack on a British
Army encampment circa 1890. (We could even buy it from
Zulu maybe.)
BRITISH RANKS are being killed right left and centre. The
CAMERA TRACKS IN over the carnage and picks up an OFFICER
who is running from one of the tents to another. He dis-
appears into another tent.
30 INT. TENT DAY STUDIO 30
WE CUT TO the interior of the tent and see the OFFICER
arrive. His name is AINSWORTH. Inside the tent a group
of BRITISH OFFICERS are putting on their equipment in a
rather leisurely way. ONE of them looks up as AINSWORTH
enters.
PAKENHAM-WALSH
Morning Ainsworth.
AINSWORTH
Morning Pakenham-Walsh.
PAKENHAM-WALSH
Sleep well?
AINSWORTH
Not bad. Bitten to shreds though.
Must be a hole in the bloody mosquito
net.
PAKENHAM-WALSH
Savage blighters aren't they?
1st LIEUT CHADWICK
(arriving)
Excuse me sir.
AINSWORTH
Yes Chadwick?
CHADWICK
Perkins has been pretty badly bitten
during the night sir.
AINSWORTH
So have we. Look.
CHADWICK
Yes, but I think doctor had better
take a look at him sir.
AINSWORTH
Oh all right Chadwick.
31 EXT. RORKE'S DRIFT DAY LOCATION 31
CHADWICK dashes off. AINSWORTH and PAKENHAM-WALSH run though
line of assegais and enter PERKINS' tent. PERKINS is on his
camp bed.
32 INT. TENT DAY STUDIO 32
AINSWORTH
What's the matter Perkins?
PERKINS
Bitten sir. During the night.
AINSWORTH
Whole leg gone eh?
PERKINS
Yes.
As they talk, the din of battle continues outside. Screams
of dying men, crackling of tents set on fire. Occasionally
an assegai thuds into the tent they are in.
AINSWORTH
How's it feel?
PERKINS
Stings a bit.
AINSWORTH
Well it would, wouldn't it. That's
some bite you've got there you know.
PERKINS
Real beauty isn't it.
ALL
Yes.
AINSWORTH
Any ideas how it happened?
PERKINS
None at all. Complete mystery.
Woke up just now ... one sock too
many.
PAKENHAM-WALSH
You must have a hell of a hole in
your net.
AINSWORTH
Do you think we'd better get the
doctor?
PERKINS
Not worth it.
PAKENHAM-WALSH
Yes ... look.
AINSWORTH
That's enormous.
PAKENHAM-WALSH
Do you think it'll come back?
AINSWORTH
For more you mean? Yes, it might.
We must get this stitched.
LIVINGSTONE
(entering tent with
Chadwick)
Good morning.
PAKENHAM-WALSH
Ah! Doc.
LIVINGSTONE
Something up?
AINSWORTH
Perkins had his leg bitten off during
the night.
LIVINGSTONE
Ah hah!? Been in the wars have we?
Any headache, bowels all right?
Well now, let's have a look at this
one leg of yours then
(looks around under
the sheet)
Yes ... yes ... yes ... well, this is
nothing to worry about.
PERKINS
Oh good.
LIVINGSTONE
There's a lot of it about, it's
probably a virus, give it plenty
of rest, keep warm, if you're
playing football or anything try
and favour the other leg.
PERKINS
Alright.
LIVINGSTONE
Should be right as rain in a couple
of days.
PERKINS
Thanks for the reassurance doctor.
LIVINGSTONE
That's what I'm here for. Any other
problems I can reassure you about?
PERKINS
No fine.
LIVINGSTONE
Jolly good then. Well I must be off.
Uh ...
PERKINS
It'll just grow back then will it?
LIVINGSTONE
Er ... well look, I think I'd better
come clean with you about this ...
it's ... um ... it's not a virus I'm
afraid.
PERKINS
Oh I see.
LIVINGSTONE
A virus is what we doctors call very
very small. So small it could not
have gone off with a whole leg. What
we're looking for is I think, and
this is no more than an educated guess,
I'd make that clear, is some multi-
cellular life form with stripes and
huge razor sharp teeth, about eleven
foot long and of the genus Felis
horribiles. What we doctors in fact
call a tiger.
ALL IN TENT
A tiger ... !!
33 EXT RORKE'S DRIFT DAY LOCATION 33
CUT TO EXTERIOR
EXTERIOR engaged in battle, included the ZULUS, breaks off
and shouts in horror:
ALL
A tiger!
ZULUS RUN OFF!
34 INT. TENT DAY STUDIO 34
CUT BACK to interior tent. They all look up as there is a
knock on the tent. An RSM who is pin-cushioned with assegais,
enters. As he does so we may (or may not) notice a cross-
legged INDIAN outside lowering a small piece of front door
with knocker atached.
RSM
The attacks over, sir! The Zulus
have reteated!
AINSWORTH
(dismissively)
Jolly good.
(he turns back to
the group around
Perkins)
RSM
(cheerily)
Quite a lot of casualties, sir. C
Division wiped out. Signals gone.
30 killed in F Section. I should
think about a hundred - a hundred
after fifty men altogether.
AINSWORTH
(not very interested)
Yes, yes.
RSM
I haven't checked the final figures,
there's a lot of very seriously
wounded in the compound ...
AINSWORTH
(interrupting)
Yes yes, look ... it's just that we
have a bit of a problem here.
(with gravity)
One of the officers has lost a leg.
RSM
(stunned by the news)
Oh no, sir!
AINSWORTH
(gravely)
Probably a tiger.
RSM
(visibly moved)
Oh dear!
AINSWORTH
M.O. thinks there's a chance of
stiching it back on if we can
find it quickly.
RSM
Right sir! I'll organise a party
right away, sir!
AINSWORTH
(brightening up)
Yes, that's a jolly good idea. We
can have some nuts and paper hats
oh and I know! We'll put the names
of famous people on everyone's back
so they have to guess ...
RSM
No no - a search party, sir.
AINSWORTH
Oh yes, much better idea. We'd better
organise it right away.
35 EXT. RORKE'S DRIFT DAY LOCATION 35
AINSWORTH leads the RSM out into the compound.
Dead British BODIES (of the other ranks) are everywhere.
RSM
(apologetically)
Sorry about the mess, sir. We'll get
it all cleared up, sir, by the time
you get back.
They walk through the carnage. ORDERLIES are cheerfully
attending to the equally cheery WOUNDED and the only
slighty less cheery DEAD. Some look at AINSWORTH and
the RSM pass by.
A DYING MAN
(covered in blood)
We showed 'em, didn't we, sir?
He gives a thumbs up and dies.
ANOTHER CHEERY COCKNEY
(from under a pile
of dead bodies)
Isn't this fun, sir?
AINSWORTH
(abstracted)
Yes ... er ... good.
A.C.C.
You know ... all the killing ... the
bloodshed ... bloody good fun, isn't
it, sir?
AINSWORTH
Yes.
He waves and moves on.
A SEVERED HEAD
Morning, sir!
AINSWORTH
Nasty wound you've got there, Potter.
A SEVERED HEAD
(cheerily)
Thank you sir!
ANOTHER TERRIBLE CASUALTY
Better than staying at home, sir!
At home if you kill someone they
arrest you. Here they give you a
gun, and show you how to do it!
AINSWORTH
(moving on)
Jolly good ...
A.T.C.
I mean I killed fifteen of them
buggers today! Now in civvy
street they'd hang me for it.
Here they give me a medal!
AINSWORTH
Good show.
AINSWORTH and RSM move on. The RSM, during the preceding,
has been enlisting men for the search party.
36 EXT. JUNGLE DAY LOCATION 36
FADE UP ON THICK JUNGLE.
The SEARCH PARTY for PERKINS' leg are passing though. The
jungle is dense and the atmosphere is threatening. The MEN
beat the undergrowth. They keep reaching onto thickets and
finding LEGS (usually British colonial legs with Alkit socks
and well polished shoes) which they keep bringing to the M.O.
The M.O. is walking beside PERKINS' litter. The M.O. shakes
his head and they throw the legs back into the jungle.
LIVINGSTONE
(to Perkins, solicitously)
How are you feeling, old man?
PERKINS
Incredibly randy.
LIVINGSTONE
What?
PERKINS
Well, bouncing up and down like this ...
A CHEERY COCKNEY comes up with a big black leg.
LIVINGSTONE
Don't be silly, Chater, put it back
Don't waste my time.
PERKINS
All this jigging about ... It's like
being on a bus ...
LIVINGSTONE
(giving him a strange
look)
On a bus?
PERKINS
Yes, one of those country routes,
where they're making the road up.
PAKENHAM-WALSH, who is leading the expedition, suddenly
throws out his arms to stop everyone and gives a shriek.
PAKENHAM-WALSH
Look!
EVERYONE STOPS.
RSM
Ooh! I shat meself!
PACKENHAM-WALSH
Look! There in the bush!
Guns are levelled and there is a fusillade of shots.
A PAUSE as they stare intensely.
A tiger's head and upper body now appears, rising up out of
the thicket with its paws up. Pause. The HUNTERS eye each
other. The tiger's rear end now appears backing itself out
of the thicket a little way away. For a moment it looks
like a very long tiger.
AINSWORTH
Steady men!! God it's huge!
The Rear End turns and speaks.
REAR END
Don't shoot. We're not a tiger.
(takes of head)
We were just ...
AINSWORTH
What?
REAR END
Hum?
AINSWORTH
Why are you dressed as a tiger?
REAR END
Hmm ... oh ... why! ... ah ... isn't
it absolutely beautiful today.
FRONT END
Isn't it capital.
AINSWORTH
Answer the question.
REAR END
Oh it's just er ... ummm ...
FRONT END
Actually! We're dressed like this
because ... no that's not it.
REAR END
We did it for a lark. Part of a
spree. High spirits. Simple as
that.
