[to camera] What exactly is it that makes them want to go to bed
with these people, and do these apparently irrational things to them? Is it for
tax concessions? Is it allowable expenditure against half-yearly profits? Is it
something to do with central heating? Do they eat too much citrus fruit?
Whatever the reason, in the light of this, should the Common Market now be
cancelled? Has it become just a thin excuse for a multi-national orgy, or is it
still a serious attempt to aid the rich? And will tariff cuts bring more trade,
or just a higher birth rate? Even as I speak to you now, in this famous Munich
bank behind me, there are some people who, seventeen or eighteen times a
night... [A car screeches to a halt, knocking him over out of shot.]
[Animated title sequence: "Monty Python's Fliegender Zirkus". This is different than any other Flying Circus opening sequence and quite nice. It has a running theme of pregnancy and overpopulation, and ends with an image of Lon Chaney as the Phantom of the Opera.]
A discussion program. A presenter sits between two guests.
- CAPTION:
- Schleimer [Slimes]
- Presenter (Eric)
- Good evening. Tonight, sycophancy.
- Thromby (Michael)
- What a super title!
- Presenter
- Shh! With me tonight is the well-known Bristol sycophant, Mr Norman
Thromby.
- Thromby
- Hallo everyone, wherever you are, thanks a million for looking in.
- Presenter
- And a man from Glamorgan who is not a sycophant.
- Man (Graham)
- Hallo. Nice to be here.
- Presenter
- I thought you weren't a sycophant.
- Thromby
- That's right, you tell him Mr chairman, you just tell him.
- Man
- I'm not a sycophant! But I do try to be polite to people.
- Thromby
- Ooh, sounds a bit creepy to me, doesn't it.
- Man
- It's not creepy!
- Reporter
- [Appearing from left, bandaged.] This famous TV personality has
it off... [He is dragged off camera.]
- Presenter
- Well I think we'll come back on this point in a few minutes.
- Thromby
- Oh yes, by far the best idea. Absolutely right, absoloutely right again.
- Presenter
- First of all, let's see some sycophants on film.
Stock film of seals on a rocky shore.
- Voice-Over (Terry J)
- The sycophants are one of the largest of marine carnivores. Their soft,
furry underbellies made them a favourite target for hunters. Now, on this
island, the sycophants come to breed every summer, protected by law. But
they're not the only breed which has been saved by a small body of men
determined to preserve the dying species of the world.
[Shots of wooded mountain scenery.] Shots of wooded mountain scenery.
- Voice-Over
- Here, in his four thousand acre nature reserve in Southern Bavaria, Frank
Tutankhamun has dedicated his life to preserving mice. We spoke to his nearby
neighbour, Mrs Betty Weiss.
- Mrs Weiss
- [a Germanic pepperpot] Hallo.
- Voice-Over
- Hallo. Mr Tutankhamun claims that his eight white mice roam in these
mountains and hills.
- Tutankhamun (Terry J)
- Well, there's one over there, there's two of the little fellows on this
plateau here, and I think "Old Squeaky" is up on that mountain there.
- Voice-Over
- Many wildlife preservationists have questioned the need for preserving
eight mice on these four thousand acres, when there are over sixty million of
them in nearby Stuttgart alone.
- Presenter
- [back in studio] Just be another few minutes.
- Voice-Over
- [A Land Rover drives along a country track.] But Mr Tutankhamun
is undaunted by criticism, and has recently opened a National Fish Park - six
hundred acres of pasture and woodland, [we can see dead fish suspended from
trees] where cod and herring can wander freely. Visitors can drive through
the reserve and look at the fish [a passenger in the Land Rover takes a
photo] - provided of course they don't leave their cars. The fish wardens
work hard, [a man in scuba gear steps out of undergrowth near a "FISCHPARK"
sign] but so far this year the Fish Park has only had six visitors, less
than most other zoos; indeed, less than most private houses. We asked the
Peruvian Minister of Pensions why this was.
A yucca-laden office.
- CAPTION:
- PERUANISCHER PENSIONSMINISTER
- Minister (Eric)
- Er, well... I suppose it may be...
- CAPTION:
- LIVE AUS LIMA
- Minister
- ...er... because...
- Voice-Over
- He hadn't a clue. But it's mice that are the big business here. [Three
cowboys (mouseboys) ride out of "BIG PIEPS RANCH".] And every Monday,
Frank Tutankhamun rides out to count his herd. He takes with him three of his
most tough and hardened mouseboys. This is mouse country, where a man can ride
for days and days without seeing his aunty. But, suddenly they're in luck.
Frank has spotted a mouse and the chase is on. [One of the mouseboys (Terry
G) throws a lasso. We see a lassoed mouse. The mouseboy is pulled from his
horse by the rope.] If it's a mouse Frank hasn't seen before, it's taken
back to the ranch, broken in by a mouseboy, and branded with a big "S".
[Two mouseboys hold down a mouse. A third approaches with a brand,
obviously several times the size of the mouse, and applies it.]