FRONT END
Nothing more to it ...
All stare.
Well actually ... we're on a mission
for British Intelligence, there's a
pro-Soviet maharajah ...
REAR END
No, no.
FRONT END
No, no, no.
REAR END
No, no we're doing a sherry ad.
FRONT END
It's, forget about the Soviets. It's
a new campaign for Domecq sherry -
for the cinema - only the film crew
ran off and just left us here.
REAR END
We're supposed to sing a jingle,
'Domecq sherry is a real treat,
Even tigers prefer it to meat'.
FRONT END
It's going to be tested in selected
areas before it goes national.
REAR END
Only it's not a very likely story so
when we heard you coming we hid rather
than have to explain.
FRONT END
That was it!
Pause.
REAR END
All right. We are dressed as a tiger
because he has an aunt who did it in
1931 and this is the 50th anniversary.
FRONT END
No. We're doing it for a bet.
REAR END
God told us to do it.
FRONT END
To tell the truth we are completely
mad. We are the inmates of a Bengali
Psychiatric Institution and we escaped
by making this skin out of old cereal
packets ...
PERKINS
It doesn't matter.
FRONT END
What?
PERKINS
It doesn't matter why they're dressed
as a tiger, have they got my leg?
AINSWORTH
Good thinking. Have you?
FRONT END
... I'm sorry what was the question?
AINSWORTH
Have you got his leg?
FRONT END
... How do you mean?
AINSWORTH
It's perfectly simple.
FRONT END
No it isn't.
AINSWORTH
It is.
REAR END
Actually!
AINSWORTH
Yes.
REAR END
It's because we're thinking of
training as taxidermists and we
wanted to get a feel of it from
the animal's point of view.
AINSWORTH
Shut up. Look we're just asking
you if you have this man's right
leg ...
Pause.
If you took it!?
FRONT END
A wooden leg?
AINSWORTH
No, a proper leg. Look he was asleep
and someone or something removed his
leg.
FRONT END
Without waking him up?
AINSWORTH
Yes.
FRONT END
We don't believe you.
REAR END
We found the tiger skin in a bicycle
shop in Hyderabad and the owner wanted
it delivered to Rangoon so we said ...
AINSWORTH
Shut up. Now have you got his leg
or not ...
REAR END
Yes.
FRONT END
No. No no no.
AINSWORTH
Why did you say 'yes'?
FRONT END
I didn't.
AINSWORTH
I'm not talking to you ...
REAR END
Er ... er ...
AINSWORTH
Search the thicket.
FRONT END
Oh come on do we look like the sort
of men who'd creep into a camp at ...
night, steal into someone's tent,
tissue-type them, give tham an
anaesthetic, amputate the leg and
run off with it?
AINSWORTH
Search the thicket!
FRONT END
Oh leg! You're looking for a leg.
I think there is one in there actually.
Somebody must have abandoned it here,
knowing you were coming after it. we
stumbled over it actually and wondered
what it was, they'll be miles away by
now and I expect we'll have to take
all the blame.
PAKENHAM-WALSH
I think I heard something.
During this last exchange a NATIVE turns and leers at the
CAMERA, while the dialogue continues behind him. Then he
unzips his body to reveal a FULLY DRESSED WHITE ANNOUNCER
in dinner jacket and bow tie underneath.
ZULU KENNETH KENDALL
Welcome to the Middle of the Film.
37 CUT TO SUBURB AMAZING ANIMATION TITLES SEQUENCE ANNOUNCING 37
"THE MIDDLE OF THE FILM"
UP-BEAT MUSIC.
38 INT. TV STUDIO SET DAY STUDIO 38
CUT TO A LADY PRESENTER AT DESK WITH FLOWERS.
PRESENTER
Hello ... and welcome to the middle of
the film. This is the bit halfway
through the film equidistant from
beginning and end, or as near as makes
makes no difference, when we take time off
to discuss your personal and private
problems. Too often the film industry
is accused of irresponsibility or just
not caring, but in this film we have
the services of an international panel
of stars who have consented to give
their services and advice totally free
on all matters pertaining to modern
cinema ...
And our first question from you - the
audience - comes from a couple in Row
Z. Don't all turn round please!
These problems are confidential and
will be treated as such. Their problem
is quite a simple one. They write ...
"In many cinemas today the air is very
hot, but also very dry, and both of
us ... names supplied ... find that we
develop an ugly red rash during the
cinema-going process which can be
painful and embarassing ... We have
been told it's all psychological ...
Others say we should sit further
forward. What does the international
panel think?"
Well, first we went to New Mexico to
talk to Clint Eastwood about this.
39 EXT. NEW MEXICO DAY LOCATION 39
CLINT EASTWOOD
Well I was very sorry to hear that
these two have a problem with the
heating in cinemas. All I can say
is -
VOICE OVER
Five minutes, Mr Eastwood.
CLINT EASTWOOD
- that all buildings are different,
and that if the heating system at their
local cinema is problematic, perhaps
the answer is to try another cinema
where they may find the temperature
control more satisfactory.
40 INT. TV STUDIO SET DAY STUDIO 40
PRESENTER
Robert Redford in Hollywood.
41 EXT. HOLLYWOOD DAY LOCATION 41
ROBERT REDFORD
Well no-one likes to have a rash.
They can be irritating and
embarrassing, and obviously if
it interferes with their cinema
going, it's bad for us, it's bad
for them and it's bad for the seats.
I would suggest that they spoke to
the assistant manager of the cinema
(not the manager, obviously, because
he'll be very busy) speak to the
assistant manager and ask if there
is a heating duct or a radiator of
any kind near to Row Z. If indeed
there is, then our friends could
perhaps move away. But if it's a
thermostat controlling the entire
theatre area, thn this should be
examined by the assistant manager
to make sure it's ... operating
efficiently and not causing
discomfort owing to a fault in the
equipment.
42 INT. TV STUDIO SET DAY STUDIO 42
PRESENTER
Thank you Bob, good advice there.
Now to Switzerland where Julie
Andrews gives her advice.
43 EXT. SWITZERLAND DAY LOCATION 43
JULIE ANDREWS
I agree with Bob. If there is a
recurrent skin problem, and God
knows none of us enjoy having a
skin rash, if these people are
regular patrons then I think they
should put their heads together
with the assistant manager (and I
agree with Bob, don't bother the
manager himself over a problem like
this) and try and work something
out together. Believe me I know
the problem. When I was filming
The Sound Of Music I had a red -
44 INT. TV STUDIO SET DAY STUDIO 44
PRESENTER
Thank you Julie, Bob and Clint. I
hope that solves the problems of
Ken and Julia.
Well, we're almost at the end of the
Middle of the Film now, and time for
Screen Test - this is the moment where
we the film makers throw our screens
open to you the public and invite you
to come and display your talents on
the big silver screen alongside some
of your great heroes. Our first
entrant is Mr Kirby from Harrogate
and he does bird impressions.
45 PHOTO INSERT
Still photo of MR KIRBY.
PRESENTER (Cont)
Here he is in a scene with Charles
Bronson.
CUT TO
46 A STEAMY DEEP SOUTH FARMHOUSE DAY LOCATION 45
Birds chirruping. Suddenly the door is smashed and hacked to
splinters with an axe. BRONSON stands there.
BRONSON's lip curls contemptuously as he looks around. He
wears old trousers roughly tied up with a belt and a sweat-
stained dirty vest. He is sweating profusely.
He glares around, then steps out onto the verandah. His eyes
narrow. He walks slowly down the steps. He ventures out
onto the sun-baked patch in front of the house. He squints
his eyes against the heat of the sun. Cautiously he looks
around the barn, the horses in the corral, the well, the out-
houses. Suddenly his eyes catches something. He walks
stealthily but determinedly towards a water butt - as he gets
to it we see a figure crouching behind it. It is MR KIRBY.
BRONSON lifts him bodily up into the air and smashes him with
his fist sending him reeling across the farmyard into the
water trough. The bird noises stop. BRONSON listens.
CUT BACK TO THE PRESENTER
47 INT. TV STUDIO SET DAY STUDIO 47
PRESENTER
Our second young hopeful this
evening is Dorothy Wiseman from
Highgate.
48 PHOTO INSERT 48
Photo of young rather plain Jewish girl.
PRESENTER (Cont)
Dorothy's ambition is to appear in a
blue film.
49 INT. SEEDY BEDROOM DAY STUDIO 49
CUT TO BLACK AND WHITE (8mm). A rather seedy bedroom.
DOROTHY
I said a new film ... Really I did!
... Oh! Please! My father works in
a bank!
She disappears under a mound of heaving flesh.
50 INT. TV STUDIO SET DAY STUDIO 50
PRESENTER
And finally, the Middle of the Film
proudly presents Find the Fish, in
which we invite you the cinema
audience to guess where the fish is
in the following scene. If you think
you know, don't keep it to yourself -
YELL OUT - so that all the cinema can
hear.
51 EXT./INT. COUNTRY HOUSE DAY LOCATION 51
CUT TO A MAGNIFICENT PANORAMA OF AN ENGLISH COUNTRY HOUSE.
SPLENDID AND ELEGENT. WE TRACK SLOWLY IN THROUGH ITS
MASSIVE WINDOWS TO A VERY STRANGE SCENE.
A MAN with a big bow in his hair is sitting suspended in mid-
air by the fire. In the fire is a MAN crouching doing im-
pressions of fire, quite badly. The WOMAN wears a corset and
stockings but her face is blacked up with a white sambo mouth.
She is doing Chinese exercises. All the furniture is the wrong
size.
MAN
I wonder where that fish has gone.
WOMAN
You did love it so. You looked after
it like a son.
MAN
(strangely)
And it went wherever I did go.
WOMAN
Is it in the cupboard?
AUDIENCE
(on stereo)
Yes! No!