[Exterior of "DER SCHNUCKELIGE PLÐSCHTIER SALOON" [The Cute Cuddly Toy
Saloon]; honky-tonk piano music. A mouseboy is ejected, dusts himself down,
takes a saddle from the rail, places it over one of three tethered mice and
straddles it. He looks up; we hear a thunder of hooves (paws?) approaching. He
runs back into the saloon.]
- Mouseboy (Terry J)
- Hey, mouseboys! There's a mouse stampede!
All run out side and stare in horror.
Animation of mouse stampede.
- Voice-Over
- Whilst the mouse herds trample their way south, up in the hills there are
solitary men seeking the even greater rewards that lie in these mountains.
[A prospector examines the contents of his pan.] The single magic word
that has tantalised man since the dawn of history: "Chickens!" [We see the
delighted face of the prospector, then the pan in which a live chicken now
sits.] Gabby has spent fifty years panning for chicken. He, like many
other prospectors, remembers the Great Chicken Rush of '49, when this whole
river ran with chickens. [Gabby is dancing and cheering.] Then they
were defeated by primitive methods. [Interior shot of mine workings.]
Now they are defeated by progress.
- Miner (Michael)
- Chicken bones! We've struck chickens!
A geologist stands in front of a diagram showing geological strata,
titled "HÐHNERMINEN von NORD-DAKOTA" [Chicken Mines of North Dakota].
- Geologist
- [John, with a strange voice and manner] Die H¸hnerminen von
Nord-Dakota... [He runs away, chased by two men in white coats pushing a
dustbin on wheels.]
- Second geologist (Michael)
- I'm sorry. The big chicken mines of North Dakota are located in this
particular geological strata. As you can see, volcanic activity has caused
these igneous rocks to expand up through the alluvial shales revealing these
rich veins of chicken here. [The first geologist runs past, chased by the
two men in white coats.]
- Voice-Over
- [Shot of pit-head.] The men who mine these chickens work at the
chicken face for long and hard hours, [five miners emerge, covered in
feathers] in appallingly noisy conditions, sometimes going for weeks
without seeing their aunties. [Gilliam picture of oil wells.]
Nowadays, every possible means is being used to tap the world's hen resources.
[Oil gushes from a well; chickens rain from the sky.]
Gabby enters assay office and takes chicken from box.
- Gabby (Terry G)
- Here y'are, pure chicken, from up the creek.
Assayer weighs chicken and examines it with magnifying glass.
- Assayer (Graham)
- I'm sorry, Gabby, that ain't no chicken at all.
- Gabby
- What?!
- Assayer
- It's a fake, Gabby.
- Voice-Over
- Yes, the first forged chickens had appeared.
- Expert (Michael)
- [Describing a sequence of sepia montages.] This Rhode Island Red
was a cleverly reconstructed rabbit. This Suffolk bantam was a hollowed-out
eagle, stuffed with lizards and badgers. This Kentish poullet turned out to be
a Mr S.P. Stebbins. This herd of broilers was made out of a single camel. A
most interesting development, but not nearly as interesting as this man,
[Pull out to a Gilliam cartoon face.] who makes his living...
- Face
- Get out of here, I'm busy.
- Expert
- Oh, sorry.
Animation continues.
- Expert
- Yes, Heinrich Bonner is a professional flea-buster, capturing, breaking
and training wild fleas for Europe's leading flea circuses. This year, he's
also one of Germany's big hopes in the Olympic three-day flea dressage event,
and looks a sure bet to come away with a medal. Good luck, Heinrich!
Aerial view of M¸nchen Olympic stadium.
- Football Commentator (Michael)
- Good afternoon, and welcome to a packed Olympic stadium, M¸nchen...
- CAPTION:
INTERNATIONALE PHILOSOPHIE [International Philosophy]
R¸ckspiel [Return match]
- Football Commentator
- ...for the second leg of this exciting final. [German philosophers jog
out of the dressing room.] And here come the Germans now, led by their
skipper, "Nobby" Hegel. They must surely start favourites this afternoon;
they've certainly attracted the most attention from the press with their team
problems. And let's now see their line-up.
- CAPTION:
DEUTSCHLAND [Germany]
1 LEIBNITZ
2 I. KANT
3 HEGEL
4 SCHOPENHAUER
5 SCHELLING
6 BECKENBAUER
7 JASPERS
8 SCHLEGEL
9 WITTGENSTEIN
10 NIETZSCHE
11 HEIDEGGER
High shot of Germans jogging onto pitch.
- Football Commentator
- The Germans playing 4-2-4, Leibniz in goal, back four Kant, Hegel,
Schopenhauer and Schelling, front-runners Schlegel, Wittgenstein, Nietzsche and
Heidegger, and the mid-field duo of Beckenbauer and Jaspers. Beckenbauer
obviously a bit of a surprise there.
Greek philosophers, all in togas, jog from the dressing room.
- Football Commentator
- And here come the Greeks, led out by their veteran centre-half,
Heraclitus.