WOMAN
Wouldn't you like to know. It was a
lovely little fish.
MAN
(strangely)
And it went whenever I did go.
MAN IN AUDIENCE
(in stereo)
It's in the radio!
During the remainder of the scene with the MAN and WOMAN,
there are continuous shouts from the AUDIENCE: "Look under
the table. His trousers! Shut up! I can't hear the film!
Go and shout outside! Be quiet. Look, her bag! It's
part of the film. No it isn't! Look in the cupboard! Try
the fish bowl. Shut up!"
WOMAN
Where can that fish be?
MAN IN AUDIENCE
Have you thought of the drawers in
the bureau?
WOMAN
It is a most elusive fish.
MAN
(strangely)
And it went wherever I did go.
WOMAN
Oh fishy, fishy, fishy, fish.
MAN
Fish, fish, fish, fishy oh!
WOMAN
Oh fishy, fishy, fishy, fish.
MAN
(strangely)
And it went wherever I did go.
52 INT. TV STUDIO SET DAY STUDIO 52
CUT TO PRESENTER.
PRESENTER
Well that's all we have time for from
Find The Fish.
MAN IN AUDIENCE
Where was it?
PRESENTER
In the next Middle of the Film we'll
be having another look ...
MAN IN AUDIENCE
Where was the fish?
WOMAN IN AUDIENCE
Sh!
MAN IN AUDIENCE
I have a right to know!
WOMAN IN AUDIENCE
What does it matter where the fish
was?
MAN IN AUDIENCE
I just want to know where it was.
General murmurs of agreement from other members of the
audience as well as shouts of "Shut up!" and "Sit down!"
PRESENTER
(completely oblivious)
... So from me it's toodle-oo! And
on with the film proper!
MUSIC
CUT TO FILM
53 EXT. UNDERWATER IN FISH TANK DAY STUDIO/PROCESS 53
PYTHONS AS FISH (as in Scene 1).
AUDIENCE
There are the fish!
There they are!
CUT TO our FISH in the tank. FIVE of them
PYTHON FISH I
That was terrific!
PYTHON FISH II
Great!
PYTHON FISH III
Best bit so far.
PYTHON FISHES
Yeah! Absolutely ... ! Terrific!
Yeah! ...
Whistling. 'More' ... Pause.
PYTHON FISH V
Hasn't been much about the Meaning
of Life so far, has there ... ?
SEVERAL FISH
No ... not much ...
PYTHON FISH I
Well it's been building up to it.
PYTHON FISH II
Has it?
PYTHON FISH
Yeah, it'll be starting any moment
now.
PYTHON FISH
Personally I doubt very much whether
there'll be anything about it at all.
PYTHON FISH
Come on ... course there will ...
... it's just ... coming up I expect.
Yeah.
They swim around a bit.
PYTHON FISH
Not much happening at the moment, is
there ... ?
PYTHON FISH
What'll the next bit be ... ?
PYTHON FISH
Caption ... I ... expect.
PYTHON FISH
For the next stage of life ...
PYTHON FISH
Yeah. Of the life cycle ...
PYTHON FISH
Middle age ...
PYTHON FISH
Probably...
Pause ...
PYTHON FISH
Leaving it a bit long aren't they ... ?
54 CAPTION: MIDDLE AGE 54
PYTHON FISHES IN V/O
There you are. We were right. Told
you so.
55 INT. STUDIO 55
SCREEN GOES BLACK. We hear various clangs as of
doors sliding back. We make out dim shadows and hear the
occasional "Ooh" ... "Oh" ... "Hey!". Suddenly a door swings
back and light floods the screen.
56 INT. A GARISHLY DECORATED MODERN HOTEL BEDROOM DAY STUDIO 56
with a view of city skyscrapers outside.
TWO FIGURES come in. Reveal it's a MAN and a WOMAN, MR &
MRS HENDY, they are in up-to-date, bland, American-Internat-
ional clothes.
MRS HENDY
Oh that's marvellous ... look at that
view ...
ARAB
The poolside is open for lunch, or
if you prefer full a la carte, ring
24 for reservation in the Tutenkhamum
restaurant.
MR & MRS HENDY
Oh thank you, that's wonderful ...
They stand at the window.
MR HENDY
Oh look at this darling ...
He presses a button - the entire city skyscraper landscape
disappears and is replaced by a snowscape, glaciers and
lakes and mountains.
(Back projection plates 51a)
MRS HENDY
Oh that's wonderful ... I love Canada ...
MR HENDY
Me too darling ... I love everything ...
MRS HENDY
Me too ...
Phone rings ... MR HENDY answers.
MR HENDY
Hello ... yes ... oh ... yes ... no,
we haven't eaten yet ... yes ... oh ...
wow! ... really ... oh that's
marvellous ... yes ... wow thanks ...
MRS HENDY
What's that darling?
MR HENDY
Apparently there's been an outbreak
of cholera in the hotel ...
MRS HENDY
Oh no ... that's too bad ...
MR HENDY
But they don't think we'll have any
problem ...
MRS HENDY
Oh that's good ...
MR HENDY
Because we haven't eaten here yet.
They just ran up to warn us ...
MRS HENDY
Why that's marvellous ...
MR HENDY
Isn't that so nice ... It was that
nice girl on the reception ...
MRS HENDY
I think it's real hard luck to have
cholera break out in a place as nice
as this.
MR HENDY
That's what I think. But she says
the victims are all going to get
really well looked after - and the
ones that live are gonna be given a
free vacation at any Super-Inn Hotel,
anywhere in the world ...
MRS HENDY
Oh that's really nice ...
MR HENDY
She even told us what to avoid on
the menu. Most of the meat is
contaminated, but if we stick to
cheeseburger we'll be fine.
MRS HENDY
Well I wasn't very hungry myself ...
MR HENDY
Me neither ... well, I could use a
shower, and a freshen up ... then
maybe we could go and explore a
little ...
MRS HENDY
That sounds great ... I'll just empty
out the contents of my handbag and
have a look though ... okay?
MR HENDY
That ... that's a great idea ...
He goes into the bathroom, she looks through her handbag,
humming tunelessly, then she plays around with various
awful mock gadgets, bits of every period of furnishings ...
She 'mms and ah's and really appreciates it all. Sound of
water running, then being turned off. Husband reappears.
MRS HENDY
Feel better ... ?
MR HENDY
Yeah ... they have 2 showers you know that?
MRS HENDY
Two, that's great.
MR HENDY
Yeah. There was a dead guy in one
of them, so it meant I could still
take a shower.
MRS HENDY
Oh that's good.
MR HENDY
You know ... they really take trouble
here ... the guy who was dead had
obviously been stabbed a lot and you
know how some places would have just
left him there bleeding all over the
place ...
MRS HENDY
Yeah right ... some hotels would ...
MR HENDY
Well here he's all been gutted and
sewn up and he's in a plastic bag
and there's a little note with it ...
He hands her a note.
Look at that ...
MRS HENDY
(reads)
"We are sorry that you have a corpse
in your bathroom. We will do all we
can to have him removed by nightfall
... Have a nice day."
Now that's what I can service.
MR HENDY
Me too. What's in your bag today,
honey?
MRS HENDY
Oh just the usual things ... pocket-
book, powder-case, couple of sticks
of eye-shadow, packets of gun, diary
... 38 tampons ...
MR HENDY
38 Tampons ... ?
MRS HENDY
Yeah I was given a couple of boxes
free when we checked in ...
MR HENDY
Oh that's real nice.
MRS HENDY
Yeah, that's what I thought ... real
kind ... I was just signing my name
in when she said "How old are you?"
I said, I'm 46 ... she said "are you
still menstruating?" I said sure ...
MR HENDY
Right!
MRS HENDY
She gave me these little boxes ...
compliments of the Super-Inn ... look
at that ... isn't that cute?
MR HENDY
(reading from lid of
box)
"Have a nice month" ... that's real
good ...
MRS HENDY
Yeah, I love this place ...
MR HENDY
Me too ... let's take a walk shall
we.
57 INT. HOTEL LOBBY DAY LOCATION? 57
CUT TO THE HOTEL LOBBY. Busy, efficient MEN with walkie-
talkies mingle with lost GUESTS and PORTERS.
OUR COUPLE emerge from the elevator. They stand in their
ill-fitting plastic clothes awkwardly on the polished floor.
A GIRL in a piled-up wig and full crinoline and clipboard
approaches them. She wears a plastic button: "M'lady
Joeline".
GIRL
Hi! How are you?
MR HENDY
Oh we're just fine.
GIRL
Well that's good.
MR HENDY
How's the cholera problem coming along?
GIRL
Oh just fine ... I think we got it
licked ...
MR HENDY
That's great because it's a real nasty
thing to have happen in a hotel ...
GIRL
Right ... cholera's no fun ... Why,
did you know that in the 19th century
cholera accounted for 12 million deaths
in Europe alone ...
MR HENDY
Is that so?
GIRL
Right ... So you can see how keen we
are to get it here ... Right now, we
need cholera like a hole in the head.
MR & MRS HENDY
(laughing)
Right!
GIRL
So what sort of food you like to eat
this evening?
MR HENDY
Well we sort of like pineapple don't
we ... ?
MRS HENDY
Yeah, we really love pineapples.
MR HENDY
Anything with pineapples is great for
us ... huh?
GIRL
Well, how about the Dungeon Room.
MR HENDY
That sounds fine ...
GIRL
It's real Hawaiian food in a medieval
English dungeon atmosphere ...
MRS HENDY
That sounds fine.
CUT TO
58 INT. RESTAURANT DAY STUDIO 58
THE RESTAURANT. Dark, full of torture instruments, stocks,
Chamber of Horrors stuff.
They sit down. A WAITRESS dressed in a grotesque travesty of
a Beefeater's outfit, all black tights and cleavage, comes up.