- CAPTION:
GRIECHENLAND [Greece]
1 PLATO
2 EPIKTET
3 ARISTOTELES
4 SOPHOKLES
5 EMPEDOKLES VON ACRAGA
6 PLOTIN
7 EPIKUR
8 HERAKLIT
9 DEMOKRIT
10 SOKRATES
11 ARCHIMEDES
High shot of Greeks jogging onto pitch, kicking balls about
etc.
- Football Commentator
- Let's look at their team. As you'd expect, it's a much more defensive
line-up. Plato's in goal, Socrates a front- runner there, and Aristotle as
sweeper, Aristotle very much the man in form. One surprise is the inclusion of
Archimedes.
An oriental referee, holding a large sandglass, walks down the centre
line, flanked by two linesmen with haloes.
- Football Commentator
- Well here comes the referee, K'ung fu-tsze (Confucius), and his two
linesmen, St Augustine and St Thomas Aquinas. [Referee spots the ball and
the captains shake hands.] And as the two skippers come together to shake
hands, we're ready for the start of this very exciting final. The referee Mr
Confucius checks his sand and... [referee blows his whistle] they're
off! [The Germans immediately turn away from the ball, hands on chins in
deep contemplation.] Nietzsche and Hegel there. Karl Jaspers number seven
on the outside, Wittgenstein there with him. There's Beckenbauer. Schelling's
in there, Heidegger covering. Schopenhauer. [Pan to the other end, the
Greeks also thinking deeply, occasionally gesticulating.] And now it's the
Greeks, Epicurus, Plotinus number six. Aristotle. Empedocles of Acragus and
Democratus with him. There's Archimedes. Socrates, there he is, Socrates.
Socrates there, going through. [The camera follows Socrates past the ball,
still on the centre spot.] There's the ball! There's the ball. And
Nietzsche there. Nietzsche, number ten in this German side.
- CAPTION:
DEUTSCHLAND - GRIECHENLAND
0 : 0
- Football Commentator
- Kant moving up on the outside. Schlegel's on the left, the Germans moving
very well in these opening moments.
- Anchorman
- [John, in the studio] Well, there you are. And we'll be returning to
the match some time in the second half, but right now it's time for wrestling.
Cut to a wrestling ring containing a Master of Ceremonies.
- Emcee (Michael)
- A five round heavyweight contest, three falls, two submissions or a
knock-out to decide the winner, between, in the red corner, Colin "Bomber"
Harris [Bomber - Graham - climbs into the ring] and, in the red corner, Colin
"Bomber" Harris.
The bell rings. Graham begins his stunningly beautiful, but mainly
visual, self-wrestling routine.
- Wrestling Commentator (John)
- Here comes Bomber now, circling round, looking for an opening. He's
wrestled himself many times in the past, this boy, so he knows practically all
his own moves by now. And he's going for the double hand lock. He's got it.
Here's the head squeeze. And the Albanian head lock. He's going for the throw.
He's got the throw. And now he's working on the left leg, this is an old
weakness of his. Oh, but he caught himself beautifully there, with the, er, the
flying Welshman, and now it's the half Nelson. And he can twist out of this.
And he's twisted beautifully into the Finnish leg lock. But he didn't like
that! He did not like that one little bit. But the referee's not interested,
he's waving him on, and Bomber's angry now. Bomber is really angry with himself
now. And there's a forearm chop and he's gone for the double overhead nostril.
Now this is painful, but he caught himself beautifully, a really lovely move
there. Now he's going for the fall. The shoulders have to be on the mat for
three seconds. No, he's twisting out of that, no problem here. Oh, but he's
caught himself beautifully there, with the double overhead. He's got the double
overhead on, I don't think he can get out of this.
- Referee (Terry J)
- [echoed by commentator] One!... Two!... Three!
- Wrestling Commentator
- And that's the first fall to Bomber. Well, what a surprise there. I think
Bomber will have to come back at himself pretty fast now, before he gets on
top. And there's the forearm smash, and the hammer to the head and he's groggy
now, and there's the flying Welshman again, and another flying Welshman. And a
half-Egyptian. And he's a little stunned there, but he's got the half-crab, and
he's got the half-crab, and this looks very nasty. This looks very nasty
indeed. But I think Bomber's going to make the ropes. Is he going to make the
ropes? [Bomber inches across and touches the rope.] Yes, he made them.
Well, I think he was a little lucky there, he was in a tricky situation, and
he's gone straight into the neck pin, he's got a neck pin there. He's in a
little trouble, he twists out of it. He looks groggy, and he's caught himself
with two beautiful forearm smashes and he's out. I think Bomber's out!
- Referee
- [raising the arm of the inert Bomber] The winner!
- Wrestling Commentator
- Yes, he's won. He has won.
- Anchorman
- Well what a match. And he'll be going on next week to meet himself in the
final
- Anchorman
- Well right now we're going back to the Olympic stadium for the closing
minutes of the Philosophy Final, and I understand that there's still no score.