WAITRESS
Hello, I'm Diana, I'm your waitress
for tonight ...
MR HENDY
I'm Mr Hendy.
MRS HENDY
I'm Mrs Hendy ...
MR AND MRS HENDY
(together)
... we're your guests for tonight!
WAITRESS
Where are you from?
MR AND MRS HENDY
We're from 259.
MR HENDY
Where are you from?
WAITRESS
(pointing to kitchen)
I'm from out of those doors over
there...
MR HENDY
Right.
MRS HENDY
Great ...
WAITRESS
(reaching across to
central serving table)
Here's your Iced Water ...
MRS HENDY
Oh thank you ...
WAITRESS
Coffee ...
MR HENDY
Thank you very much ...
WAITRESS
T.V. ... ?
MR HENDY
Oh yeah ... that's fine ...
MRS HENDY
Yeah that's real nice ...
WAITRESS dumps a T.V. on the table.
MR HENDY
Me too.
WAITRESS
Ketchup ...
MR HENDY
Thank you ...
She puts ketchup on the table.
MRS HENDY
Thank you ...
WAITRESS
Telephone ...
MR HENDY
Telephone ... ?
WAITRESS
You can phone any other table in the
restaurant after 6 ...
MR HENDY
Oh that's great ...
MRS HENDY
Some choice ...
MR HENDY
Right ...
WAITRESS
O.K. ... D'you want any food with your
meal?
MR HENDY
Well, what d'you have?
WAITRESS
Well we have things shaped like that
in green or we have things shaped
like this in brown ...
MR HENDY
What d'you think darling?
MRS HENDY
Well it is our anniversary night ...
MR HENDY
Yeah ... what the hell ... we'll have
a couple of things shaped like that
in brown please ...
WAITRESS
Fine sir ... thank you ...
(she writes)
... 2 brown Number 259 ... and will
you be having intercourse tonight ... ?
MR HENDY
Er ... do we have to decide now ... ?
MRS HENDY
It's a nice idea ... lovely ... why
not ...
MR HENDY
Yeah, right ... could be fun ...
WAITRESS
(writing on check,
then looking up)
Are you Catholic in any way?
MR HENDY
No we're a Protestant couple.
She takes out a condom and slaps it on the table.
WAITRESS
That'll be 15 dollars extra ...
MR HENDY
(with a nervous laugh)
Well ... it's too late to change
now ...
WAITRESS
Right ...
She tears off the check and sticks it under the television
on the table ...
MR HENDY
Oh, thanks.
WAITRESS
You're welcome ...
She leaves.
MRS HENDY
(gazing around)
I love it here ...
MR HENDY
Me too.
MRS HENDY
Right ...
A long pause as they sit, smiling vacantly; then they look
up as a WINE-WAITER-LIKE FIGURE appears.
WAITER
Good evening ... would you care for
something to talk about?
He hands them a menu card with a list of subjects on.
MR HENDY
Oh that's wonderful.
MRS HENDY
(looking at card)
Mm ... right!
WAITER
Our special tonight is politics ...
MR HENDY
Oh that sounds interesting ...
MRS HENDY
What's this here ... ?
WAITER
Oh that's football ... you can talk
about the Eagles v. Dodgers game,
Saturday ... or you can reminisce
about great World Series games -
MRS HENDY
No ...
MR HENDY
What's this one ...
WAITER
That's philosophy.
MRS HENDY
Is that a sport?
WAITER
No, it's more of an attempt to contruct
a viable hypothesis to explain the
Meanig of Life.
59 INT. FISH TANK DAY STUDIO 59
CUT BACK to FISH in tank, there is one less of them. They
prick their fins up.
60 INT. RESTAURANT DAY LOCATION? 60
CUT BACK to HENDYS in restaurant.
MR HENDY
Yeah ... sure ... that would be
interesting ... Would you like to
talk about the Meaning of Life,
honey ...
MR HENDY
Sure, why not?
WAITER
Philosophy for two?
MR HENDY
Right ...
WAITER
(making out check)
Room?
MR HENDY
259.
WAITER marks bill, tears it off, and put it under the TV
and is about to go.
Er ... excuse me, how do we er ... ?
WAITER
Oh, you want me to start you off?
MR HENDY
We'd appreciate that ...
MRS HENDY
Right ...
WAITER
O.K. ...
(thinks for a moment)
D'you ever wonder just why you're
here?
They look at each other.
MR HENDY
Well ... we went to Miami last year
and er California the year before
that, and we've done most of -
WAITER
No, no ... I mean why we're here.
On this planet?
MR HENDY
(emphatically)
Oh no!
WAITER
Have you ever wanted to know what
it's all about?
MR HENDY looks at MRS HENDY a little uncertainly.
MR HENDY
(guardedly)
... N ... n ... nope.
WAITER
Well, throughout history there have
been men and women who have tried to
find the solution to the mystery of
existance.
MRS HENDY
Great.
WAITER
And we term such people "philosophers".
MRS HENDY
That's what we're talking about!
WAITER
Right!
MRS HENDY
That's neat!
WAITER
Well you look as though you've got
the idea, so why don't I leave you
these two conversation cards - they'l
tell you little about philosophical
method, names of great -
MRS HENDY
What's "philosophical"?
WAITER
It's the abjective [sic] from philosophy ...
MRS HENDY
Oh right! Like a "windy" day ...
WAITER
You got it! So there you are
(he hands them two
smaller cards)
Hope you enjoy your conversation.
He leaves.
MR HENDY
Thank you!
MRS HENDY
He's cute.
They sit and look at the cards, then rather formally and
uncetainly MRS HENDY opens the conversation.
I didn't know Schopenhauer was a
philosopher ...
MR HENDY
Why sure ... He's the one that begins
with 'S'.
MRS HENDY
Oh yes ...
MR HENDY
Huh huh ...
(pause)
... like Nietzsche ...
MRS HENDY
Does Nietzsche begin with an S?
MR HENDY
There's an S in Nietzsche ...
MRS HENDY
Wow! Yeah! Do all philosophers have
an S in them?
MR HENDY
I think most of them do.
MRS HENDY
Wow! ... Does that mean Selina Jones
is a philosopher?
MR HENDY
Yeah ... maybe she is ... She sings
about the Meaning of Life.
MRS HENDY
Yeah, but she doesn't write her own
material I don't think.
MR HENDY
Maybe Schopenhauer writes her material?
MRS HENDY
No .. I think it's Burt Bacharach ...
MR HENDY
There's no 'S' in Burt Bacharach ...
MRS HENDY
... Or in Hal David ...
MR HENDY
Who's Hal David?
MRS HENDY
He write the lyrics, Burt just
writes the tune ...
MR HENDY
Oh ...
Long pause. MR HENDY eventually raises his hand:
Waiter!
The CONVERSATION WAITER comes over.
WAITER
Yes sir?
MR HENDY
This conversation isn't very good.
WAITER
I'm sorry sir ... would you like to
try something else? We do have today
a conversation which is not on the
menu ... it's a sort of speciality of
the house you understand, and this
involves two people talking to one
another about themselves very
sincerely.
MR HENDY
Yeah?
WAITER
I mean really talking ... revealing
all their innermost feelings to each
other, stripped bare of hypocrisy and
evasion, lies and half-truths -
MR HENDY
I don't think we'd like that ...
MRS HENDY
No ...
WAITER
O.K. Well there's Show Business,
Insurance, er ... Live Organ
Transplants -
MR HENDY
Live organ transplants, what's that?
61 CUT TO CAPTION: MIDDLE AGE 61
PART II
LIVE ORGAN TRANSPLANTS
62 INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE COMPOSITE DAY STUDIO 62
CUT TO SUBURBAN PRESENT DAY HOUSE INTERIOR.
(POSSIBLY ALL HAVE RASTA HAIRCUTS?)
A door bell chimes "Ding-Dong".
MR BLOKE
(as he walks through
neat little hallway
with picture of
Emperor Haile Selassie
in bas-relief on the
wall)
I'll get it dear!
He opens the door. TWO BIG ROUGH MEN stand outside ...
1ST MAN
Hello, may we have your liver please ...
BLOKE
My what?
1ST MAN
Your liver ... large glandular organ
in your abdomen ... it's reddish-
brown and it's sort of -
BLOKE
Yes, I know what it is, but I'm using
it.
2ND MAN
(looking in cupboard)
Come on sir ... don't muck us about ...
They move in.
BLOKE
Hey!
They shut door behind him.
1ST MAN makes grab at his coat ... rather roughly pulls out
a wallet, ruffles through it, casting aside papers etc., he
doesn't want.
1ST MAN
Ah ha ... what's this then ... ?
BLOKE
It's a liver donor's card.
1ST MAN
Dead right ... Your hour has come
sonny boy.
BLOKE
Look, I can't give you it now ... it
says "In The Event of Death" ...
1ST MAN
Listen, no-one who has their liver
taken out by us survives ...
2ND MAN is ruffling around in a bag of clanking tools.
2ND MAN
Just lie down. It won't take a
minute.
THE MAN is lain on the dining room table, and 2ND MAN scrabbles
in the bag, producing a saw and some knives. At that moment,
kitchen door open ...
LADY
'Ere what's going on?
1ST MAN
He's donating his liver, madam ...
They start operating. Screams from the MAN ...
BLOKE
Aarrgh ... oh! aaargh ... ow! Ow!
We don't see what's going on but 2ND MAN keeps delving in the
stomach and pulling his bits out.
LADY
Is this because he took out one of
those silly cards ...
1ST MAN
That's right madam.
BLOKE
Ow! Oooh! Oohh! Oh ... oh ... God
... Aargh aargh ...
LADY
Typical of him. He goes down the
public library - sees a few signs
up ... comes home all full of good
intentions. He gives blood ... he
does cold research ... all that sort
of thing.