On the pitch, a German is remonstrating with the referee.
- Football Commentator
- Well there may be no score, but there's certainly no lack of excitement
here. As you can see, Nietzsche has just been booked for arguing with the
referee. He accused Confucius of having no free will, and Confucius he say,
"Name go in book". And this is Nietzsche's third booking in four games. [We
see a bearded figure in a track-suit is warming up on the touch-line.] And
who's that? It's Karl Marx, Karl Marx is warming up. It looks as though there's
going to be a substitution in the German side. [Marx removes the
track-suit, under which he is wearing a suit.] Obviously the manager
Martin Luther has decided on all-out attack, as indeed he must with only two
minutes of the match to go. And the big question is, who is he going to
replace, who's going to come off. It could be Jaspers, Hegel or Schopenhauer,
but it's Wittgenstein! Wittgenstein, who saw his aunty only last week, and
here's Marx. [Marx begins some energetic knees-up running about.]
Let's see it he can put some life into this German attack. [The referee
blows his whistle; Marx stops and begins contemplating like the rest.]
Evidently not. What a shame. Well now, with just over a minute left, a replay
on Tuesday looks absolutely vital. There's Archimedes, and I think he's had an
idea.
- Archimedes (John)
- Eureka! [He runs towards the ball and kicks it.]
- Football Commentator
- Archimedes out to Socrates, Socrates back to Archimedes, Archimedes out to
Heraclitus, he beats Hegel [who, like all the Germans, is still
thinking] . Heraclitus a little flick, here he comes on the far post,
Socrates is there, Socrates heads it in! Socrates has scored! The Greeks are
going mad, the Greeks are going mad. Socrates scores, got a beautiful cross
from Archimedes. The Germans are disputing it. Hegel is arguing that the
reality is merely an a priori adjunct of non-naturalistic ethics, Kant via the
categorical imperative is holding that ontologically it exists only in the
imagination, and Marx is claiming it was offside. But Confucius has answered
them with the final whistle! It's all over! Germany, having trounced England's
famous midfield trio of Bentham, Locke and Hobbes in the semi-final, have been
beaten by the odd goal, and let's see it again. [Replay viewed from behind
the goal.] There it is, Socrates, Socrates heads in and Leibnitz doesn't
have a chance. And just look at those delighted Greeks. [The Greeks jog
delightedly, holding a cup aloft.] There they are, "Chopper" Sophocles,
Empedocles of Acragus, what a game he had. And Epicurus is there, and Socrates
the captain who scored what was probably the most important goal of his career.
Aerial view of stadium; segue into Gilliam animation
- Presenter
- And now for ten seconds of sex.
Totally blank screen for ten seconds; sound of clock ticking.
- Presenter
- Okay, you can stop now.
- Reporter
- Why do they go on about it? Isn't there anything else of interest to these
people?
A customer enters an optician/hearing aid shop.
- Customer (Eric)
- Good evening. I'm interested in buying a hearing aid.
- Rogers (John)
- I'm sorry?
- Customer
- I'm interested in buying a hearing aid.
- Rogers
- I didn't quite catch it.
- Customer
- I want to buy a hearing aid.
- Rogers
- Ah, um, er, hang on just one moment sir, I'll just switch the radio off.
[He switches it on; music blares forth.] Right, now what was it again?
- Customer
- What?
- Rogers
- What was it again?
- Customer
- I can't hear.
- Rogers
- What?
- Customer
- The radio's too loud.
- Rogers
- Yes, very nice, isn't it.
The customer turns off the radio.
- Customer
- I'm sorry, I couldn't hear, the radio was too loud.
- Rogers
- Ah. Pardon? I'm sorry, I don't think my hearing aid's working properly.
I've only had it a couple of days. Hang on. [He takes it from his pocket
and adjusts it.] Yes, there we are, it's working now.
- Customer
- Is it good?
- Rogers
- About fourteen pounds.
- Customer
- Yes, but is it good?
- Rogers
- No, no, it fits in the pocket here.
- Customer
- Can you hear me?
- Rogers
- What?
- Customer
- [louder] Can you hear me?
- Rogers
- Oh! Contact lenses!
- Customer
- What?
- Rogers
- You want contact lenses.
- Customer
- No.
- Rogers
- Oh, well I'll get Dr Waring then, he does contact lenses. I only do the
hearing aids.
Waring emerges through a curtain from a back room and bumps into a
display case.
- Waring (Michael)
- [to Rogers] Ah, good morning sir, you want some contact lenses do
you?
- Rogers
- What?
- Waring
- You want some contact lenses, do you?
- Rogers
- Er, I can't hear what you're saying, Dr Waring.
- Waring
- I think you need a hearing aid, not contact lenses.
- Customer
- No, I want the hearing aid.
- Waring
- Who said that? Is there someone else in here?
- Rogers
- What?
- Waring
- I think there's someone else in here.
- Customer
- Yes. it's me. [He waves his hand.] Here.
- Waring
- Ah! You wanted the contact lenses did you?
- Customer
- No, I want a hearing aid.
- Waring
- Ah, Mr Rogers will see to you about that. [calling] Someone to
see you, Mr Rogers. He'll be down in a minute. [to Rogers] Now, you
wanted the contact lenses, did you, sir? Would you come this way, please.
- Rogers
- Er, What?
- Waring
- This way, please.
- Rogers
- Er, I don't understand, Dr Waring.
- Waring
- Just in here. [Waring guides him through into the back room. After a
pause they both emerge.]
- Waring
- Why didn't you say you were Rogers? You know my lenses play me up
sometimes.
- Rogers
- What?
- Waring
- [to empty space] Ah, I do apologise most sincerely for the
inconvenience, sir. Now, you wanted the contact lenses, did you?
- Customer
- No, I wanted a hearing aid.
- Waring
- Mr Rogers will deal with you, sir. I'm dealing with this gentleman here.
[to empty space] Now would you like to come this way, sir, we'll try
the contact lenses. Come on sir. [He guides an invisible customer into the
back room.]
- Customer
- Now, Dr Rogers, I want a hearing aid.
- Rogers
- Pardon? I'm sorry, look, I'm worried about Dr Waring. I think he thinks
he's with someone.
- Waring
- [from back room] Hallo! Hallo!
- Customer
- Well, had you better go and tell him?
- Rogers
- No, no, I'd better go and tell him. [He goes to the back room.]
Er, Dr Waring!
- Waring
- Ah, there you are. I thought I'd lost you.
- Rogers
- Er, no, no. Dr Waring, you're not with anybody.
- Waring
- Well, who's that talking to me then. Don't be silly, sit down.
- Rogers
- What? [Waring takes him into the back room. After a moment they
emerge.]
- Waring
- Why didn't you say you were Rogers?
- Rogers
- [looking at his watch] About quarter to six.
- Waring
- Ah, sorry. [to empty space] Now then you wanted the contact
lenses, did you sir?
- Customer
- No, I wanted a hearing aid!
- Waring
- Ah. [He turns through three quarters of a circle towards the
customer.] So you must be the gentleman who wanted the contact lenses?
- Customer
- No, I want a hearing aid.
- Waring
- Ah, er, Mr Rogers! Two gentlemen here would like hearing aids!
- Rogers
- What? I can't hear you, Dr Waring, I think it must be my hearing aid. Hang
on a moment. [He adjusts it.] Aaaah! Too loud, it hurts! [He hits
the side of his head repeatedly.] Ah, that's better. Wait a moment, I've
knocked my contacts out.
He begins searching on the floor. An angry man storms in and addresses a
display stand next to the customer.
- Complainant (Terry J)
- I've come to complain about my contact lenses!
- Rogers
- What?
- Complainant
- I've come to complain about my contact lenses! They're terrible. They've
ruined my eyesight.
- Waring
- But I haven't given you any.
- Complainant
- You're a liar!
- Rogers
- What?
- Complainant
- You swindler! You money-grabbing quack, sir!
- Waring
- Don't talk to me like that!
- Complainant
- I'll talk to you any way I... [He knocks the display stand] . Oh,
fisticuffs! Right! Oh! [He punches the display stand and throws it to the
floor. Waring attacks a seat amid much shouting. The complainant is meanwhile
wrestling the display stand out of the door.]
- Waring
- Oh! To big for you eh? Ah! Break up my shop, would you? [He steps
back, trips over Rogers and grabs him.] I've got him!
- Rogers
- Help! Help! I'm being attacked! Help me, Dr Waring, I'm being attacked.
[They grapple with each other.]
- Waring
- It's all right, Rogers, I've got him.
- Rogers
- Quick, I've got him! Grab his arms.
- Waring
- I can't, he's got me round the waist. Never mind, get him to the door,
we'll throw him out.
- Rogers
- I'm going to throw him out!
- Waring
- Attack Mr Rogers, would you? Well, we're more than a match for you.
- Rogers
- Help, he's got me by the throat!
- Waring
- Go ahead, I've got him by the throat.
- Rogers
- We're by the door.
- Waring
- Let's throw him out. One!
- Rogers and Waring
- Two! Three! [They throw each other out of the door.]
- Customer
- [to camera] You should see them when they've had a couple of
drinks. [He takes out a cigar and brandishes it in Groucho Marx
fashion.] Goodnight, folks. Just a fairy tale.
Storyteller (John)
- Once upon a time, long, long ago, there lay in a valley far, far away in
the mountains the most contented kingdom the world has ever known. It was
called Happy Valley, and it was ruled over by a wise old king called Otto. And
all his subjects flourished and were happy, and there were no discontents or
grumblers, because wise King Otto had had them all put to death, along with the
trade union leaders, many years before. And all the happy folk of Happy Valley
sang and danced all day long, and anyone who was for any reason miserable or
unhappy or who had any difficult personal problem was prosecuted under the
Happiness Act.