BLOKE
Aaaagh ... oh ... aaarghh!
LADY
What d'you do with them all anyway?
2ND MAN
They all go to saving lives madam.
BLOKE
Aaaaargh! Oh ... ow! Oh ... Oh my
God!
LADY
That's what he used to say ... it's
all for the good of the country.
BLOKE
Aaaargh! ... Ow! Ooh!
LADY
Do you think it's for the good of the
country?
1ST MAN
I don't know, madam .. we just do
the job you know ...
BLOKE
Owwwwweeeeeeeeh! Ow!
LADY
... You're not doctors then?
1ST MAN
Oh! ... blimey no ... !
2ND MAN grins and raises his eyes as he digs around in the
(unseen) stomach.
A head comes around the door ... It's a YOUNG MAN
YOUNG MAN
Mum, Dad ... I'm off out ... see you
at seven ...
LADY
Righto son ...
BLOKE
Aaargh ... ow! Oh ... aaargh aargh!
LADY
D'you want some tea ... ?
1ST MAN
That would be very nice yeah ...
She takes him into kitchen ... shuts the door. She
bustles about preparing the tea ...
You know that ... he has to be dead
... by the terms of the card ...
before we take the liver.
LADY
I told him that .. but he never
listens ... silly man.
1ST MAN
Well ... I wondered what you were
thinking of doing after that ... I
mean ... will you stay on your own
or ... is there anyone else ...
sort of ... on the horizon ...
LADY
Oh me ... no ... I'm too old now.
I'm past my prime ...
1ST MAN
Not at all ... you're a very
attractive woman.
LADY
(laughs a little)
... Well ... I'm certainly not
thinking of getting hitched up
again ...
1ST MAN
Sure?
LADY
... Sure.
1ST MAN
(coming a little
closer)
Can we have your liver then?
LAST SCREAM from outside.
Shout from MAN 2.
2ND MAN (V.O.)
He's donated it.
LADY
No ... I don't want to die.
1ST MAN
Oh go on there's nothing to it.
It's pefectly natural.
LADY
I'd be scared.
1ST MAN
Oh listen to this.
A MAN IN EVENING DRESS emerges from behind the fridge which
he's been mending.
MAN IN EVENING DRESS
Whenever life gets you down
And things seem hard or rough
And people are daft or unpleasant or bad
And you feel that you've had quite enough
He starts to sing. LADY looks embarrassed at first, then she
relaxes and begins to dream. Back of house falls down whilst
we drift away into outer space.
63 EXT. OUTER SPACE STUDIO 63
MAN IN EVENING DRESS (Cont)
Remember that you're standing on a planet
That's revolving at 900 miles an hour
That's orbiting at 19 miles a second
Around a Sun that is the source of all
our power.
This sun and our earth with it, so it's
reckoned,
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at 40,000 miles
an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way.
This galaxy itself and our sun with it
And every other star that we can see
At half a million miles an hour is belting
Round the centre of Milky Galaxy.
And our Galaxy is only one of millions
That's 100,000 light years side to side
All expanding outwards from each other
At several thousand miles a second so
they never can collide.
The Universe itself keeps on expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of
light you know
At 12 million miles a minute, which is
the fastest speed there is.
So remember when you're feeling very
small and insecure
Your life itself is so unlikely on the
planet of your birth
And just pray that there's intelligent
life somewhere up in space
Because there's bugger all on here on earth.
THE ETHEREAL AND MAGICAL SPACE ANIMATION ENDS SHARPLY.
64 INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE COMPOSITE DAY STUDIO 64
CUT back to LADY and FIRST MAN in kitchen. MAN IN EVENING
DRESS has just finished singing the song about the vastness
of the Universe.
LADY
Makes you feel so insignificant,
doesn't it?
1ST MAN
Can we have your liver then?
LADY
Alright you talked me into it.
65 ANIMATION 65
CUT TO ANIMATED COMMERCIAL
FOR
THE MEANING OF LIFE UNDERARM ROLL-ON
DEODORANTS AND OTHER TOILET REQUISITES.
66 INT. EXECUTIVE BOARDROOM 66
Maybe HALF A DOZEN high-ranking EXECUTIVES are sitting
around a very impressive boardroom table, discussing the
commercial they have just seen.
NOTE: The dialogue will therefore be substantially differ-
ent from what follows but for the moment we'll leave this
dialogue as is.
JACK
When you consider the vastness of
the Universe - in relation to our
project, it does seem to me ...
MAX
May I interpose an interrogative
at this moment in time?
SUBTITLE: Can I ask something?
BOSS
I have no problems in that area.
SUBTITLE: Yes.
MAX
Well my whole philosophy on this
deal is that it is a whole other
ball game to interface the vastness
of the Universe with our product
at this moment in time, at this
moment in time.
SUBTITLE: I think it's a mistake to compare our product with
the vastness of the Universe just now, just now.
MAX
... and that the whole thrust of our
campaign, from where I see it, should
be to promote the image ...
SUBTITLE: and that we should lie
... that our product is, in matter
of actual fact, vaster than the
Universe.
SUBTITLE: so that people think our product is bigger than
the Universe.
There is a PAUSE. The CAMERA PANS ROUND the rather dumb-
founded faces of the EXECUTIVES. They glance uneasily from
one to the other, muttering "Huh! Huh! Yes ... Huhuh!"
and nodding vigorously.
SUBTITLE: He's talking bullshit.
BOSS
Harry ... now do you see what Max
has said, er .. from where
you sit?
SUBTITLE: Max is talking bullshit, isn't he, Harry?
HARRY
I er ... I er ...
SUBTITLE: Oh God! I knew you'd ask me!
I er ... I er ... I er ...
SUBTITLE: Oh God! Please don't let me say anything wrong
or foolish.
BOSS
(laughing)
O.K. Harry, take it easy now ...
SUBTITLE: Harry, you're fired!
ROBERT
Can I come in there for a moment?
SUBTITLE: Since you've just fired Harry, how about giving
me Harry's job?
BOSS
(slight hesitation)
Sure ... if you really want to,
Robert ...
SUBTITLE: Get lost, Robert - it's going to my nephew.
ROBERT
Well I guess this is a whole new can
of worms Max has opened up here, and
in terms of on-going situations, I
would point out that the Universe has
vastly more exploitation potential
than our product. So let's exploit
it!
SUBTITLE: You bastard.
BOSS
Right, I like your thinking there,
Robert!
SUBTITLE: I think it's incredible that me, an escaped
Nazi war criminal could still be around in 1982 and
heading a major American corporation!
JACK
Why stop at one universe, sir?
SUBTITLE: Atlanta's burning! Don't you understand?
MAX
Yeah ... let's think big! What's
one universe to a company like this?
... I mean we have forward planning
potential here which could realise
huge savings on a multi-universe
deal ...
SUBTITLE: What are you suddenly quoting Gone With The Wind
for, Jack?
Suddenly a drawer from a filing cabinet flies through the
window, smashing the glass, and papers fly in all directions.
ALL
Jesus Christ!
CHRIST comes out of a cupboard.
JESUS CHRIST
Yes?
BOSS
No no no! We're just exclaiming ...
CHRIST looks blank.
BOSS
Using your name in vain.
JESUS CHRIST
Oh yes, of course, sorry.
He withdraws.
Another filing cabinet drawer smashes through the window.
BOSS
What the ... ?
They ALL gather round the two objects. Suddenly HARRY taps
the BOSS on the shoulder.
HARRY
(stumbling and
stuttering)
Er, Mr Chairman, sir ... I know this
sounds kinda silly but ... er ...
well ... was that building there as
of 6 minutes ago?
SUBTITLE: Oh Rhett! Darling Rhett! I've been so horrid
to you!
HARRY nods to a window and we see a building right up against
it.
MAX
Er ... look!
He points to the window on the other side. They ALL turn to
see another building approaching or sliding into position
outside.
ALL
Gulp!
Suddenly there is more smashing of glass behind them, and
half a dozen ELDERLY BUSINESSMEN swing through the windows
with swords in their teeth. Much breaking of glass, etc.
BOSS
Oh my God!
67 CUT TO ANIMATION GOD LOOKS OUT OF CLOUD 67
BIG BOOMING VOICE FROM SKY
Yes?
68 INT. EXECUTIVE BOARDROOM DAY STUDIO 68
CUT BACK TO BOARDROOM.
BOSS
It's the Crimson Pearl Assurance!
69 CUT TO TITLES: 69
THE CRIMSON PEARL
ASSURANCE!
A TALE OF PIRACY ON THE HIGH SEAS OF FINANCE
The following sequence is MIXED ANIMATED MODELS AND LIVE
ACTION (Terry G to supply).
70 ACCOUNTANTCY 70
ACCOUNTANCY SHANTY
I chartered an accountant at the age of
twenty one
Oh scribble away and balance the books
and sing an accountancy shanty
We'll cover you against fire and flood
Whey ho accountancy
But not riot war nor act of God
Whey ho accountancy
Over a period of thirty years
Whey ho accountancy
Unless of course you're in arrears
Whey ho and up your premium.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[There then follows eleven pages of Gilliam penned storyboards
for The Crimson Pearl Assurance.]
THE CRIMSON
PEARL
ASSURANCE
Title superimposed over billowing sails.
A TALE OF PIRACY
ON THE
HIGH SEAS
OF
FINANCE!!
Pull out
ACME CLEANING
Continue pulling out revaling sails to be stone-cleaners tarpolins [sic] hung on scaffolding.
IN THE BLEAK DAYS
OF 1981, AS ENGLAND
LANGUISHED IN THE
DOLDRUMS OF A RUINOUS
MONETARIST POLICY -
THE GOOD & LOYAL MEN
OF THE PEARL ASSURANCE
COMPANY - A ONCE PROUD FAMILY
FIRM RECENTLY FALLEN ON
HARD TIMES - STRAINED
UNDER THE YOKE OF
THEIR OPPRESSIVE NEW
MANAGMENT ...