- Prosecution (Michael)
- Caspar Schlitz, I put it to you that you were, on February 5th this year,
very depressed with malice aforethought, and did moan quietly, contrary to the
Cheerful Noises Act.
- Schlitz (Terry G)
- I did.
- Defence (Eric)
- May I just explain, m'lud, that the reason for my client's behaviour was
that his wife had just died that morning.
All except the accused laugh uproariously.
- Judge (Graham)
- Members of the jury, have you reached your verdict?
- Foreman
- Guilty. [All laugh again.]
- Judge
- [donning red nose] I hereby sentence you to be hanged by the neck
until you cheer up. [All laugh.]
- Storyteller
- And while the good folk of Happy Valley tenaciously frolicked away, their
wise old king, who was a merry old thing, played strange songs on his Hammond
organ all day long, up in his castle where he lived with his gracious Queen
Syllabub, and their lovely daughter Princess Mitzi Gaynor, who had fabulous
tits and an enchanting smile and a fine wit, and wooden teeth which she'd
bought in a chemist's in Augsburg, despite the fire risk. She treasured these
teeth, which were made of the finest pine and she varnished them after every
meal. And next to her teeth, her dearest love was her pet rabbit Herman. She
would take Herman for long walks, and pet and fuss over him all day. And she
would visit the royal kitchens and steal him tasty tit-bits which he never ate,
because, sadly, he was dead, and no one had the heart to tell her because she
was so sweet and innocent and new nothing of death or gastro-enteritis, or even
plastic hip joints. One day when she was romping with Herman, she suddenly set
eyes on the most beautiful young man she had ever seen, and fell deeply in love
with him, naturally assuming him to be a prince. Well, fortunately he was a
prince, so she found him in the book, which her mother made her always carry,
[she opens a bird-spotting book at a page headed "EBERHARD, PRINZ" opposite
a photo of him] and learned his name, and went and introduced herself, and
the subject of marriage. And he fell deeply in love with her, and in what
seemed like the twinkling of an eye, but was in fact a fortnight, they were in
her father's lounge, asking his permission to marry.
Otto sits at his organ howling a strange song. He finishes and Mitzi and
the prince applaud politely. He starts another.
- CAPTION:
- Sp”ter am selben Nachmittag [Later that afternoon]
- Mitzi (Connie Booth)
- Daddy.
- Otto (Terry J)
- Yes, daughter.
- Mitzi
- We have something to ask you.
- Otto
- A request!
- Eberhard (John)
- Sir, may I have your daughter's hand in marriage?
- Otto
- Well, I don't know it, but if you hum it I'll soon pick it up.
- Eberhard
- No sir, I really do wish to marry your daughter, sir.
- Otto
- Oh. Are you a prince?
- Eberhard
- Yes, sir.
- Otto
- Is he in the book?
- Mitzi
- Yes, Daddy.
- Otto
- Do you really love my daughter?
- Eberhard
- I do.
- Otto
- Well in that case, I must set you a task to prove you worthy of her hand
in marriage.
- Eberhard
- [standing] I accept.
- Otto
- You must climb to the highest part of the castle, first thing tomorrow
morning, armed only with your sword, and jump out of the window.
A crowd waits expectantly in the street below the castle.
- Villager (Terry J)
- Hey look, there he is!
The crowd look up, clapping and cheering. Eberhard, up on the castle
tower, waves, wets his finger to test the wind, then plummets to his death. The
crowd laugh and cheer.
- Mitzi
- Can we get married now, Daddy?
- Otto
- No, I'm afraid not, daughter, he wasn't worthy of you.
- Mitzi
- Oh Daddy! Will he have to go into the ground like all the others?
Cut to a cemetary where a coffin is being cheerfully lowered into a
grave.
- Mitzi
- Come on, Herman. [She walks away, dragging Herman.]
- Storyteller
- And so Mitzi and Herman went down to the river bank to see if they could
find another prince. Everyone was fishing that day, the carpenter and the
candlemaker and the blacksmith and the window-dresser and his friend, and the
hangman and all his apprentices, and the secret policeman, and the narcotics
salesman and his aunty, but not a prince for miles. Until... Mitzi's eyes
suddenly spotted the slightest flash of gold underneath a weeping willow tree
and there, sure enough, was a prince.
He was rather thin and spotty with a long
nose and bandy legs and nasty unpolished plywood teeth but, thought Mitzi, a
prince is a prince, and she fell in love with him without another thought.
She leaps on top of him and engages him passionately.
- Storyteller
- And after a time, or a few times anyway, he too fell in love with her. And
very soon they were on their way to ask King Otto's permission to wed, as this
prince didn't read the newspapers any more than the others did, [they walk
past a news stand on which is written "Die Happy Valley ??? Ein ??? Prinz ???
??? ???" - sorry, it's too small and unclear on my recording] decadent,
dim-witted, parasitic little bastards that they were. [They come across
Queen Syllabub romping with a black man.]
- Syllabub (Graham)
- [getting up hurriedly] What! Oh! Ha ha ha! Oh, hello, darling.
- Mitzi
- This is my mother the Queen, and, er, this is, er, ...
- Syllabub
- This is my new algebra teacher, Dr Erasmus.
- Erasmus (Terry J)
- Hello there.
- Syllabub
- Don't stare, darling. And who is this?
- Mitzi
- Oh, this is Prince Walter.
- Syllabub
- Oh.
- Mitzi
- We were just going down to Daddy for permission to get married.
- Syllabub
- Ah, well I want to talk to him about like that. I'll see you about the
binomial theorem in the wood shed at eight o'clock, Dr Erasmus.
- Erasmus
- I'll bring the baby oil, Queen.
- Syllabub
- Yes. Ahem.
- Mitzi
- Does Daddy like Dr Erasmus?
- Syllabub
- I wouldn't mention him, darling. He's a bit funny about darker people.
- Mitzi
- I know nothing of racial prejudice.
- Syllabub
- Good. Well I'll talk to him first.
Syllabub enters the lounge where Otto is at his organ, howling one of
his songs.
- Syllabub
- Stop that and listen to me! Now! [She pulls the plug out.]
- Otto
- Plug my organ in.
- Syllabub
- Ha, that's a joke. Now, listen to me.
- Otto
- What! What is it?
- Syllabub
- I've got something important to tell you. Mitzi's coming in a moment with
another prince.
- Otto
- Yeugh. [He begins howling one of his songs.]
- Syllabub
- Look, will you stop that again!
- Otto
- Huh, princes!
- Syllabub
- Well there soon won't be any left, thanks to you. Now just you make sure
you make that task nice and easy, otherwise I'll smash your organ.
- Otto
- Can I play at the wedding?
- Syllabub
- Yes.
- Otto
- All right, all right. I could play that one about "Yum de boo ptang..."
- Syllabub
- The king agrees to see you now.
- Mitzi
- Hallo Daddy!
- Otto
- Come in, child.
- Mitzi
- This is Prince Walter.
- Otto
- Eeeugh! Is he in the book?
- Mitzi
- Yes.
- Otto
- Oh, hello Walter.
- Walter (Michael)
- Prince Walter.
- Otto
- [sarcastically] Oh, so sorry! So you want to marry my daughter,
do you?
- Walter
- Perhaps.
- Mitzi
- Oh, say you do, and wing me such joy as I have never tasted before.
- Walter
- Yeah, all right.
- Otto
- All right. First I must set you a task, so you may prove yourself worthy
of my daughter's hand in marriage.
- Walter
- Why?
- Otto
- Because she's a f [bleep] ing princess, that's why! You must go
tomorrow morning to the highest part of the castle... [Syllabub hits
him.] You must go, um... [Syllabub threatens him again] er,
go
down to the shops and get me twenty Rothmans.
- Walter
- What, now?
- Otto
- Tomorrow morning.
- Storyteller
- And so, early next morning, all the happy villagers were gathered to watch
Prince Walter set off on his quest.
From a dais outside the castle, on which King, Queen and Princess sit,
Prince Walter walks, holding a banknote, past the villagers down the street to
the tobacconist. He emerges holding a packet of cigarettes aloft triumphantly
to cheers from the crowd. He walks back up the street to the dais, on which
Mitzi is jumping up and down excitedly.
- Walter
- Here are your fags. [He tosses them to Otto.]
- Otto
- [grudgingly] Thank you, Walter.
- Walter
- Prince Walter!
- Syllabub
- Well done, Prince Walter.
- Otto
- [standing] Loyal subjects, faithful followers, this is indeed a
proud moment for the Queen and myself. For this is the moment when Princess
Mitzi marries Prince Walter. But first, a little number I've written, entitled
"Ya Di Buckety Rum Ting P'tow".
Everyone sings "Ya Di Buckety Rum Ting P'tow" accompanied by Otto. But
then Prince Charming draws up on a horse.
- Charming (Eric)
- Halt, halt! Halt, I prithee, gentle king.
- Syllabub
- Who are you? What do you want? [to Otto] Belt up!
- Charming
- I am Prince Charming, from the Kingdom of the Golden Lakes, good Sir King.
Page four in the book. And I crave the hand of your most beautiful daughter,
Princess Mitzi.
- Walter
- You're too late.
- Charming
- What?
- Walter
- I've got her, Charming, now buzz off.
- Syllabub
- Now, wait a minute, Mitzi is not betrothed yet.
- Walter
- What? He said, if I went and got him twenty Rothmans I could have her.
- Charming
- Got you twenty Rothmans?
- Walter
- I had to go down the town.
- Charming
- For Princess Mitzi?
- Otto
- Yes.
- Charming
- For this priceless treasure? For this most perfect of all God's creatures?
- Mitzi
- [to Syllabub] I think I'm falling in love again.
- Charming
- For this finest and most delicate flower in the whole of this geographical
area, I will face in mortal combat that most dreaded of all creatures.