(OWNERS)
Stirring music over this roller.
PAN-GLOBAL
HOLDINGS
UN-L72
TIME-MOTION
STUDY
Rhythmic rocking back and forth by the clerks
as they bend to their aged
adding machines - the time-motion men stroll up & down.
Time-motion paces forward
revealing slaving hot disgrunted clerk
His POV of backs rocking
back & forth in rhythmn [sic] - zoom into
manager at their tape machine
Lock off camera so the manager suddenly changes into galley captain - the tickertape
cracks like a whip
The clerks are now galley slaves
straining to their oars which extend
out the windows. Office now dressed like galley.
As slave master passes - transformed back to reality
Surreptitious glances of agreed disgruntlement
O/S voice "That's it Evans! ..... "You're fired, NOW!!" "But .." ..
"Let's go!"
And now!! A series of shots
of grabbing the managers
etc. as the clerks
MUTINY!!
Manager tied up with tickertape
Sealing managers into the
vault
camera
around &
pull out
& back
Forcing managers to walk
the desk
Diving out of window
to escape
"Into the rigging lads"
Window thrown open - clerks climb out
Stone cleaners at work
suprised to see clerks on scaffolding
Tarpolin ties are cut
Tarpolins billow
Weigh the anchor!!
Weigh the anchor!!
Weigh the anchor
Weigh the anchor!!!
Chain tautens
Paving stone groans
And then ..... RIP!!
Sails (tarpolins) fill with
wind
Building starts to move
as bridges & masonry fall
The building glides thru shot
Building sails away
V/O And so the Crimson Pearl
Assurance was launched upon the seas of international high finance
O/S voice: Captain - look!! ..... To starboard!!
V/O "There it was: The rich prize they sought"-
V/O - "A financial district crammed with fat bloated multinationals, smug self-satified
conglomerates and merchant banks - their
coffers swollen with the wealth
of the indies and old age pensioners'
life savings"
And now ... to get this storyboard into the script we shall
stop fucking about & throw these sketches together as fact as possible
- so much for art
"Battle stations"
Sliding down scaffolding
Files pushed into position
- lined up to the windows
spins wheel
Building wheels to starboard
bringing massed file cabinets at each window
broadside to camera
"FIRE!!"
Files are pushed back into
position as others fire &
recoil from the windows
"Right lads - now let's show
them some really smart
business practices!!"
Throwing grappling hooks
Grappling hooks fly across
gap and catch on building
They swing out
Crash! We're now back in the
previous sketch as the
Crimson Pearl Assurance pirates
crash thru windows
"The Crimson Pearl Assurance"
One of the execs grabs
sword from company crest
Hand to hand combat
as swords clash
THE BATTLE RAGES
WITH DETAILS TO
FOLLOW
More files
fired
Papers swirling
as fighting rages
Light is fading
|NIGHT BATTLE| V/O "And so the battle raged then the night until ..."
Light flickering on Captain as explosions continue
V/O "As the dawn broke - the once proud
financial giants lay in ruins - their
assets stripped - their policies in tatters"
(The Accountancy Chanty [sic]
is heard)
"I chartered an accountant at the age of ..
... "Whey ho accountancy
Unless of course you're in arrears
Whey ho & ...
.. & up your premium"
V/O And so... they sailed off
into the ledgers of history - one
by one the financial capitals crumbling under
the might of their business
acumen - or so it would have
been .. if certain modern theories
concerning the shape of the
world had not proved to be ...
... disastrously wrong.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
71 ANIMATION 71
END OF THE CRIMSON PEARL ASSURANCE SEQUENCE. LONG SHOT
of buildings sailing off towards the horizon. They sail
towards huge stone letters outlined against the sky which read:
THE MEANING OF LIFE
The ships drop over the edge of the world. The letters
rise up in space.
Once against the black of space they glow. Then a hatch opens
and a LITTLE SPACE SHIP comes out and sign-writes in a vapor
trail:
Part V:
Then a SPACEMAN climbs out and nails up a hanging sign which
reads:
The Autumn Years
72 EXT. ELEGANT STREET DAY LOCATION 72
CUT TO an ELEGANT STREET, most of which is taken up with
MR CREOSOTE (an enormously fat man - no, I mean much fatter
than you were thinking just then ... I mean he is so fat that
a certain amount of his stomach is propped on a small cart
and wheeled around in front of him. His buttocks drag along
the floor behind him). He enters a RESTAURANT.
73 INT. FISH TANK DAY STUDIO 73
CUT BACK to the FISH looking expectantly outwards.
PYTHON FISH I
Oh shit! It's Mr Creosote.
They all disappear with five flicks of the tail.
74 INT. ELEGANT RESTAURANT DAY STUDIO 74
PULL BACK from their tank into restaurant ... Enter MR
CREOSOTE. He is greeted by the smiling MAITRE D. It is a
very well-heeled restaurant. A MAN tinkles away on a piano.
He wears evening dress.
MAITRE D
Ah good morning, sir, and how are we
today?
MR CREOSOTE
Better ...
MAITRE D
Better?
MR CREOSOTE
Better get a bucket I'm going to
throw up.
MAITRE D
Gascon! The bucket for monsieur!
They seat him at his usual table. A gleaming silver bucket
is placed beside him and he leans over and throws up into it.
NOEL COWARD SONG
Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong
It's swell to have a stiffy
It's divine to own a dick
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world's biggest prick
Never mind about the size of it
Just make it hard and quick.
So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend
Your percy or your cock
You can wrap it up in ribbons
You can slip it in your sock
But don't take it out in public
Or they will stick you in the dock
And you wont come back.
MAITRE D. claps his hands and the bucket is whisked away.
MR CREOSOTE
I haven't finished!
GASCON
Oh! Pardon! Monsieur ... A thousand
pardons.
(puts bucket back)
MAITRE D. produces the menu as MR CREOSOTE continues spewing.
MAITRE D
We have monsieur's favourite on the
menu this afternoon - jugged hare. It
is very high, and the sauce is very
rich with truffles, brandy and cream.
MR CREOSOTE pauses. MAITRE D claps his hands and signs to
GASCON, who whisks away the bucket.
MR CREOSOTE
There's still more.
GASCON rapidly replaces the bucket.
MAITRE D
Allow me! A new bucket for monsieur,
Gascon.
MAITRE D picks the bucket up and hands it over to GASCON.
CREOSOTE leans over and throws up onto the floor.
MAITRE D
And the cleaning woman.
GASCON hurries off. MAITRE D takes care to avoid the vomit
and places the menu in front of CREOSOTE.
And now would monsieur care for an
aperitif?
CREOSOTE vomits over the menu. It is covered.
Or would you prefer to order straight
away, for the Appitizers we have ...
er ... excuse me ...
MAITRE D leans over and wipes away the sick with his hand so
that the words of the menu are readable.
... moules marinieres, pate de foie
gras, eggs Benedictine, tarte de
poireaux - leek tart ... or simply
some vegetable soup?
MR CREOSOTE
I'll have everything.
MAITRE D
A wise choice, monsieur! How would
you like it? Mixed up in a bucket?
MR CREOSOTE
Yes. With the eggs on top.
MAITRE D
But of course monsieur!
MR CREOSOTE
And don't skimp on the pate.
MAITRE D
Oh I can assure you, monsieur, just
because it is mixed up with the
other things we would not dream of
giving you less than the full amount.
In fact I will personally make sure it
is a double helping. And to drink?
MR CREOSOTE
Three bottle of red wine.
MAITRE D
Very good, and the usual beers?
MR CREOSOTE
I think I could only manage six today.
MAITRE D
Tut tut tut! I hope you have not
been overdoing it last night monsieur?
MR CREOSOTE
Shut up!
MAITRE D
Ah the new bucket and the cleaning
woman.
GASCON arrives. CLEANING WOMAN gets down on hands and knees.
CREOSOTE vomits over her.
CUT TO GUESTS at another table getting up to go. MAITRE D
approaches.
MAITRE D
Is there something wrong with the
food, monsieur?
MAITRE D indicates the table of half-eaten main courses. The
GUESTS shrink from his vomit-covered hand. MAITRE D realises
and shakes a little off. It hits another GUEST who wipes his
eye.
GUEST
Oh no! It's ... excellent food ...
MAITRE D
Are you not happy with the service?
GUEST
Er no ... no ... no complaints.
GUEST'S WIFE
It's just we have to go - um - I'm ...
I'm having rather a heavy period.
A slight embarassed silence while the REST of the PARTY look
at her.
GUEST
And ... er ... we ... have a train to
catch.
GUEST'S WIFE
(as if covering her
previous gaffe)
Oh! Yes! Yes ... of course! We
have a train to catch ... and I don't
want to start bleeding over the seats.
An awkward pause. MAITRE D gropes for words.
GUEST
I think we should be off ...
They start to go. MAITRE D follows.
MAITRE D
Very good, monsieur - I hope you will
visit us again ...
He pauses - realises he has trodden in CREOSOTE's bucket.
... I'm sorry ... I've trodden in
monsieur's bucket.
They have gone. MAITRE D claps.
MAITRE D
Another bucket for Monsieur ...
CREOSOTE is sick down MAITRE D's trousers.
And perhaps a hose ...
Someone at another table gently throws up.
COMPANION
Max, really!
Then they look up, soneone [sic] else has really thrown up all over
the place.
MR CREOSOTE has gobbled the lot. MAITRE D offers MR CREOSOTE
a wafer thin mint.
MAITRE D
And finally - a wafer thin mint, sir?
MR CREOSOTE
No.
MAITRE D
Oh sir! Just one tiny little thin one.
MR CREOSOTE
Fuck off - I'm full ...
(belches)
MAITRE D
Sir ... it's only wafer thin.
MR CREOSOTE
Look -I can't eat any more. I'm
absolutely stuffed. Bugger off.
MAITRE D
Oh sir ... just one ...
MR CREOSOTE
Oh alright. Just one.
MAITRE D
Just the one, sir ...
MR CREOSOTE somehow manages to stuff it into his mouth and
then swallows. There is an ominous splitting sound. MR
CREOSOTE looks rather helpless and then he explodes, covering
WAITERS, DINERS and TECHNICIANS in a truly horrendous mix of
half digested food, entrails and parts of his body.
75 CAPTION 75
THE MEANING OF LIFE
Part VI: Death
76 INT. ELEGANT RESTAURANT DAY STUDIO 76
CUT BACK to the restaurant. The debris of MR CREOSOTE is
still scattered over the room, and DINERS. PEOPLE are clearing
themselves up as best they can.
The TWO MEN from Liver Donor appear and spot CREOSOTE's liver.
MAN
We'll have that!
They disappear.
THE CAMERA TRACKS IN on the MAITRE D who is standing by the
EX-MR CREOSOTE's table.
The CLEANING WOMAN is still on her knees on the floor and the
MAITRE D is still cleaning himself off as best he can.
The MAITRE D talks to the CLEANING WOMAN.
MAITRE D
You know, Maria, I sometimes wonder
whether we'll ever discover the meaning
of it all working in a place like this.
MARIA looks around at the restaurant and shrugs.
MARIA
I've worked in worse places ...
philosophy speaking.
MAITRE D
Really , Maria?
MARIA
Oh yes ... I once worked in the
Acadamie Francaise
But it never did me any good at all ...
And I once worked in the library of
the Prado in Madrid,
But it didn't teach me nothing, I
recall ...
At this point she starts to get rather carried away and rises
to her feet and relapses into rhetorical verse.
I once worked in the Hermitage in good
old Leningrad,
But any glimpse of intuition there I
never had.
In the Deutsche Bucherei I've spent
many busy days,
But my memories of what I learnt there
now are just a haze.
And the Library of Congress you'd have
thought would hold some key ...
But it didn't. And neither did the
Bodleian Library.
In the old British Museum I tried to
find some clue,
I worked there from 9 till 6 - read
every volume through.
But I never found out nothing about
Life's mystery ...
I just kept getting older, and it got
more difficult to see.
Until eventually my eyes went and me
arthritis got bad,
And so I'm cleaning up in here - but
I can't be really sad,
Cause you see I feel that Life's a game
You sometimes win or lose,
And though I may be down right now
At least I don't work for Jews ...
The MAITRE D pours the bucket over her head and turns to
CAMERA looking most upset.
MAITRE D
Oh! I'm so sorry ... I did not know
there was a racist among us ... I
do apologise ... most sincerely ...
Oh ... tut tut ...
CAMERA PANS off the MAITRE D. and alights on GASCON, who is
standing there with a full bucket. He shrugs and looks at
the CAMERA.
GASCON
As for me ... if you want to know what
I think ...
(shrugs and regards
CAMERA for a few
moments)
I'll show you something.
77 EXT. ELEGANT STREET DAY LOCATION 77
He nods to the CAMERA and walks out of the restaurant and
the CAMERA follows him ...
78 EXT. TOWN STREET DAY LOCATION 78
He walks through the town (his trouser leg and shoe is still
covered with sick).
79 EXT. SUBURBAN STREETS DAY LOCATION 79
He walks through the suburbs.
80 EXT. COUNTRY ROADS DAY LOCATION 80
He walks through the country. The countryside gets more
and more idyllic.
81 EXT. THATCHED COTTAGE DAY LOCATION 81
Eventually GASCON comes over a hill and nods down to a
LITTLE THATCHED COTTAGE. Smoke rises up from the chimney.
GASCON
You see that? That's where I was
born. One day, when I was little,
my mother took me on her knee and
said: "The world is a beautiful
place, Gascon, my son. You must go
into it, and love everyone, and not
hate people. Try to make everyone
happy, and bring peace and contentment
wherever you go". So ... I became a
waiter ...
There is a rather long PAUSE, while he looks a bit self-
deprecating and nods shyly at the CAMERA.
Well ... it's not much of a philosophy,
I know ... but ... well ... fuck you ...
I can live my own life the way I want
can't I?
CUT TO
82 EXT. DARK STREETS LOCATION 82
CLOSE UP terrified face of MAN running down darkened street.
Footsteps running behind can be heard.
WIDER SHOT - MAN rushes along the street and disappears
round a corner ...
CLOSER SHOT - MAN runs terrified towards CAMERA.
V.O.
This man is about to die. In a few
moments now he will be killed.
DIFFERENT ANGLE - he is racing, flat out down a dusky street.
V.O.
For Arthur Jarrett is a convicted
criminal who has been allowed to
chose the manner of his own
execution.
DIFFERENT ANGLE - round the corner after ARTHUR JARRETT come
a crowd of NUDE LADIES in pursuit. They wear little cheer-
leader boots and little else. Knee and elbow pads and
helmets.
TWO MORE SHOTS of the chase, plus CLOSER SHOT of GIRLS run-
ning towards CAMERA. They chase him viciously.
83 EXT. BEACH LOCATION 83
WIDISH SHOT - a GROUP OF PEOPLE standing round a grave.
A PRISON GOVENOR, A PADRE, PRISON OFFICERS, some CIVILIANS,
A DOCTOR and some JAPANESE TOURISTS.
84 EXT. STREETS LOCATION 84
MORE SHOTS of the chase. The WOMAN are closing. ARTHUR
JARRETT is gasping - the GIRLS are inexorable - in superb
'nick' obviously.
85 EXT. BEACH LOCATION 85
Back to grave. The GOVERNOR is reading.
GOVERNOR
Arthur Jarrett, you have been convicted
by 12 good persons and true, of the
crime of first degree making of
gratuitous sexist jokes in a moving
picture.
86 EXT. CLIFF LOCATION 86
THREE MORE SHOTS of the chase. They are within five yards
of him. Suddenly we see they are approaching a cliff's edge.
ARTHUR JARRETT runs over it, the GIRLS expertly pulling up
in time.
87 EXT. BEACH LOCATION 87
Graveside. The CROWD look up. ARTHUR JARRETT soars down
into the grave. PADRE starts the final prayer as he throws
a handful of sand on to the grave. The heads go down.
88 EXT. CLIFF LOCATION 88
Back on the cliff. The GIRLS are being given macs from a
police van.
89 EXT. BEACH LOCATION 89
Graveside. ARTHUR JARRETT's tombstone reads:
ARTHUR JARRETT
SEXIST PIG
EXECUTED JUNE 20TH 1982
The sea suddenly washes over this and leads us into the
90 LEAVES ANIMATION 90
CUT TO
91 EXT. COUNTRYSIDE DUSK 91
A Seventh Seal chunk of countryside. Bare windswept trees
starkly silhouetted against the ... oh you know. Lots of
good sound effects too, howling wind, howling dogs, howling
sabre-toothed fieldmice. Suddenly we see the GRIM REAPER.
He is hooded, is a black cloak with a sackcloth jockstrap,
and bearing ... a scythe. We follow his progress.
After a few moments, during which he passes various Bosch-
Gilliam sights, he approches a house which we must be able
to take for medieval. He comes to the door, pauses and
knocks. Another pause. He starts to knock again and the
door opens.
92 EXT. COTTAGE DUSK LOCATION 92
We see a fleshy pallid CITY-GENT TYPE in a suit. From
inside the house come the sounds of a dinner party. The
CITY-GENT stands in the doorway. His name is GEOFFREY.
GEOFFREY
Yes?
Pause. The REAPER breathes death-rattlingly.
Is it about the hedge?
More breathing.
Look, I'm awfully sorry but ...
GRIM REAPER
I am the Grim Reaper.
GEOFFREY
Who?
GRIM REAPER
The Grim Reaper.
GEOFFREY
Yes I see ...
GRIM REAPER
I am Death.
GEOFFREY
Yes well, the thing is, we've got a
rather important dinner party on
tonight, people from America -
GEOFFREY'S WIFE, ANGELA, is coming to see who is at the
door.
She calls:
ANGELA
Who is it darling?
GEOFFREY
It's a Mr Death or something about
the reaping ...
(to Reaper)
Look I don't think we need any at the
moment.
ANGELA
(appearing)
Hallo. Don't keep him on the doorstep
Geoffrey, ask him in.
GEOFFREY
Darling I don't think it's quite the
moment ...
ANGELA
Do come in please, come and have a
drink, do.
93 INT. COTTAGE DUSK 93
She turns and waks back into the dining area. GEOFFREY
and GRIM REAPER follow.
ANGELA
(to guests)
It's one of the little men from the
village ... come on in, this is
Howard Katzenberg from Philadelphia ...
KATZENBERG
Hi.
ANGELA
And his wife Debbie.
DEBBIE
Hallo there.
ANGELA
And these are the Portland Smythes,
Jeremy and Fiona. This is Mr Death.
JEREMY
How do you do?
FIONA
Good evening.
There is a slightly awkward pause.
ANGELA
Well get Mr Death a drink darling.
The GRIM REAPER looks a little startled as the HUSBAND moves
to do so.
Mr Death is a reaper.
GRIM REAPER
The Grim Reaper.
ANGELA
Not suprising in this cold, ha.
KATZENBERG
You still reap around here do you, Mr
Death?
GRIM REAPER
I am the Grim Reaper.
GEOFFREY
(sotto voice)
That's about all he says ...
(loudly)
There's your drink Mr Death.
?
We were just talking about this awful
business in Guatemala ...
ANGELA
Do sit down.
JEREMY
Stilton? It's awfully good.
The GRIM REAPER knocks the glass off the table. Startled
silence.