- Mitzi, Syllabub and Otto
- A dragon?!
- Charming
- And I shall slay it, single-handed, to prove myself worthy of your
enchanting daughter, O King.
- Otto
- I accept.
- Walter
- What?
- Otto
- I accept. Tomorrow morning, then.
- Walter
- Where's he going to get a dragon from?
- Charming
- I provide my own.
The rear of a horse box opens. A dragon, all of 18 inches long, emerges.
Prince Charming fights it matador-style, then draws a pistol and shoots it. The
crowd cheer.
- Otto
- Loyal subjects, by virtue of Prince Charming's noble deed, I now consent
to give him Princess Mitzi's hand in marriage. But first, the B side of my
latest single.
- Walter
- I'll be revenged on the lot of you!
Otto plays and everybody starts singing "Ya Di Buckety...".
- Storyteller
- Nobody in Happy Valley worried about Prince Walter's threats, and the
joyous day soon arrived for the royal wedding.
Interior of cathedral. Otto is up in the organ loft. Everyone sings "Ya
Di Buckety, Rum Ting P'tow, Yi Ni Ni, Yaooow."
- Priest (John)
- Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join together this man,
Prince Charming, and this woman, Princess Mitzi Gaynor, in holy matrimony. If
there be anyone who knoweth just cause or impediment why these two should not
be joined together... [There is a loud boom. A witch enters, followed by
Prince Walter.]
- Witch (Terry G, clearly the star of our show by now)
- Yes, 'tis I, the wicked witch, Ya ha ha!
- Priest
- Witch, you commit sacrilege here by your very presence. I command you in
the name of the Good Book, to leave this holy place forthwith.
- Witch
- Shut up!
- Priest
- Sorry, sorry.
- Witch
- Now, where's the King? Where's the King? Where's the King?
The congregation point upwards.
- Otto
- Oh, me. I'm terribly sorry, I was miles away.
- Witch
- I forbid this marriage to take place.
- Lord Chancellor (John)
- You forbid it?
- Witch
- Who are you?
- Lord Chancellor
- I am the Lord Chancellor, you old hag! How dare you speak thus to our...
[The witch casts spells, turning him successively into a lampshade, then a
dog, a soda syphon, a rabbit, and back into himself.] Aah!
- Witch
- Now, watch it! Now, Mitzi marry Prince Walter, or I curse the lot of you,
and your aunties.
- Otto
- Mitzi marries Prince Charming.
- Witch
- I'm warning you!
- Otto
- Carry on with the ceremony.
- Priest
- Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...
- Witch
- Very well. I hereby change every single person in this cathedral into
chickens! [then as a shocked afterthought] Except me!
Everyone is turned into chickens.
- Witch
- [chicken wearing witch's hat] Oh, bugger.
Cut to Gabby with his mule. He turns and runs excitedly.
Credits, over a sequence of shots of prospectors shouting "Chickens!",
"Yippee!" etc.
- CAPTION:
- MONTY PYTHON'S FLIEGENDER ZIRKUS
- CAPTION:
von und mit [written and performed by]
GRAHAM CHAPMAN
JOHN CLEESE
TERRY GILLIAM
- CAPTION:
ERIC IDLE
TERRY JONES
MICHAEL PALIN
und als Gast [with guest]
CONNY BOOTH
- CAPTION:
Animation:
TERRY GILLIAM
Szenenbild: [Scenery:]
MICHAEL GIRSCHEK
Kost¸me: [Costumes:]
MONIKA ALTMANN-KRIGER
- CAPTION:
Schnitt: [Editing?:]
HILWA VON BORO
Ton: [Sound:]
HEINZ TERWORTH
- CAPTION:
Maske: [Make-up:]
GEORG JAUSS
JOSEF C÷SFELD
- CAPTION:
Kamera: [Camera:]
JUSTUS PANKAU
ERNST SCHMID
- CAPTION:
Produktionsleitung: [Production management?:]
PETER STERR
- CAPTION:
Produzent: [Producer:]
THOMAS WOITKEWITSCH
- CAPTION:
Regie: [Director:]
IAN MACNAUGHTON
- CAPTION:
- ENDE [The End]
Pull back to reveal a seal in the presenter's chair and the bandaged
reporter
- Reporter
- Why do they do it? What do they get out of it? Well, quite frankly, I just
don't know. Guten Abend. Come on, Eric, let's go and get a meal. [They both
leave.]
- CAPTION:
- BAVARIA Eine Produktion der Bavaria Atelier GmbH
- CAPTION:
- im Auftrag des WDR
- CAPTION:
- © Python (Monty) Pictures Limited 1972
Back to the Zirkus
A woodland scene. To a background of Rossini's "William Tell Overture"
we see William Tell (Graham) preparing to shoot an arrow, and his son's head in close-up
bearing an apple. Others look on anxiously, tension mounts; the arrow is fired
and pierces the apple; the onlookers cheer. Then a wider camera shot reveals
the boy riddled with many previous arrows.