ANGELA
Would you prefer white? I'm afraid
we haven't any beer.
GRIM REAPER
I am not of this world.
He walks into the middle of the table. Cries of surprise.
Some of them leap to their feet.
GEOFFREY
Good Lord!
KATZENBERG
Jesus Christ!
Pause. The penny is beginning to drop.
GRIM REAPER
I am Death.
DEBBIE
Isn't that extraordinary? I mean we
were just talking about death only
five minutes ago.
?
Yes we were. You know, whether death
is really ... the end ...
DEBBIE
As my husband believes for example ...
or whether there is ... well one hates
to use words like soul or spirit,
they're so hackneyed.
JEREMY
Yes but what other words can ...
GEOFFREY
Exactly ...
GRIM REAPER
You do not understand.
DEBBIE
... Of course not, obviously ...
FIONA
But we're absolutely fascinated ...
JEREMY
Hear hear.
KATZENBERG
Let me tell you something, Mr Death ...
GRIM REAPER
You do not understand!!!
KATZENBERG
Just one moment. I want to express
on behalf of everyone here, what a
unique opportunity this is ...
JEREMY
Hear hear.
KATZENBERG
And I mean this most sincerely ...
ANGELA
We're so delighted you dropped in,
do please ...
KATZENBERG
Can I finish one moment ...
DEBBIE
Mr Death is there an afterlife!?
KATZENBERG
Dear if you could just wait ...
ANGELA
Are you sure you wouldn't ...
KATZENBERG
Angela, allow me just to say this ...
GRIM REAPER
Be quiet!
Pause.
I have something to tell you all.
KATZENBERG
Can I just say this at this time ...
GRIM REAPER
Shut up!!! I have come for you.
Pause as this sinks in. Sidelong glances. A stifled fart.
ANGELA
... You mean ... to ...
GRIM REAPER
To take you away. That is my purpose.
I am Death.
GEOFFREY
Well that's cast rather a gloom over
the evening hasn't it?
KATZENBERG
Now let's just talk about this a moment.
Let me just say this, to you, most
sincerely at this time -
GRIM REAPER
Shut up! Shut up you American. You
always talk, you Americans, you do
nothing but talk and talk and say
'Let me tell you something' and 'I
just wanna say this'. Well you're
dead now, so shut up.
KATZENBERG
Dead?
GRIM REAPER
Shut up!!! ... All of you, dead!
ALL
All of us???
GEOFFREY
... Look ... how can all of us have
died at the same time?
GRIM REAPER
(pointing)
The salmon mousse!
They all goggle.
GEOFFREY
(to Angela)
Darling you didn't use tinned salmon ...
ANGELA
(unbelievably
embarrassed)
Oh I'm dreadfully embarrassed ...
GRIM REAPER
So now you must all follow me ...
They start to rise from the table.
ANGELA
The fishmonger promised me he'd have
some fresh salmon, but ...
GEOFFREY
Now just look here. I mean you just
barge in here, quite uninvited, you
knock over glasses and then you
announce quite casually that we're
all dead. Well I would remind you
that you that you are a guest in this house
and ...
Suddenly GEOFFREY can't speak any more, he holds his throat
as the GRIM REAPER points at him.
GRIM REAPER
Silence! You English, you're all so
fucking pompous.
GEOFFREY is released from the spell. He suddenly runs for-
ward with a revolver. He looses six shots at the GRIM
REAPER from about three feet. They pass through him. Pause.
EVERYONE is rather embarrassed.
GEOFFREY
Sorry. Just ... checking ... sorry ...
GRIM REAPER
Come!!
JEREMY
Can we bring our glasses?
He turns and goes towards the front door. The GUESTS follow,
some of them grabbing a last slice of cheese or filling up
their glasses.
94 EXT. COTTAGE DUSK LOCATION 94
From the exterior they appear fllowing the GRIM REAPER. We
hear their voices faintly above the howling of the grass.
JERMY
Shall we take our cars?
GEOFFREY
Why not?
KATZENBERG
I have to say that's a pretty damn
good idea in my book. I remember
when I was in Paris one time ...
CUT TO the GRIM REAPER dancing along the skyline followed
by Volvos, Porches and Jensens. DEATH suddenly stops.
There is a very very mild multiple pile-up. We hear
murmured apologies and they get out and examine the dents.
Suddenly we see DEATH ascending into the sky.
The OTHERS get back into their cars and start to follow
after him. Up to the sky.
The cars follow DEATH up and up and eventually disappear
into the clouds. There is more bumping, hooting and
apologies.
Eventually the cars appear - rather battered - and drive
down the Heavenly Freeway.
It finishes in mid-air and ahead is a glowing brightness.
The cars drive towards the dazzling brightness and eventu-
ally all is lost in brightness.
95 INT. HOTEL LOBBY STUDIO 95
CUT TO BIG C.U. OF RECEPTIONIST.
RECEPTIONIST
Hello. Welcome to Heaven. Could you
just sign here please sir?
She gives the HOST a form. We see we are in the American
Hotel.
HOST
(jovially to friend)
Didn't think you'd get here, Reggie!
RECEPTIONIST
(overhearing)
Oh, excuse me, sir ... everybody gets
into heaven ... It's Hell that's
difficult to get to ... Boy do they
have a wild time there!
Forms are filled in.
Thank you sir. Your table's over
there. Happy Christmas!
HOST
Is it Christmas too?
RECEPTION
Of course sir, it's Christmas every
day, in heaven.
96 INT. RESTAURANT DAY STUDIO 96
They start for their table in the RESTAURANT (not the
Hawaiian dungeon restaurant but another) and as they do
so the floor show starts.
It is going to turn into a big production number with a
TONY BENNETT CHARACTER singing and more and more BARELY
CLAD SHOW GIRLS (a la Crazy Horse, Paris) dancing in the
chorus line. Eventually sleigh bells sound and snow
starts to fall.
During the number we CUT AWAT TO SOME OF THE TABLES and
watch the FAMILY listening happily. We also see the
HENDYS. We also see all the CHEEKY COCKNEYS from the
Zulu raid, terribly mutilated, a HEAD on a table, but
all looking terribly happy. Also the LIVER DONOR GENT, with
his inside on the table.
In another corner are a NAKED MAN stuck around with arrows,
a YOUNG LADY on a catherine wheel and a CHAP WITH A LION.
These are the Christian martyrs.
SONG: CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN (to be sung by ANDY WILLIAMS/
FRANK SINATRA/TONY BENNETT, with the KING'S COLLEGE CHOIR
and the CRAZY HORSE SHOWGIRLS):
It's Christmas in Heaven!
All the children sing! (Fish!)
It's Christmas in Heaven ...
Hark! Those church bells ring!
It's Christmas in Heaven,
The snow falls from the sky ... (Fish!)
But it's nice and warm and everyone
Looks smart and wears a tie.
The snow starts to fall. The bells ring as we go into a
light entertainment close-up on the singer.
It's Christmas in Heaven
There's great films on TV ... (Fish!)
The Sound of Music twice an hour
And Jaws I, II and III!
Celebrity Squares has Brando on,
The game shows offer more! (Fish!)
And all the clips on Disney Time
Have never been seen before!
It's Christmas in Heaven!
You can drink all day ... (Fish!)
And if it's your time of the month,
Girls! It'll go away! (Fish!)
You don't spend a penny
Cause this is heaven here! (FISH!)
(Though you can still get huge discounts
Off all spirits wines and beer!)
There's fish for all the family:
Toiletries and trains (FISH!)
Sony Walkman Fishphone sets
And the latest video games (ABOUT FISH!)
It's Fishmas in Heaven!
You are home with God, (FISH!!)
And lots of dace and carp and bream
And halibut and cod! (FISHY FISHY I O)
So all good things to everyone
That's all we have to say (sh!)
Cause there are fish in Heaven
And ... it's Christmas ... every ... day!
Bells ring. Snow falls. FATHER CHRISTMAS gives out lot of
presents and handles some of the DANCERS' bosoms.
The FINALE plays and there is a grand walk down as everyone
applauds. First of all the SINGER and the CHORUS GIRLS come
down the sparkly magical steps and bow. Then some of the
other characters from the film come down and take their bow.
All the CHILDREN from the WORKING CLASS CATHOLICS.
The MUM and DAD.
The PROTESTANT COUPLE.
MARTIN LUTHER
Everyone involved in Vercotti Newtown.
The Hearing Aid Sketch are represented by an EQUITY OBSERVER.
The DOCTORS from the hospital.
The HEADMASTER and her WIFE.
The SOLDIERS from Clock.
The RSM.
The BRITISH ARMY EXPERT and the FRENCH LADY.
KENNETH KENDALL
ROBERT REDFORD
CLINT EASTWOOD and JULIE ANDREWS
MR CREOSOTE.
They have all been lead by the GRIM REAPER in each case.
By now we have started to roll the END CREDITS, as we do
so the GRIM REAPER brings up all the MEMBERS OF THE UNIT as
they are named ...
THE CAMERA CREW
PROPS
MAKE-UP
WARDROBE
BEHIND THE SCENES
TRANSPORT
THE STUDIO BOSSES
THE OFFICE
THE PRODUCER
ETC ETC
Eventually we come to the last TITLE:
FIN
(a fish film)
97 INT. STUDIO DAY 97
A clock appears in the bottom left hand corner. After 20
secs. we CUT TO PYTHONS wearing nothing except huge 2 ft
long penises (peni).
FADE.
98 FADE UP. A ROLLER CAPTION: 98
The producers would like to thank all the fish who have
taken part in this film. We hope that other fish will
follow the example of those who have participated, so
that, in future, fish all over the world will live to-
gether in harmony and understanding, and put aside their
petty differences, cease pursuing and eating each other
and live for a brighter, better Future for all Fish, and
those who love them. Thank you.